My eldest kid returned in Nov '07 from a seven month overseas jaunt, and has since bunked here with The Bloke (not her bio-dad) and I, and will do so until she saves enough to bugger-off o/s again.
Since her return, she has paid a minimal ‘board and lodging’ which for the most part has been done willingly and without nagging from me. However, she has not contributed in any way, shape or form towards cooking, cleaning, shopping, or pet care (one of them is HER cat who is in convalescence from a major accident btw) But today, with both of us home AT THE SAME TIME (a bit of a rare occurence on a Sunday) I asked her to share in some chores…just one…empty the dishwasher.
She got a bit huffy, and asked me to say ‘Please’.
*Please?? *** No fucken’ please about it. Just do it. Why the fuck should I need to say ‘please’. ** Please is something I reserve for those who I am asking favours of. I am not asking you a favour: it is something that should NOT even need asking, and should be done as a matter of course. You’re an adult sharing a house with two other adults, one of whom happens to be your mother. You SHOULD just do stuff without being asked, and especially without having to add the ‘please’ rider.
Arggggghhhhh. I love her, a lot, and am very proud of her general accomplishments and wisdom, but for fucksakes, she should NOT ask her mother to say PLEASE when requesting a simple task be done.
The outcome…I gave her ‘TEH **PISSED-OFF-MOTHER ** LOOK’. She emptied the dishwasher without a murmur, and then hung a load of washing on the line AND cleaned her room.
I dunno, if I’m at home for the holidays and my mother said “empty the dishwasher,” I’d react the same way. She taught me to say please, even when I’m talking to people subordinate to myself, and even when I’m giving what is essentially an order. Happens at work all the time, even though I’m not asking. Politeness makes everything go more smoothly and prevents any hurt feelings, and it usually doesn’t take an inordinate amount of time. So what’s the problem?
The problem is, as another person, living in a house, they are supposed to contribute to the upkeep of said house. Money alone for the bills/food isn’t enough. They live there, they contribute to the mess, they should help tidy up. EVERYONE enjoys the living space more when it’s clean, and everyone should contribute to keeping it that way. Even if it “isn’t their mess” specifically, it’s “their living space” so they should clean it. This goes for any member of a household old enough to use a dust rag, safely rinse off dishes, pick up clutter and put it away, or use a broom. No exceptions. You live there? You help pick up. End of story.
Thing is, she is NOT here on vacation. ‘Vacation’ is what she does in other lands. If she was not living here, at our house, she’d be spending $150 pw more just on accomodation and costs AND she’d be expected to chip in with household chores anyway…having her here is a ‘favour’ we are doing her. Thus, being expected to grovel to her for assistance in one simple chore got my goat, wot.
But “please” isn’t grovelling. “Please” is a word we append to all commands between polite people. It is no more meant to be taken literally than signing yourself “sincerely yours” means you’re sincerely theirs.
Of course, forgetting to say “please” to your grown daughter, on the rudeness scale, is well below ordering your mother to say “please,” or failing to contribute to the upkeep of her household.
I don’t know. I’ve meant plenty of parents in my day who expected their kids to help with the chores and be happy while they did it and do it EXACTLY the way the parent wants it and then ask to do more when they’re finished. Many of these parents also don’t seem to understand that most chores don’t have to be done right this second.
This sentiment goes both ways. The parent is doing her grown daughter a favor, the daughter, in her gratitude should pick up after herself, and promote harmony in the household by keeping it tidy. The mother shouldn’t have to ask it of the daughter, and the daughter shouldn’t cop an attitude with the mother, as if contributing to household upkeep (the place where she lives, mind) was doing her Mom a favor. You can’t go through life expecting praise and petting for doing the “matter of course” things every single time, and what’s more, you shouldn’t refuse to do these things because you aren’t getting praised for it. The reward, is having a more pleasant living space, NOT the words “Please” or “Thank You”.
I dunno … It could be made slightly politer with the inclusion of “please”, but I don’t see “Can you have the dishwasher emptied by the time I get home” or the like as a rude request. Adult children should be doing their share of the housework and if they don’t like it they’re free to move out. “Self, could you please empty the dishwasher?” “Why Self, I would be glad to!”
It sounds like you’re frustrated with the living arrangements (and who could blame you). It might be time to have a chat with your daughter about the chores she’s expected to do on a regular basis. She could be under the impression that her nominal board is “paying her way” or “helping mum out” when in reality you and your partner are subsidising her rent and living costs. One guy I know who lives with his parents severely underestimates what it costs to run a household (even the basics like buying price or rent - he thinks you can buy a new house in outer suburban Melbourne for $100k, and rent a 4 BR house in a mid-ring suburb for $150 a week). His parents eventually brought out the gas/food/electricity/water/petrol bills and told him that for $50 a week he wasn’t even paying his own way and the least he could do was not make them clean up after him.
Who gives a fuck? If you want the dishwasher emptied right that minute, say fucking please if you have too. Not everything has to be a power struggle.
And anyway this isn’t about please or thank you. The OP and her daughter need to have a little sit down as equals and discuss what’s to be exchanged for housing.
Hmmm. I’m sort of on kam’s side, and sort of not. I’d have said please regardless, because that’s just the way I am. But I would have gotten righteously pissed if I’d forgotten to say it and daughter copped an attitude.
How you treat your kids now is how they’re going to treat you when you’re old and decrepit. Tables have a way of turning. kambuckta, good luck when your slave has to take care of you.
I bet he is. He probably says “please” when asking for something to be done. You, on the other hand, are probably a rude bitch about it it like the OP.
Fuck you, and bite me asshole. That’s as logical as saying you probably masturbate to new Wikipedia pages, and we both know where that kind of thinking comes from. Really, just put me on ignore.
Adding, yes I really did go there. My point being, you’re letting yourself sink to “their” level due to your dislike of me. If you dislike me that much, PUT ME ON FUCKING IGNORE ALREADY!
