the effect of divorce on children

Great Debates
1

Are children from families where the mother and father become divorced more at risk for:

underage sex?
unprotected sex?
alcohol and drug abuse?

I’m assuming many people blindly come to this conclusion (or at least blame divorce on above-mentioned problems).

Have you come to the conclusion that divorce affects children negatively?

Are there any studies which have shown a strong correlation between divorce and the above?

Most importantly, and this is the GD aspect to it:

Is divorce a valid excuse for the development of drug/alcohol abuse, teenage pregnancy, or practice of unprotected sex?

I’m almost certain most of you will say “no”, but how much of the blame lies with the parent vs. the child if these problems do arise?

I’ll start by saying that I think the individual is ultimately in control of what he or she does; divorced parents or otherwise.

However, if divorce has a negative psychological effect on children, this stance becomes murkier.

Having said that, I am not from a “divorce” family, so I’m not exactly speaking from first-hand experience.

2

I’m from a ‘divorce’ family. I have to answer a big “yes” to all three questions, personally. Same with my older sister. Not my younger sister though. She chose anorexia instead of drug abuse. She was always a rebel.

But I don’t know if was the divorce that affected us, or the abandonment by our father. (that was why Mom divorced him) Would things have been different if the folks were divorced but still emotionally and physically available? I don’t know.

3

Anecdotally, I would answer thus:

My parents divorced in 1984, after 19 years of marriage. I was 13 at the time, my sister was 15. Taking the three items you mentioned, here’s how it played out–

1. Underage sex: Can you be more specific? Do you mean “under age 18” or “under the legal age of consent in your state”? I had sex for the first time when I was 15. So, I believe, did my siser.

2. Unprotected sex: I know that when my siser was first sexually active, she was pretty good about contraceptives. I remember her telling me all about her trip to the Free Clinic, and going on the pill. Later, after she was an adult, she was a little less conscious of it. She has 3 kids now.

I have never, ever, ever had sex without some form of birth control.

3. Alcohol/drug abuse: I’ve never been an abuser of either. I had my first beer when I was 14. I did the normal college alcohol stuff. Other than that, I’ve never so much as touched tobacco, pot, or any other mind-altering substance.

My sister started smoking when she was 13. She’s never quit. She’s been drinking since at least 15, although I’d hardly call her an alcoholic or abuser. I’ve seen her smoke pot–she’s offered me joints before. She still smokes it, AFAIK. I know she’s used cocaine in the past. I don’t know if she’s done anything harder. I don’t think she’s an addict as the term is normally understood.

Although you didn’t ask, people also question how divorce affects the children’s ability to maintain relationships. My sister has never been able to successfully maintain a relationship. She was not married to the fathers of her first two children. She did marry before becoming pregnant with her third, but the marriage lasted less than two years. I have been married only once, and still am, and recently celebrated my 10th anniversary.

So, what that tells you, I don’t know. Just my own personal experiences.

4

Let me first say that I think this is a terrific topic for debate. I grew up witnessing first hand the effects NOT getting divorced had on children, when a marriage is combative, violent, tense, and dysfunctional. From the time I understood what it meant, I hoped for divorce.

As such, I don’t think there’s any clear cut way to make a blanket statement “divorce is bad for kids.” There are too many factors at play here. From my own perspective, I believe that if a couple goes their separate ways and moves on to become happy individuals with healthy relationships who spend appropriate time with their children then divorce can be a GREAT thing for the kids. Particularly if the pre-divorce situation was problematic for the children.

I think the thing to keep in mind is that parents’ relationship(s) do have a lasting effect on children. They are much more perceptive than we realize and can pick up tension and other nuances at a much younger age than you might think possible. One failed relationship does not a dysfunctional child make. Or it doesn’t HAVE to anyway. There are ways to handle this that can leave minimal damage. Unfortunately, I don’t believe most people handle divorce in those necessary ways. I also don’t believe many people handle their marriages in ways that are good for children.

As for the other question, about age of responsibility, that’s a tough one. Certainly, there is a point in which a “child” becomes responsible for their own behavior. Each individual has to move on from any problems they had inflicted upon them and fix those problems on their own. Continual blame only indicates that the "inflictors) still have power over you. There really IS no excuse for self-destructive behavior past a certain age.

My difficulty comes in determining what age that is. Certainly, no one would argue that a 6 year old is the product of his/her parental guidance or lack thereof and therefore, not to be held completely responsible for their actions. And most people would say that a 10-year old was more or less in the same boat. But 14? Fifteen and a half?

