I’m with you. They’re not broke; they just can’t find a place. So cough up some cash to help with groceries, etc.
I’m guessing they have no real incentive to move out until they can find a place that includes cheap (free?) rent and daily maid service. That’s a heck of an incentive to stay put, I would think.
Unfortunately I don’t see things changing until the OP (as they say themselves) “womans up and makes them clean this place up”. Yes, it will be hard to do. Particularly since I sense the crying/blubbering from the daughter is a very long ingrained emotional and manipulating response, designed to work on Mom’s guilt and avoid doing what she does not want to do (cleaning, helping like a responsible adult). A lot of co-dependency going on here, methinks.
The whole “grandkids will end up in foster care” is a guilt trip that is being laid upon you in order to get what daughter wants.
Some tough talks are going to need to happen. There will be crying. Expect it. Prepare for it. Lay down some reasonable ground rules. Outline the reasonable consequences for not following the ground rules. Be prepared to follow up with the consequences, because you’ll have to. Probably multiple times.
You’ll have to make it a little less comfortable to stay than to move. Eliminating the free maid service is a start.
All true. Except the free maid service part. They don’t care if the house is trashed. They don’t care that I have to climb over piles of dirty clothes on the floor in the utility room to do my and my husband’s laundry. I’ve helped them dig out houses in the past. And I mean “dig” out … literally with a shovel and dumpster. I’m not a house beautiful house keeper, and with the care of my husband, doing outdoor chores, and remodeling my bathroom slowwwwly (plus sitting here on this mb, reading, yadda yadda) it piles up very quickly. I don’t want to get to the shovel point here. Heh, I’ve tried leaving piles of clothes on the floor in front of the room they hang out in. They just climb over it like it was there all along.
Yes, I know I need to confront them, and I will. It’s just it takes me a while to get up the intestinal fortitude to enter into that sort of confrontation. I’m just not good at it. I’ll probably just blow my stack at some point. Then it will be all sorts of ugle.
Start with the kids, perhaps? The six-year-old at least might be salvageable even if the rest are lost. Some people do the list of chores on the refrigerator, some do a chore wheel. But however it’s done, everyone should have an assigned list of tasks.
I certainly hear you and sympathize. It’s not easy. Especially when dealing with long term relationships and all of the emotional baggage that entails.
Good luck going forward, and try to deal with it in a logical way before blowing up!
I don’t want to sound like I’m beating up on you, but what would be more productive? To just keep it in until you “blow your stack”? Or to make up your mind that you are going to turn off her video game and say, “You are welcome to stay here but you must contribute to cleaning my house”?
No, that first conversation won’t cure everything, but it COULD be a productive first step, during which you make some statements that you really want to make in a manner you wish to. Instead of shouting and screaming.
It must be unpleasant feeling as though you have to let your child and her family walk all over you and trash your home. It shouldn’t have to be that way.
I’m a baby boomer whose parents lived through the Depression so this is the perspective I’m coming from. When I was 10 my mother would routinely tell me she’s not raising my kids which translated into “don’t get a girl pregnant”. When I was 16 she told me I had 2 choices after high school: free room and board while going to college that I had to pay half of or I pay rent.
So if it were me the agreement up front would be to receive the same money she was paying for rent plus 1 month in advance. If you’re feeling generous you can gift it back to them when she finds an apartment. Maybe you can look for used mobile homes for her to live in.
When COVID hit and I became unable to take care of stuff the way I had been my middle daughter (with marital issues) and 2 young boys moved in. My younger daughter changed her university and came home with long time boyfriend in tow.
My son who lives close is here, with his kids, constantly.
I and their Dad laid down the law. Mid-dau has taken over the household. All are required to clean. My standards are somewhat higher but I don’t complain too much. Son does outside work for his Dad and helps in a multitude of ways. (He’s early retired on disability) along with eating, drinking the beer up and spending my money. 
I love it. We’re a fairly happy bunch. I’m the biggest problem with my health issues. We’ve added my live-in aid to the group and a few pets.
But, truly you have to get the upper hand here. If your daughter and family don’t soon leave I fear a big ugly scene. Hurt feelings and lifelong grudges. It’s better a small fuss now than a huge break up.
Talk to her. Find a quiet place and time and just spell it out.
I wish you good luck. I know it must be hard.
Whoa. I do not know how people do things like this. My gf and I are in a 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom home. Each xmas my brother visits and stays a day or two. It drives me a little crazy, but at least the end is in sight.
I am the type to keep it in, keep it in then explode which causes more problems. This is good advice and one I’m going to try to remember.
Sell the house move away don’t tell them where you’re living. Not necessarily in that order. They’ll take the hint. 
