So my daughter is graduating from high school soon. Hard to believe it’s already here. On graduation night I plan to take her to a very nice relaxing evening[sup]1[/sup] at a very nice restaurant. While I am paying for the “close circle” of folks who will definitely be there, I’d like to invite other friends to pop in if they feel like it & have no other plans. What’s a polite way to say “You’re welcome to come, but you’ll have to pay for yourself?”
As always, my thanks for your help!
Read that as: eating, drinking, partying & reviewing the last 18 years with the most embarrassing photos I can find
So it’s better to totally snub people than to send a mass email saying “Hey yall, we’ll be celebrating The Girls graduation at X. Unfortunately we aren’t able to cover the cost for everyone. It’ll be $40 - $60 a person, so we understand if you can’t make it. But I thought you might like to know in case you felt like dinner & ‘entertaiment’. Thanks!”
I agree with others: there’s no polite way to do it. You can’t have some guests that you are paying for, and others that you are not. It’s much more polite just to not invite those other friends.
I would suggest separating the two events by time, set the time for the people you can’t pay for after the dinner you are paying for, and call it a cash bar event. (Say you’re having dinner at 4, invite the mob at 5:30, cash bar)
That’s not what you’ve been told, if it makes you feel any better. Previous posters have suggested you alter your plans to something where you can afford to treat everyone equally at the same celebratory event. No one should be expected to pay to attend a celebration given in someone else’s name, even if it’s for their own food. Your idea reminds me of people who have large weddings but a following reception where only select people are invited. Put yourself in their shoes and see how it feels to be invited as 'Thought you might like to know in case you felt like dinner & ‘entertaiment’.
Tldr reply to the OP - there is none, the invitation itself is impolite.
Not inviting people to a party is not always “snubbing”. Even if they are snubbed, it’s unlikely that what you propose, telling them that they can come and sit at the table if they pay for themselves, is going to make them feel better. You’re basically saying “We know you might like to come but we can’t be bothered to go to a cheaper restaurant so we can pay for everyone.” Instead of telling them nothing at all, which is what you say to people who aren’t invited to a party you’re throwing.
This sounds like a perfectly reasonable way of phrasing the invitation and the one I’d choose. People shouldn’t be offended by this at all.
Until they find out that SOME people are more equal than others and didn’t have to pay. And they will find out. And they will feel snubbed. Because they are being snubbed.
Why not invite them to join you and mention nothing about money? When it comes time to take care of the check, just put in for the people you want to pay for.
I would host the party at a place where I could afford to pay for everyone. I would be very uncomfortable only paying for certain people. And there is no polite way to ask certain people to pay. How about a nice dinner with the inner circle, and then go somewhere cheaper the party? Just have drinks and apps. Or dessert/coffee.
Who on earth do you think would be so entertained by this that they’d fork over $40-60 for the privilege of watching an acquaintance, his daughter, and their relations have dinner and share family in-jokes?
Would you feel comfortable sending an email to these invitees saying “Hey, wanna help me pay for my daughter’s graduation party?” Certainly not, but that’s what you’re contemplating.
This reminds me of a birthday party I went to when I was maybe 7 or 8 years old. There was birthday cake and Kool-Aid, and as a special treat – gingerbread men. But the gingerbread men were only for the girl’s two or three very best friends.
You just can’t treat people differently and expect them to be okay with it. The ones who are nice enough to understand that you can’t pay for everyone are the ones who will be most hurt, because they’re the nice ones.
This is pretty standard. Dinner for the close friends, free-for-all at the bar a few hours later.
Obviously, with a high school graduation, things’re different, but maybe dinner with close friends, and then she can tell her other friends to meet up later than night to go do… whatever the hell it is high schoolers do.
“Help us celebrate The Girls graduation at Hot New Restaurant! Friends are FREE! Acquaintances are $60 per person. If you don’t know which you are, please bring $60!”
All joking aside, why don’t you do a reception-style dinner, and average it out among all the attendees?
The problem with doing “something else” is that she wants to do it at this restaurant. I can pay for the immediate family (myself, my wife, my daughter & the other kids) and the 3 - 4 people who are coming in from out of town & thus spending a bunch of money anyway, which is where this plan came from…but, I guess it’s not a good one.
There is no polite way of saying it. Only invite the people you are willing to pay for. Inviting others and telling them they have to pay for themselves is really tacky.
Sweetie, in honor of your graduation, we’ll give you your choice of a fancy dinner in this nice restaurant, a backyard barbecue for all your friends, or $500 you can spend anyway you want. Which would you like?
Here, I can make everything all better for you, and polite to boot!
No less a personage than Miss Manners says that it’s totally ok to have a ‘get together’ at a place other than home, as long as you make it clear on the notice that it isn’t an invitation, but a notice that this event is happening, and you’d be happy to see other people there at the same time if they want to come on their own. (She also suggests recruiting the graduate and some other family members and friends to circulate around and verbally confirm that everyone knows it’s not a paid event.) Lots of people are broke, and want to do nice things with people without having to host them. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have people pay for themselves at the restaurant. What *is *wrong, is wanting *some *people to pay for themselves, and for you to have *other *people as your guests.
What you *then *have to do, is to go to an ATM and take out about as much money as you’ll need for the 3-4 people you want to help out. Put it in an envelope, and give it to them in private right before dinner as a thank-you present for attending the graduation.
Problem solved. You’ve treated your close friends, and had an event at a venue that your daughter likes without insulting anyone. As far as anyone knows, everyone there will have paid their own way, and everyone there will be there as a friend, rather than as a guest.
