Agreed with the others. Extending an invitation implies that you are hosting (= footing the bill). You cannot invite other people to spend their own money.
I’ve actually never been in a situation as a student, with a parent in attendance, where the parent didn’t pay for everyone there.
Agreed w/ the others that there is no polite way to do this.
Yah - I agree with everyone else - there’s really no way to have two classes of guests at a function (those you pay for and those you don’t) without it being horribly rude.
I agree with the suggestion of telling your daughter she can have ‘X’ number of people at a fancy restaurant, ‘X’ + ‘Y’ number of people at a backyard BBQ, or ‘$Z’ to spend on whatever she likes (perhaps excepting hookers and blow - perhaps a new computer for college? Or a nice duvet/curtain set for her dorm room if she’s going to have one).
May as well teach her how to be a good hostess now.
What is wrong with the children of today? The last place I wanted to be on graduation night was with my Mom and Dad. 
This is a great idea. If she really wants to have the party at the fancy restaurant, then the guest list will have to be as narrow as you can afford. She’s an adult now, so this would be a good adult decision for her to have to make.
Why do you guys keep saying this? It’s been brought up in every thread that, in a lot of places, the idea of a party where people pay is not only not rude, but actually the norm. I honestly consider it an old fashioned rule that isn’t followed now.
The only problem here is that you can’t have both types of party at the same time. And even that depends on your social situation. I’ve been to some of these before: My stuff was secretly paid for because people know I don’t have money but wanted me there anyways. And I’ve done the same for others.
I also envy you guys who have the money to throw these parties where you pay for everyone.
That’s the difference between being an ‘organizer’ versus being a ‘host’.
If you’re organizing a function - a Lobster Boil, for instance, you send out information, sell tickets, explain that the charge for each person will be $X.
If you’re the host, you send out invitations and you pay the bill.
It’s perfectly OK to be the organizer of events; however, there are some where it’s horribly gauche - your own birthday party. Your wedding. A party for your child or parents.
Any occasion where people might, in theory, be expected to bring a gift (as above: birthday, wedding, graduation) you can’t charge people to attend.
Well, you can. And then you would be rude.
As to hosting events where you foot the bill, and lucky us, and blah, blah, blah. Give me a break. My husband and I had 40 guests at our wedding instead of 200 because that’s what we could afford/wanted to spend with the venue, meal, entertainment, etc. that we wanted. If you want to ‘host’ something, you plan something that your budget can handle.
I night have missed where you explained this but who wants which party and which guests?
Do you and your wife want the dinner for close friends and family and then your daughter is going elsewhere with her friends or does she want a party for her friends and you think it would be easiest to fit this into your dinner plans?
Because really (I’m on my second child’s graduation this year) the people who are not close enough to your family for you to pay for dinner for them; they probably don’t care if they go out to dinner with you. They would probably love to stop by your house (or reserved restaurant room) after your dinner for cake, snacks and reminiscing. So, really you should have one event: the after dinner, drop by thing. The dinner before is private and no one really thinks anything of it. Lots of families have a private dinner with the grad before festivities.
I agree. Dinner at the nice restaurant with the daughter and the A-listers. Cake and light snacks afterwards at the house for the B-listers.
And expect Kathy Griffin around midnight.
I agree with the others that say there is no polite way to invite people to pay their own way at an event celebrating your daughter - especially as it us the type of celebration that normally includes gift-giving.
If you had even one person show up under that type of invite condition I’d be shocked.
I agree. And to further clarify: separate invitations for each function!
The way to do it is like this:
When somebody asks you what you’re doing to celebrate the graduation, tell them what you are going to do. Then, put a sock in it. They will come by if they want to spend their own money, and have no other plans. If they are welcome to spend their own money, they have an idea about how to spend it on your daughter’s graduation night. One doesn’t ‘invite’ somebody to a nice restaurant unless one wants to pay for them.
Best wishes, and congratulations,
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I agree with the majority of posters; it’s much to icky to publicly have two different levels of invitation. I think I’d be really annoyed if I got the second class invitation, much more than if I just wasn’t invited. And unless it was a really boring weekend, I really doubt that I’d show up.
The other solutions seem OK: two parties or one lower cost party.
One quick question to the OP: Have you ever received an invitation similar to the one you’re thinking of sending out? If so, how did it work out?
I have never, except in college, been invited to anything where the entire cost of being there was a cost to me. At first I thought there had been a couple of recent birthday parties at bars but at each of those it was free sodas and food but cash bar. I don’t know how it was arranged but the food was brought from people’s homes.
Also remember that quite a few of your friends and acquaintances will have other graduation parties to visit so all you can expect from most people on this night is a quick stop-by.
No one mentioned the C list yet. Pay for meal, bring gift, have to decorate before party and take down afterwards.
Having a two tier party guest list is bad.