I have a niece who, at 12, as far as I can see does nothing around the house at all. At 12 I was looking after other people’s children for money, never mind helping my own parents with housework and yard work (bitching and moaning, mind you. I wasn’t perfect or anything, but I still did it). Maybe I’m having a case of remembering selectively, but my nieces don’t seem to have any responsibilities around the house at all. You don’t move out on your own and magically know how to do laundry, clean a house, shop for groceries, cook meals, weed a garden, mow a lawn, wash a car, etc. Your adolescent years living at home should be your training ground for all these things.
No kidding. Even if I or either of my sibs had gone to university in the Old Home Town, I don’t think we could have lived at home. Dorms your first two years, then an apartment with a part-time job to cover part of the costs (in addition to carrying your school load) and an assist from Dad for the rest of the costs.
I was out of the house (except for summers) at 18; had my first apartment at 20 and stopped going “home” for the summers. I wasn’t fully independent until 24 because I went to grad school and my generous father did continue to underwrite living expenses as long as I was in school. But I was expected to contribute as much as was reasonable for being in school – which meant a part-time job during the school year and a full-time job during the summers – and I sure as hell wasn’t welcome to move back in with him and my mom.
But knowing him as I do – if I had lived at home and was sitting around because I didn’t “need” a full-time job in the summer, he would have raised my rent until I needed the job he expected me to have.
Adults work for a living. Adults support themselves. Simple as that.
[Old Biddy Rant]
I think young people (and their parents) are reaping the harvest of low expectations throughout childhood – though I don’t know if that applies to Canadiangirl’s situation or not. But ISTM that a lot of kids these days are raised without responsibilities and without anyone teaching them the principles that everything costs money, and in order to make the money you need to buy necessities you have to work, and the more/better education you have the more money you will make and the easier it will be to get the things you need or want.
When I was growing up we had chores we had to do and when we were old enough to start earning our own spending money we were expected to do so. My sister and I babysat; my brother had a paper route. Now, we weren’t allowed to work during the school year in high school because according to my dad “School is your job,” but in the summers, once we were legal to work, we were expected to work. I started waiting tables the summer I turned 16. Even on your days off during the summer, sitting around wasn’t much of an option; it irritated my mom, who would say, “Find something to do or I will find you something to do.”
But now I seem to see a lot of young people living lives where the household chores are done by the housekeeper and the lawn service, they are given cars at the age of 16, and they are encouraged to think of free time as time to sit around, be lazy, sleep 'til noon, play video games. Frankly, I don’t think those kids are well prepared for the realities of the real world, and I think it’s only natural that their response to “get a job” is “but I can’t find one I really like” or “get your own place” is “but I like it better here, where everything is done for me.” Those sorts of responses would have made my dad laugh his ass off, back in the day.
Now get off my lawn!
[/ Old Biddy Rant]
I never understood wanting to live at home during the college years. I thought living at college was great. It might be tough for some people, but that’s how you build character.
I did live at home for a year after I graduated, basically until I could find a job. The problem is that it becomes very easy to just goof off and become a 20-something aimless slacker stereotype. It’s ok to take a little time off to relax, but you don’t want to be the last guy in your home town while all your friends are off working in New York or Boston (or wherever you live).
Maybe the difference is the parents - I couldn’t wait to not live with mine any more. Maybe parents are too nice to their kids these days; I know my parents didn’t have that problem. (This sounds awfully familiar - “Find something to do or I will find you something to do.” The “something” usually involved cleaning.)
Well, to continue with the ongoing saga…(Featherlou, you still there?) apparently hubby has spoke to stepkid - of course, conveniently missing all the “deadline” oriented stuff. Bottom line is; get a plan and a full time summer job. My discussion plan involved “you’re ok for another two years, providing you work 40 hours a week in the summer then that’s it, you’re out”.
No mention of eternal school, etc. Apparently a minor requires more credits than others hence the year after the next one?
It’s continuing to be a very sore subject…unfortunately I don’t have any family that isn’t related to hubby so the Dope is my outlet.
Again, thanks for listening.
Yup, still here (I should probably go outside once in a while 
). Do you think you and your hubby are on the same page? I’m getting a vibe here that you aren’t being given the ability to make decisions about your own house, and that would be a big problem for me.
Nah, it’s cold here for outside. Getting warmer into the spring though. Well, except the snow we’re supposed to get on Monday :eek:
I’m not sure we’re on the same page either. I guess that’s bothering me too. I’m not one to fight to change someone’s mind. They believe what they believe. So, I’ll likely just go about doing what I do and see what happens. If, in another year (last year will be over) things show no sign of changing, I’ll be looking at moving. I won’t go out in the proverbial blaze of glory, just a very calm I don’t want to do this anymore move. And that’s ok. It’s just going to be expensive for me!
If you move, you can be dinged for child support payable to your spouse for support of your adult child who is still in school on a more or less full time basis but still living with your spouse. Better to drive the kid out than to be driven out, for if he leaves the nest but you do not separate from your spouse, then you do not have to pay any child support.
Jumping in late here. But in my personal opinion, there comes a time when you have to start assuming adult responsibilities and one of these is providing for your own residence. This guy’s old enough. If it’s motivation he needs, you can start charging him rent. If it’s the father who needs motivation, you can point out that he’s not doing his son any long-term favors by delaying the date when he learns how to live on his own - it’ll be easier to make the transition at 22 than it will be at 30. It’s natural to want to help your children but one of the things you have to help them do is grow up.
Canadiangirl, do I understand you right - that you would leave your husband over this, if his son doesn’t move out after two years from now (and he doesn’t make his son move out at that time)? That’s a pretty serious decision you’re contemplating, if I understand you.
It sounds lik eyou’re willing to give up your marriage without even being able to have a fight about the subject. If you’re not willing to show your husband how seriously you feel about this, it seems unfair to walk out of the marriage. He’s not a mind reader. You both seem to be people who don’t like to lay things out plainly, but if you don’t spell it our, he’s going to see you leave and wonder what made this all come about.
If you care about your marriage, you’ll sit down with him and explain exactly what your expectations are. And if he agrees, but is unable to communicate them to his son, spell it out in a contract you all would sign. But don’t let your mutual passivity end your marriage!
StG