I believe the situation is as you make it. My parents tried really hard to be civil and to make the best of the situtation, and they succeeded. I think that the divorces that create problems are those where either one or both parties don’t try or fail miserably. It’s not always a negative experience. Maybe the majority of the time, but sometimes a horrible marriage can be just as damaging as a divorce.
My parents have been divorced as long as I can remember. I literally have no memory of my parents being together. I’m an only child, I bounced back and forth between both parents and the assorted dates thereof, but I think I came out ok.
My parents split up when I was nine. That led to a fairly bitter divorce which lasted several years. My parents divorce was further complicated by religious matters.
Cataloging the effects of my parents’ divorce on me may be a bit complicated, but I’ll try:
Turbulent years as a teenager
My teenage years were turbulent, but, to be perfectly honest, I don’t think I can attribute them all to my parents’ divorce. While I never got involved with alcohol, tobacco, drugs, etc., I was a bit of an emotional wreck. I believe I was more depressed than the average teen. I never seriously contemplated suicide, but I did give it more than a few passing thoughts. At least once I tried to run away. For a short while, I was stealing. The friction in my school (see below), plus a lengthy hospitilization of my mother led to extended hookey playing. In my senior year in high school, I probably missed about three and a half months.
My teenage years were also a period of spiritual upheaval for me as well. I nearly fell out of Orthodox Judaism as well, but it must be noted that were it not for the divorce, I would not have become Orthodox to begin with. Part of the problem also involved the Yeshiva I was attending (which, again, I would not have been attending were it not for the divorce) and my theological differences with my fellow students and the administration. There were times I doubted some of the basic core beliefs of Judaism. Even once I decided to remain Orthodox, I struggled to find my place within Orthodox Judaism, something which, to this very day, I have not completely done.
It took a long time for me to come to grips with what was happening to myself and my family and there were times where I began to wonder if the religion was even worth it; considering the costs involved. I spent a fair time wondering why God was allowing this to happen to me and my family. I knew, intellectually, that my parents weren’t the only ones getting divorced and I wasn’t the only kid in the world going through what I was going through, but at times it really felt like I was alone in the world.
I also tend to be a bit of a loner; I have few friends (but those that I do have are close). This is, IMHO, also at least partially attributable to my parents’ divorce. I made the mistake one day of pouring out my soul to a “friend” when I was about eleven or so at a summer camp. I was quickly “rewarded” when I was made fun of by other campers. What I told a friend in confidence quickly became public knowledge. As a result, I learned early on not to confide in anyone and not to trust a friend too much unless I really got to know them. It also caused me to learn to hide the fact of my parents’ divorce from people as much as possible.
Rift with Dad
One price of my parents’ divorce was a rift that occured between me and my father when I was about 12. Our relationship had been souring for a few years after my parents separated, but it really hit rock-bottom at about 12. I ended up not speaking to or seeing him for about three years. It’s a period that I still, to this day, deeply regret and will forever affect the relationship that I have with my father. Interestingly, it was his remarriage that brought us back together. While I regretted the rift as soon as it was over, the horror of it didn’t really sink in to me until I became a parent myself, and tried to imagine my children not wanting to have anything to do with me for three years.
The reprecussions of this continue to this day in the way I deal with my children. I don’t envision the same set of circumstances which led to my estrangement from my father happening between me and my children. Yet, however, I know from personal experience that I can never let a situation come to be, where my children will want me out of their lives.
Relationship with my sister
I would be lying if I said that only negative came out of my parents’ divorce. One positive that came out is my relationship with my sister. We are the only two children of my parents. In many ways, even though we fought like normal teens, we became very close because, at the time, we really only had each other for support. My father was cut out of my life, my mother was often ill and in the hospital. While we did have extended family who, without a doubt would have been there for us if we needed anything, I know that, for myself, I would not have felt comfortable about “inconveniencing” them. So, in the end, my sister became my confidant, and I became hers. And while we are both now married with children, in some ways, my sister knows me better than my wife does or even I know myself.
Marriage
While I would have to honestly say that I was too young to really take notice of what, precisely, went sour in my parents’ marriage, I do know that my own marriage has been affected by this too. I am a hopeless romantic at heart, and I can’t help but wonder if it is because I so desperately want to avoid my parents’ fate. As such, I take great pains to try to make my wife as happy as possible. Of course, we do have our moments (IMHO, any couple that never has a cross word with each other must have been lobotomized by aliens at some point), primarily when we are tired or emotionally exhausted, but I know that my wife will go to extraordinary lengths to make me happy, and I must do the same.
Anyway, I didn’t mean for this to turn into my life story, and this is definitely more than I originally planned posting. However, this was one of those situations where once I started typing, it all just poured out.
Zev Steinhardt
I grew up as a “child of divorce”… my mother married and divorced three times. I have my internal issues, but nothing that “messes” me up… I never really had problems with anger or depression… until I went to boarding school… but that’s a different story…
I think children of divorced parents can grow up normally… I had a high GPA and my morals were good… and I never got in trouble… In a way I have sort have become “immune” , if you will… to it all… numb…
As for my experience with relationships, I know what to look for, I do have a problem trusting quickly and I don’t fall hard for someone I’ve hardly met because of the chance of getting hurt so bad I could take forever to recover… So far… so good… no probs…
~Mollycoddle
Ps. my mother is working on husband numkber 4 at the moment…
Not all of them.
Me, as a baby.
My boyfriend, as a small child.
We’re normal.
-M