Adult kid and her family are living with us ... arg!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

What state? It’s notable that it can be remarkably difficult to evict someone in certain jurisdictions, and being a family member or not doesn’t enter into it. Can get awkward. Do you think they’ll go down that route? Some folks are remarkably adept at tenancy laws to their advantage.

For your sanity alone, check your county sheriff website on how this works. It’s a pretty involved byzantine process, can take months even if everything goes to plan and the procedure must be followed properly step by step. Familiarize yourself with the routine, and get your “ducks in a row”. That might get their attention, too.

42

I love it!

43

I think you’re sensing that you’re losing control of your own home. I think you’re right. This is a bit of a threshold moment. Be calm, hold firm, avoid details, refuse to argue. ‘It’s not working!’ should be enough.

Sit them down and calmly report it’s time for them to make new arrangements, urgently. Then explain you’re just trying to avoid a relationship ending screaming match, and the long hard feelings that will surely follow, ‘Let’s be mature adults about this.’

When they ask, simple say you’ve tried your best, you’re certain that they have made their very best efforts as well, and you appreciate that sincerely. But as things are, nothing is changing and what IS, cannot be sustained. The wise move it to end it now, before we destroy our family.

We’re sorry, we thought we could help, we thought you’d be happy, and that we could all cooperate. Perhaps we expected too much. If so, we offer our sincere regrets for that.

As adults, you all need to accept that, for all our asking, suggesting, pleading, we have not been able to move forward to anything we find comfortable or sustainable. As you have assured us, this is all you can do, and as we can see you won’t change things, we are left only to return our living arrangements to when it was manageable for us.

We appreciate that everyone made a sincere effort and gave it their best try, we know we did. We now need to maturely recognize when something isn’t working, and brave enough to make the needed change, to keep our home and mental health afloat.

We ask you to take some time to think about our words for a day before responding. Let’s talk again then. (Don’t re engage, no matter what they jump into!) repeat, ‘we’ll talk again tomorrow.’ Not before.

You find yourself in pretty deep here. If they use ‘the children going into care’ thing like a sword, and you cave, the rest is moot.

Good Luck!

44

I always hear this, but in real life situations I’ve been a spectator to (never happened to me), the offending party finds themselves out on their ass without a key (lacks re-keyed).

45

I’m not going to put this as a reply to anybody, because I’m really not intending to call out any particular poster.

I keep being bothered by people who want ultimatums. In many instances “putting your foot down,” “laying down the law,” or “don’t be a doormat” doesn’t accomplish anything. No amount of threats or new rules is going to bring them under control. The person you are attempting to change is not going to change.

This leaves essentially two choices: attempt to make small changes and adjustments that might be followed (but probably not); or kick the person out. Kicking somebody out is often not a real option, and so needs to be avoided as a threat.

In cases where kicking the person out is impossible (such as with my 10 year old), then it is a very difficult balance of setting policies and consequences which can be followed. “Clean up your act or get out” is a very stupid ultimatum if the threat will never be carried out. “Clothes not in the laundry hamper doesn’t get washed” is reasonable, but still won’t elicit change if the person doesn’t care about wearing dirty clothes tomorrow (or just can’t plan that far ahead).

46

My only suggestion is to write down what you want to say and not allow interruptions (or tears, or whining, or buts.) This should help you stay on point, and not get distracted.

47

Depends on the state, that’s why I suggested checking the local ordinance and the rest of it.

Family members often don’t feel comfortable pressing charges when push comes to shove, and that’s more or less what it takes to make things happen sometimes.

48

I agree with this.

If it were me, I’d want to know: is the problem psychological, in that they really mean to help but just can’t get motivated? Or is it manipulative, where they only say they want to help in order to continue taking advantage? Because those require different strategies.

If it’s psychological, it’s not solvable in the short term, because they have too many other things going on to do any kind of work on themselves. I agree with those who say practical ultimatums like “I’m not going to cook / do laundry for you, but I need this place clean—Tuesdays and Thursdays from 4 to 6 are cleaning hours. During that time, either help or clear out. Oh, and if you choose ‘clear out,’ you can bring me back a large pizza with anchovies and a bottle of wine.”

If it’s manipulative, then they do need to be kicked to the curb sooner rather than later, because they’ll malinger until the relationship is at the breaking point.

Of course, reality being what it is, it’s probably some of each.

49

I have no better advice to offer, Sylvanz, but hope everything turns out for the best - that is, your best.

50

Many people have a fundamental misunderstanding of boundaries. Boundaries are not rules you make for other people to follow. They are rules you make for yourself based on the actions of other people.

You can certainly set a boundary for yourself that you will kick someone out if they behave in a certain way. But if you are not willing to follow that rule, no change will occur. The other option is to figure out what someone does value (Internet access, being given rides, having someone cook for them, etc.) and make you providing it contingent on certain types of behavior. But for people who aren’t willing to cooperate, no amount of asking or demanding is going to work unless there are specific consequences.

