Kids, chores, help, should I move?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Opnions and suggestions, please. My solution: move until until son finishes unverisity and moves; probably not the right solution.

Here’s the story (could be construed as slightly long, will shorten where possible):

Five years ago, married man, he has son, I am not stepmother, I am man’s wife, mother sometimes involved although typically only for fun things (she showed up a year ago; said I’m moving in with boyfriend, son doesn’t want to come (joint custody) so he’s moving in with you - I 've done all I can do to raise him anyway (son is at this time 18).

Son is currently first year university, doing well, doesn’t smoke, drinks minimal, calls to let us know where he is, has good group of long time friends, long time girlfriend, etc. Never had any problems so far.

Problem, you may ask? He does absolutely nothing around the house. Nada, absolutely nothing, zero, zip unless asked and given very specific instructions. His sole reponsibility is taking out garbage and recycling and he has to be reminded constantly about emptying the recycling bucket in the kitchen which is almost overflowing usually before it get emptied in blue boxes downstairs. when I finally lose it enough to empty it, it gets dumped with no sorting. Then he has the nerve to say, if you’re going to dump it, please sort it. No, that’s not going to happen. If I have to do it, along with all my other jobs, that’s the way it will get done. it’s YOUR job, YOU make sure it’s done so that I don’t have to. Then you won’t have to worry about whether or not it’s sorted.

All in all, I am a bit frustrated with his not doing anything…I say if you’re 20 and can’t figure it out - you’re probably in deeper trouble than I can help you with…anyone got any suggestions about household duties for a 20 year old who goes to school four hours a day, works part time but has a LOT of extra time for things…I’ve spoken to his father, asked him to please get him to do something and well, that’s as far as thats gone. Forget dishes, he used to have to do them then he told his dad he didn’t like it so he doesn’t have to do that any more. Our house has been under renovations since we bought it with no offer of help from him. It breaks my hear to see his father treated like that however, on the other hand, you are treated as you expect to be treated or will tolerate.

Maybe this sounds more like a rant but any suggestions would be considered. Thank you.

2

I think it’s time for a family meeting. He’s legally an adult. He can either help out or he can pay rent or he can move out. Those are the choices and they’re not negotiable. Make sure you have a very specific list of what you expect him to do and what you’d expect him to pay if he chooses that option. (and this is assuming his paying rent and not helping out is OK with you and your husband)

Good luck.

3

I think **velvetjones **is close, but if you’re going to use the “adult” rationalle, you have to use it all the way. If there are three adults in the house, then all three adults need to decide who will do what to maintain the household. If you present him with a list, you’re being a parent, not a roommate. Call a family meeting, and have the three of you make up a list of chores. (You’ll probably know most of them, but ask the fellas for their input.)

Make 3 lists, so everyone agrees on the time limits for each chore:

  1. Stuff that needs to be done once a month or less (ceiling fan dusting, gutter cleaning, hedge trimming, garage clean-out, etc.)
  2. Stuff that needs to be done once a week (vacuuming, dusting, clean bathrooms, launder bath and kitchen towels, etc.) Put the day of the week down for each item, so there’s no procrastination. If the note says recycling goes out on Wed, it better be gone by Thursday morning.
  3. Stuff that needs to be done once a day. (making dinner, washing and putting away dishes, etc.)

I put each item on a little post it note. Ones are green, twos are yellow and threes are red. This helps us make sure no ones grabbing only once a week stuff and someone else is taking on too much with once a day stuff.

Now start divvying up post-it notes. You may find that there’s some chores you hate that it turns out one of the others wouldn’t mind doing, they just assumed you did it because you didn’t mind.

Use some creativity and you may find that there’s only certain portions of what you consider “a chore” that you don’t like. WhyDad had no idea I rather like sorting laundry and folding it, I just hate actually dragging it down three flights of stairs to put it in the machines. He doesn’t mind that part, but he doesn’t “get” sorting, and is unbearably awful at folding. Whaddaya know, it all works out fine when we used some creativity at splitting up the “laundry” chore into four chores: I sort, he washes and dries, I fold, we both put away.

Once you’re down to stuff absolutely no-one wants, it’s time to start bargaining and trading post-its. “I’ll take out the garbage if you…wipe down the bathroom counter daily after everyone’s done getting ready in the morning!” Then put your chosen post-its on a piece of paper with your names on it. Sign a contract with each other, if you think it will help. Display the job duties somewhere prominent, like on the refrigerator.

We sign our contract for a one month period. Then we have another meeting and get a chance to pick new chores. After about 6 months, we got it pretty much to a place we’re all happy with.

4

Oh, one thing to be aware of: when you ask for help and they take over doing what you did, they probably won’t do it as well. At least, not at first. You need to try very hard not to be too controlling. Let them do it the way they want, barring safety issues. Criticism, especially early on, is likely to lead them to throw up their hands and say, “Well, **you **do it, then!” (Much like you do when your roommate doesn’t take out the recycling on time and you have to do something with it.) If everyone can agree that each person has their own way of doing things and try not to micro-manage, you’ll all get along a bit better.

(I just about stroked out when WhyKid was using an old washcloth to clean the bathroom. Everyone (me) knows you use a sponge, right? Then I realized it really doesn’t matter. As long as the place became more or less clean, he could use the cat’s back, for all I care.)

5

Whynot, that’s a great idea except I don’t mind doing the once a month, or once a week things, I just don’t like the idea that he’s a adult and never offers to do anything for either of us but doesn’t hesitate to ask for things. I have told him on numerous occasions, he’s going to be a surprised guy the first time he moves in with anyone - whether it be roommates or girlfriends/wife. There’s not too many people you could get away with this behaviour with.

A couple of recent examples:

For christmas, he bought his father a book by a favourite author - father already has this book and has asked him to return it and get the newest one. Father seldom goes to local bookstore - son is there twice a week. Still has not been returned although it’s sitting in the middle of the kitchen table in the front of the door.

Last night, he put on the kettle and was making hot chocolate. Dad (watching movie) says, gee, will you make tea for the rest of us - I didn’t want any so that left father. Son did make tea, put the bag in the cup, put the water in, walked by us downstairs, never mentioning tea sitting on the counter - father says “gee, I guess I don’t get tea” - I went past counter, saw tea, by then too strong to drink.

Father to son : what are you going to do today? Son: girlfriend working, I’ve got some laundry to do. Me: Of course, you’re going to throw ours in with yours since it’s right next to the washing machine in baskets. Son: Um, yeah, I guess so but I have a full load so there’s not likely to be room for yours. Now, in his favour, he actually did two loads of laundry (his and ours). But if I hadn’t mentioned it, it wouldn’t have been done.

It’s stuff like this that gets me. Then there are some days when it doesn’t bother me at all, I can just ignore it. But it doesn’t quite make up for days like this one!

6

Does your husband do any household chores (not renovations, ordinary chores)? The son may be following the father’s lead.

7

Yes, hubby will do laundry, dishes, almost anything…I think the bottom line is, he’s spoiled and selfish…however, it’s how I deal with it, I’m struggling with.

8

Sounds like Sonny needs to be trained. Some people don’t seem to have the gene that makes you see other people’s needs; he sounds like a good guy, just needs to have his awareness raised that other people exist in the house. My husband used to bring his plate into the kitchen, bring himself cutlery - um, how about mine? Once he got the message that he can bring two sets as easily as one, it wasn’t an issue anymore - it just never occurred to him.

I agree with velvetjones completely - make it excruciatingly clear to him what is expected of him, or he can go get an apartment like other adults.