So Future Mrs Aruns and I decided to tie the knot.
The trouble is, I’m Italian, she’s Asian, and we’re getting registered in England, so we have a problem of traditions overlapping, especially when it comes to celebrating… In Italy and China, it is customary to have a largish party. But we can’t honestly afford it, so we’d have to cut down on the invitation list. But the budget limitations would mean such a small list that I would have to cut out many that I feel it’s fair to invite.
So I was suggested by one of my friends to just have everyone pay for their meal. This felt ugly for us - wedding guests paying for their meal? And what would we be supposed to say? “Come at our wedding dinner and remember to bring the money”? - but our friend insisted that it would be normally accepted, and that I don’t specify it, people would just assume it if it isn’t specified in the invitation.
So, um, what’s your opinion?
I am also considering other options. One is to just have a party in our place, but our new flat is very small and I would have to cut invitations again. Another option would be to have a larger restaurant dinner first and a smaller party at home afterwards (the following day, or something like it). The closest friends would be invited to the smaller dinner as well, and the bill for the dinner in the restaurant would be split between everybody.
I still don’t like it. I could just skip celebrations altogether, but I don’t feel happy doing it.
I’m sure that, whatever the choice, many people in our environment would understand, but I really don’t feel happy.
Last night I was at a weding where they charged us for parking in the undrground garage. Considering how much that pissed me off, I shudder to think what I would have done if they charged me for the food.
My advice: either take out a second mortgage, or elope. I also come from a large-wedding culture, and I know there’s no half way about these things (although anything over 600 people is still too much).
Don’t make them pay. Etiquette advisors typically suggest something like having the reception at a time when people don’t expect to be eating - say, have the ceremony be slightly after lunch, and at the reception serve tea and light appetizers. Or an evening wedding after dinnertime, and appetizers at the reception.
Alternately, elope and consider having a tea-and-appetizers reception for your loved ones later on.
Why not have a big inexpensive party? Rent a (cheap) hall and have beer and chips instead of a dinner and champagne? The idea is to celebrate the marriage and you should be able to do that without taking out a second mortgage.
The idea is also not to be mocked by family and friends for years to come. My hetero life parter and I had a couple of friends who did their wedings on the cheap - fire halls, fire HOUSE, cheep horsdouvers. My opinion is if money is an issue, do LESS but what you do do well.
I’m not sure what your price range is but I was told that renting out a mansion or chateu is actually a lot cheaper than many weding venues.
My advice is to find the relative with the nicest, largest house and do whatever it takes to hold it there. A friend of mine who had just finished B-school and had no job had his weding at his in-laws house in Florida and it was actually quite nice (and we got to drink during the ceremony). Unfortunately it appears he never left but that’s a different story.
Certainly don’t have them pay for the meal. That is just tacky and they will talk about what a cheap classless ass you are for years to come. I just went to a wedding where the reception was a cash bar even for sodas and water. Even though it was a good friend, I still got pretty offended because I didn’t know that I needed to bring a roll of big bills just to drink coke with my wife.
I believe that you should just cut down the list to those you can really afford and who will truly appreciate the moment. A wedding ceremony shouldn’t just be a giant party with everyone you know. It should be a special event of family and close friends that will cherish the special moment with you and your wife. Whether you believe it or not, most of the people that you invite will only be there because of a sense of obligation or to take advantage of a free party.
One of my cousins did this, but then he had the good fortune to have a father with a law partner who had a gorgeous country estate. If you know someone with an appropriate location, this can be a gorgeous and relaxed alternative to, say, an expensive downtown hotel or banquet hall.
Or what are the alternatives where you live in terms of renting out locations such as public parks? Other friends of mine rented out a fieldhouse on the lakefront – the location itself was super-cheap, except that then you had to use certain city-approved caterers. But there was nothing stopping them from having the reception elsewhere – or from doing what others have suggested, i.e. a tea and/or cocktail reception which wouldn’t entail the expense of a full meal, but which could still feel quite festive if well-executed.
I’ve been to some very charming low-budget weddings – it’s amazing what a bit of imagination can accomplish.