51

Has nobody suggested a cleaner? Get a cleaner!

My husband and I usually have housemates and we have a cleaner just to eliminate the possibility of tension arising over different levels of cleanliness and tidiness.

The cleaner must be worshipped. For them to do their job, everything must be cleared away the evening before they come. But it’s an external person mandating this, not you. So you band together to get it done the evening before, instead of being the enemy who makes them clean.

If it’s not cleared away when the cleaner needs to clean that area, throw it away. I really doubt you’d have to do that more than once.

With so many people and several with an income, go for twice a week: Monday and Thursday. Sunday evening and Wednesday evening are tidy up evenings, no ifs or buts because Their Holiness The Cleaner Is Coming Tomorrow.

When you announce it, you get to be the good guy because you’re saying: “I can tell things are really difficult for you right now, so to eliminate your stress over this, we’ll be getting a cleaner to help you out. Yay, you won’t have to scrub the shower anymore! Isn’t this great!”

52

Oh, I like this idea. I hope it’s doable.

53

This is the problem with children and other close relatives. Sometimes the relationship is more important than the boundaries, and it is not worth it to sacrifice the relationship to protect the boundaries. Obviously boundary violations can be detrimental on everybody’s well being, but enforcing the boundary also can be bad—now your kids aren’t talking to you, or homeless, or whatever.

That is only true if the person has working executive function. For some people the consequences will never matter. When presented with a simple ask like, “if you want me to cook for you, then you need to clean your dishes” most people will think “I didn’t clean my dishes, so now Mom is not cooking me dinner, next time I’ll remember to clean my dishes.” Somebody with an executive function deficit will think “why isn’t Mom making me dinner, what is wrong with her, she must hate me.” The connection between action and consequence is lacking.

Letting somebody experience the natural consequences of their actions is an excellent teaching and motivational tool, and is an important part of many reasonable child rearing philosophies. However it only works on people who make a connection between actions and consequences.

Executive function deficits can be a standalone issue, or part of ADHD, autism, depression, stress, or any number of other mental health situations.

54

Do us all a solid, and come back & let us know how it went!

We’re pullin’ for ya.

I’m very conflict-averse so I totally understand not wanting to get all up in your family’s faces about their … less than lovely ways. What helps me sometimes is to imagine that my best friend is telling me the same story. I’d be so mad on their behalf!

So imagine your BFF was being taken advantage of, their home trampled & all messed up, by people who really could do better. How would you feel, hearing all that?

I dunno; it helps me sometimes. But do let us know how it’s going; we’re (virtually) backing you up.

55

I agree.

I don’t think “ultimatums” will do anything in this case. If I were the OP I would simply tell them, “The situation is not working out, and I am putting together a plan for you to leave our home.” And follow through with it. The plan should include changing the locks on the doors.

56

SO’s kid got a dog last year when she was in college. Everyone told her not to but she did anyway. She graduated 1½ months ago & is now back home…with a one-yo pup that She. Never. Walks. (let’s out, yes; walks, no). He’s full of energy & bouncing off the walls, sometimes literally. This is pissing off all of the other beings in the house, both human & critter. Kid has a busy schedule working a couple of jobs, summer sports league & working out (Going for more schooling to use her 5th/Covid year of NCAA eligibility up at a somewhat localish University; she’ll be commuting but not just around the corner.) I shall be there this weekend; I’m sure it won’t be pretty because I won’t tolerate the thing all over me.

Folks, if you want a pet, understand what they are & what they need. He’d be a good dog w/ just 2-3 miles a day as he wouldn’t have insane amounts of energy but I’ll be damned if I’m going to treat her dog better than she does.

57

You wouldn’t be damned at all. You’d be blessed. Poor doggie.

58

The thing is I’ve done this before in that household! When I first met her, they had an unwalked puppy in the house who wasn’t allowed on any furniture. There are four steps between the kitchen & the den which she would take in one leap, either up or down. I broke her of that real quick. How? I’d walk her…& then pull her onto my lap on the sofa for endless skritches (our record is 2½ hrs non-stop during a movie). We’d come back from a walk & she’d literally fall asleep in my lap she was so tuckered out. She’d also walk up & down those stairs after I was there for 24 hrs because her energy was absorbed via the walks. She both hated & loved Sun evenings when I went home - she hated not having me there paying attention & skritching her but she probably loved not being worn out. I have literally shown them that walking a dog makes it a different animal. The other humans in the house understand this, it’s only the one responsible for the dog who doesn’t.
Our dog doesn’t want to play 24x7 & doesn’t cuddle up to me the same way because as soon as she does, the other one tries to get on my lap & that’s too much closeness for my baby gurl so she gets down. Don’t get between me & my furry cuddles! :rage:

59

Yeah, I had a similar situation with my SO’s daughter. She’d accumulate pets with no actual will to take care of them. We rehomed them all eventually, including a dog that my husband drove all the way to Colorado (from Florida) to give back to the girl’s ex-boyfriend.

60

That was kind of your husband.