They are slobs, they have little respect for our space or our home. I can’t kick them out as I don’t want my grands living on the street or in foster care. There just isn’t any place for them to go. They’ve applied for what few rentals they can find around here with no luck. Rent is so stupidly high I don’t know how anyone from this area can afford any of it. We live in a three bedroom double wide. My husband has Parkinson’s among other health issues. There are 9 people living in this space. I think I might go nuts. If I’m not there already.
9 people, 3 bedrooms. Youch. I am a single guy living in a 3 bedroom house, and this place is too damn crowded sometimes.
I hear you. I’m not the social type. I love them all, but sometimes it’s just so overwhelming and loud. This kids go from 6 - 15. I have to lock myself in our room (the one spot they are not allowed to go, though I have to keep insisting that they don’t) and shut the door. Oh, they brought their 2 dogs too, so now I have 3 dogs and 2 cats. It sounds awful, but I’ve been waiting for our last dog to walk off into the sunset. Now I’m stuck with 2 more.
The house is a huge mess, I’m the only one who cleans regularly, and I’m tired. I just get overwhelmed. … right now my daughter is arguing with oldest grand across the living room with me sitting on the couch in the middle.
Do you drink at all?
No, no I don’t. I haven’t for years, and if it wasn’t for my mo and her entire family being alcoholics, I’d start. 
Maybe YOU should go live somewhere else…
Oh man, my husband and I talk about it frequently; if we had to money we’d leave … last week. lol Before they move in I was in therapy because they were already pushing our space (long story not totally their fault). I quit because it amounted to him (therapist) saying you should do X, Y, and Z and me saying yeah, no I really can’t do that. I really wasn’t being obstructive. His advice made sense in a perfect world… one I sadly don’t live in.
You have my sympathies, but can you try to enforce some sort of rules about housework? Even the six-year-old is old enough to do some chores.
Yeah, that’d be great. They don’t even pick up after themselves. Sometimes they change the kitchen trash, or try to load the dishwasher. I have to redo the dishwasher. Not 'cause I’m really picky, but the way they do it, a load would run and it’d have to run again 'cause dishes still dirty. My daughter will say, "I’m going to clean that up tomorrow then spends the whole day on the video game. She’ll tell the kids to do something that would be difficult for me since it’s been left undone for days or weeks, and not direct/supervise them and get angry or ignore it when it’s not done. I can’t seem to get through to her. She just says, “Well this is stressful for us too”. I’ve dug out numerous houses for her 'cause they can’t use garbage cans. Ugh, I’m not going to keep adding details now. It’s a long story and I’m assuming no one wants a novel. Short version, I am trying but it’s like trying to stop water from creeping in where it doesn’t belong.
Sounds extremely unpleasant. No, you aren’t in a perfect world, but couldn’t doing SOMETHING different (if not exactly what the therapist advised, something else) at least IMPROVE things?
You are wonderful for inviting them into your home, but that does not mean you give up all control and authority in doing so. No, your daughter does not have the option of playing video games all day instead of doing necessary cleaning. And yes, even a monkey “can” be trained to use a garbage can.
Whatever efforts you made to teach your daughter good habits seem not to have taken, and now you are in the challenging situation of trying to teach an old dog new tricks. But the kids should be teachable. And the pets can be taken to shelters.
Your option is basically between putting in considerable work to help your daughter/granddaughter develop better habits - or just let the run your home and make your home miserable. No magic wands out there. And helping them might well have the side effect of having them think unkindly about you. You perceive yourself as helping them, but it sounds like you are enabling them - and worsening your situation in the process.
Sorry you are in such a situation. I understand complaining on a MB is of some use, but I hope you find the best actions to take.
I’d think it far more likely that the grandkids would wind up living … with you.
Especially since it sounds like their mom isn’t looking for work, if she’s playing video games all day.
Why is she unemployed?
Oh, she has a job and so does her husband. He’s full time and she works (sort of) part time. She almost gets enough hours to be full time. I’m talking about her days off or when she’s not at work. He makes pretty good money for around here and she works in a little gas station. They just don’t do anything here.
That sounds rough, it’s late but they’re overdue for a rational discussion about responsibilities and boundaries. Do you have the energy or mental bandwidth for that because it appears to be all on you and that’s not fair. Check your county for Behavioral Health services for yourself and family. That situation sounds untenable and unhealthy for everyone. Is there substance abuse involved. That would complicate issues further.
9 people? Is it two adults and their five kids or 1/6 who moved in with you. Sure that could be fine and wonderful if not crowed and noisy but only if the capable members of the household pulled their own weight and pooled resources to improve the situation.
My oldest son moved in with us during Covid to both not be isolated and to help care for my husband. My son has been pretty awesome over all. His room is a catastrophe but he picks up after himself everywhere else. He’s helped with bills, cooking, and with the care of my husband (as much as my husband allows anyway.) That is how we came to be 9.
You all have valid points and input, and I appreciate the advice. Yes, I know I’m enabling them, but I’m pretty bad at confrontation and that is what it’s going to take. I’m just hoping for the day they move out.
Oh, and no there isn’t any substance abuse involved. They are pretty grim about not drinking around the kids. I appreciate that 'cause my mom was a drunk, and a drunk adult is pretty uncomfortable for a kid to be around. I just need to woman up and make them clean this place up. It will be unpleasant. My daughter tends to cry really easily which frankly just pisses me off. I am not a weeper so I get pretty frustrated when someone starts blubbering. I know it sounds terrible, some people are just made that way, but I don’t have the patience for it especially from her.
Frankly, there is a lot of history and context that I haven’t added. It’s too long and complicated, and there is plenty of depression and anxiety to go around for all of us. I tend to have a lot of guilt. I could probably handle all of it if they made a real attempt to help me wrestle the house away from the depths of chaos.
I thank you all for your kind attention to my rant. It helps to spout off once in a while.
If it makes you feel better, you are not alone in this…
Actually, it does make me feel better. Thank you!
They won’t. Why would they?
My sister and her kids moved in with my folks 20 years ago. Ten years later, my folks left the state. My sister and her kids followed them and moved in again. Why not? Free rent, no bills, no responsibility for taking care of the home they didn’t own, so didn’t care about.
Now it’s not Mom wanting her grands on the street, she’s currently raising her grand-grands.
They pay rent and they do their chores.
No if, buts or maybe’s. Your house, your rules.
Stop letting them use you like a doormat.
You are not doing anyone a favour by letting them treat you, the space they live in and themselves like dirt.
PS
He makes “good money” but cannot afford rent? I call bullshit.
No. They will not stay here forever. They are trying to find some where and they will, or they can move in with his mother.
They do want their own space. They have had their own space and got into financial trouble because of a combination of Covid and stupidity. The economy and lack of housing in this area is making this situation less temporary than any of us want. They just don’t seem invested in making it less uncomfortable for us.
Good dog, if they followed me to another state, I’d go underground. What a nightmare.