Sounds terrible. I would keep stressing that you need everyone to pick up after themselves, make a mess, clean up the mess, tell them you can’t do it all.
Sounds like a total nightmare, but something I would have avoided because I would have never let them move in with me in the first place. Color me horrible but, as Guinan once told Wesley Crusher when duty was suffocating him, “Yes. But sometimes the game is to know when to consider yourself before others. Give yourself permission to be selfish.”
Maybe a confrontation in a self-aware manner? Which is to say, get your family together in a single room, tell them you don’t want to blow your stack at them and as a consequence you really need to get something off your chest before it becomes explosive. Then tell them the kinds of things you told us - and lay down the law on principles like “if you live here, you need to contribute to the upkeep of the house.”
Then listen to them, and adjourn taking no action but an agreement to think about it a few days and get back together, with some ideas for action. Bring them to the point where they will help look for solutions, which will be easier than nagging them in the long run.
If they don’t start being helpful after that - and they may not, it sounds like an ingrained behavior pattern - read them the riot act and give them two days to shape up. Make sure your consequence is something you can follow through on - they may hate you for it but they’ll respect you in the long run.
ETA: Also, what @Dinsdale said. Don’t just wait till you blow up.
I would relocate the video game systems to the bottom of the refuse container.
At a minimum, charge them rent. SIL is working and making ‘pretty good money for around here’ and daughter’s working too.
If you’re buying the food as well as providing lodging, I’d say you should be demanding 80% of their after-tax pay for them to stay. Demand to see their paycheck stubs for verification.
After you pay for food and any other expenses that result from them being in your home, you can save the rest until you have enough money to pay the deposit and a month or two of rent on a place for them.
Or if you own your trailer and the lot free and clear, use their rent money to find a place for you, hubby, and son to move to, and leave them in the trailer. Continue to charge them rent after you leave them there.
I like this. I think I will try it. At least it gives them some guidelines and some agency. I don’t know if it will work, but I’m going to give it a try soon.
Today they did some stuff, but it’s usually sort of half-assed with promises of doing more…later. I’ll have that in my little pep talk. I may go through this thread and write some stuff down.
I am a procrastinator by nature so it won’t be right away, but I feel better with some sort of plan in mind.
Seriously, I thank everyone who has responded. It helps to blow off steam and read other perspectives if nothing else.
Don’t think the moving away without a forwarding address hasn’t occurred to me. I like my house though, and I don’t want them to destroy it. It needs work and I’ve been doing the work slowwwwly. You can learn anything on youtube. Sadly that doesn’t translate into being good or fast at it. 
Try to talk sense with them, but if not, consequences.
“If I have to clean up your stuff, I will give you one warning to do it yourself. If you don’t, anything in the way of my cleaning gets thrown in a pile outside, and you can sort it out.”
“If the sink is full of dishes and the dishwasher hasn’t been run, I can’t make supper. So I will go out and get myself takeout, and you can figure out what to eat for yourself. And clean the damned dishes.”
“If I have to clean up your messes, I charge by the hour. I know how long it takes to clean my stuff. I will absolutely hold you responsible for paying for my time if you can’t be arsed to pick up after yourself.”
“Oh, that food you left out? I threw it away. I have no idea how long it’s been unrefrigerated, and the people who do didn’t bother to put it back.”
In general, just don’t let them shuffle their workload off on you. If you have to vacuum and their junk is all over the place, just collect it all and dump it on their bed. If the yelling at you starts, just point to the door and say, “It’s a big world out there. Good luck. Or, you could learn to not put all your work on me. Your choice.”
Also, if the housing situation is so bad there that people making ‘good money’ can’t afford to live in their own place, there’s always the highway. There are lots of cheap places to live. Maybe they should try moving to one.
Explain to them that you’ve reached the end of your rope.
Show them information about a homeless shelter. Name, address, pictures if available. Explain that if they cannot convince you otherwise via their hard work and diligence with housekeeping during the next seven days, then the next step will be dropping them and whatever they can carry there.
A week later reassess and do whatever is appropriate.
I agree with the advice, but want to warn @Sylvanz the “respect you in the long run” part might not work out. You may also end up with other kinfolk very angry with you.
We have a relative who’s been following the same 3 step process for decades:
- Arrive at relatives’ doorstep claiming to “have a job lined up” and “just need to get on their feet”.
- Massively overstay welcome while putting the family under constant stress.
- Leave after huge angry confrontation and being thrown out on the street.
We refused to allow this relative into our house (literally) and offered only one thing; a ride to either the bus station or a hotel. Nothing else. Other relatives were very upset at our refusal to help out. We informed them we’d done exactly the same as everyone else, but skipped step 2 in the interest of efficiency.
Wishing @Sylvanz the best of luck in a tough situation.