My sister and her husband got married about 15 years ago. The ceremony was held in a local arboretum in the morning. Music was provided by a single harpist. There was a … brunch? afterwards in the adjacent shelter, with champagne, pastries, cake and cheesecake (the grooms favorite)
That afternoon, they had an open house, with lots of food, but no meal (tabuli, humas, chips, fruit, cheese…)
It was actually one of my favorite weddings, even with the rain break. Having an open house meant that the bride and groom actually got to talk to people, rather then spending the entire evening at a head table, or running around preparing for the ceremony.
We’re both living far from our home countries, and no relative will be able to come. There is no obligation in inviting third cousins four times removed or something like that. On the other side, there’s no landed relative around.
The guests would be our friends and colleagues. The full list would be around 30 people. The shortened list contains about 15 people.
None of our friends, unfortunately, has a large house. A couple of blokes live in a large flat, but that’s because they share it with six or seven other guys. And anyway, it’s large but not nice, believe me.
Budget: we’re both University students. I get a small scolarship, she works part-time as a waitress. I have old relatives, she has old, disabled relatives and contributes for the studies of two siblings.
Parks? Newcastle has very lovely parks indeed. I’ll have to see what I can do there. It would be funny to get the bus in full wedding regalia to go to the park!
You’re both University Students? Why didn’t you say so? :smack:
Ask around officialdom.
See if meeting rooms can be used by students!
Ask about the University Center, or Rec Center. Can the rooms be used?
Free, where I come from.
Is there a University Chaplain? If not, is there a University Mission? You might find somebody to do the ceremony there! Maybe even for free!
Food? See if the cafeteria caters.
Then, ask the Faculty Dining Room Kitchen if they will cater!
If you go this way, be certain to invite your Chancellor or University President.
You might also go to the Alumni Foundation, & do a little begging. Many Alumni will bend over backwards for “the old school”, & some will help the current crop of undergrads, too.
One way to cut down on the drunkenness, plus save on your bar bill without ticking off too many people, is to have an open beer, wine, and soft drinks bar, but a cash bar for mixed drinks. Mr. Neville and I did this at our wedding. We didn’t want to have a cash bar (tacky), but we didn’t want to encourage people to get drunk, so this seemed like a nice compromise. Everyone seemed happy, and nobody got obviously drunk. Neither of us has friends or family who really feel like they have to get drunk to have a good time, though- this might not work as well if you do.
Well, my first suggestion would be to cut the colleagues who don’t also count as friends. I’m not sure what the traditions are there, but around here who are first and foremost coworkers and classmates really don’t expect to get invited to your wedding. If they’re friends with whom you happen to work or go to school, though, that’s different.
The one thing you should never, under any circumstances, do is offer someone hospitality that isn’t actually hospitality, ie. invite them to a party and then expect them to pay for themselves. That’s just rude, and I cannot imagine where your friend got the idea that such a thing is expected. Perhaps he was thinking about the (ridiculous) rule of thumb some people use about making sure you give a valuable enough gift to cover the cost of your dinner?
Do any of your friends have bigger apartments, or have family nearby that might let you use their home? A soup and sandwich buffet would be nice on a damp, chilly evening. Does your favorite pub have a smallish room or corner that could be blocked off somehow? A couple of pints and a light snack would be good in the middle of the afternoon. Are there any smallish rooms in the campus buildings students are allowed to use? Does the park have a picnic shelter or building you can use in case of rain?
I have to think that anyone who would mock you for offering the refreshments you could afford to the people you love is an asshat. I would have to suggest that not inviting asshats who are going to make fun of your choices is a wonderful way to cut down on expenses. Weddings are about love, and making fun of someone’s choices is not loving them.
Tell your friends that they each have to give you 50 pounds before the wedding. Explain that it’s a tradition in China. Invent some elaborate ceramony where they give you the cash in some sort of ‘special’ box and teach them to say a phrase in ‘Chinese’ when they present it to you.
If you sell this right, you can get married in style.
Nah, wouldn’t work. Three of the guests are Chinese, and the best man is Chinese as well.
I think Bosda’s suggestion is very interesting. Tomorrow I’ll talk with some University Officer and see what I can do, but I know there isn’t a Faculty Dining Room Kitchen, and the cafeteria doesn’t cater. But I might find something in the Student Union. Let’s cross fingers, touch iron and scratch in the appropriate luck-binging places!