I think it’s important to remember in these cases that the “child” involved (no matter what their age, really) hasn’t been given the tools to recognize their problems and to deal with the complex issues involved in solving them. I don’t think anyone should be allowed to use family difficulties as an EXCUSE for bad behavior. However, I think we need to keep in mind that children from troubled households may need longer to figure out a) what is wrong and b) how to fix it.

-L

5

One thing to consider, anytime you are dealing with some kind of statistical analysis, is what other factors may affect the outcome.

Let us assume that yes, divorce increases all of this. There may be other factors at work. One that comes to mind is the quality of parenting PRIOR to the divorce. Most of the couples I have witnessed divorce were not always the great at parenting. They weren’t a united front, or were too busy with themselves to parent their child.

NOW, this is not to say that people that get divorced are somehow automatically bad parents. I have also witnessed some very loving (to the children) excellent parents whom got divorced. I am mearly pointing out that the actual DIVORCE may not be the sole, or even MAIN cause of any data that supports divorce leading to the things the OP brought up.

6

Thanks, pl.

This is actually the reason I started this thread, but I didn’t want to just come out and say it.

There is a girl I’ve started seeing, and last night she told me about her admittedly checkered past, involving unprotected sex, rampant drug abuse, etc, and a fucked-up family life.

Unfortunately, she felt that I would reject her after having opened up to me like that, made noticable by the discomforting haze that fell over us after her admissions.

I just wanted to know if her parents’ poor marriage “forced” her down that road, or if these poor choices she made were of her own valition solely.

Note: I’m not judging her on what she did, because she (seemingly) turned her life around.

7

I’m one of those strange people who believe that divorce CAN BE the best thing for children. My parents divorced when I was six or so, and the biggest thing I remember is the utter relief that they wouldn’t be fighting all the time anymore. I spent time at both households, and while their parenting styles were very different, they both were the best parents they could be once they didn’t have to spend their energies warring. Results?

Underage sex: First sex at 16. Much later than many of my peers, I’m afraid.
Unprotected sex: Never. Not once. (Until after I was married for about eight years!)
Drug/alcohol abuse: Nope. Tried pot a couple of times, have a drink now and then, but that’s the extent of it.

I’m of the firm opinion that if my parents had stayed together “for the sake of the child” we all would have been very unhappy - and I probably would have turned to drugs and early sex. Go figure!

Just for the record, I’ve been married (first marriage for both of us) for almost 10 years now. We fully expect to be together until “death do us part.”

8

And of course, as soon as I hit “submit” I realized that this is Great Debates, which means: CITE! :slight_smile:

So here we go:

http://www.hec.ohio-state.edu/famlife/divorce/effects.htm

Basically, this study shows that there is a slightly higher incidence of problems in children from divorced families - 10% of children from intact families versus 26% - 34% of children from divorced families had “serious” problems. Factors they looked at to account for that higher ratio included not only the usually-cited stress factors (loss of a parent in the household, economic loss, inter-parental conflicts, etc), but also parental adjustment to the divorce and parental competence.

9

This is one of those cases where you can pull cites and studies, but generalizing from the entire set to the specific instance can be dangerous. You are indentifying risk, not cause.

Almost all studies agree that kids do better in two parent homes where the parents are happy than in divorced families. Duh. The question becomes, is a good divorce better than a bad marriage? Is an average divorce better than a bad marriage? Is a bad divorce better than a bad marriage?

Did your girlfriend’s parents force her into unprotected sex, rampant drug use, etc? No. But their lack of love and attention, their focus on their own issues, may have contributed to her attempt to find fulfillment in these things. However, that may have been the case had they never divorced and were just fighting all the time.

The past is the past. Sounds like she’s making an attempt to let her past be the past.

My hubby comes from divorced parents. He didn’t have sex until after 18. His drinking happened in college. In fact, his “bad behavior” is pretty much like mine, I’m from a happy intact family. His brother reacted differently, and did exhibit some bad behavior (although not seriously bad), but who knows if it was divorce related. My sister also went through a bad girl stage (same happy parents as me).

10

I’ve had pretty much the same experiences as Spaceweft. Basically, my parent’s divorce was a relief. My Dad didn’t take very well to settling down, and after the divorce, he didn’t have to. My Mom was fine with it being just me and her, and she actually claims that single parenting (while in college, for that matter) is not all that hard. Anyway, my family situation has always been wonderful, depsite the abasence of a “dad”. I can honestly say that it didn’t traumatize me in the least.

Every divorce is different, and every family is different. I don’t think we can really generalize. It is kind of like asking “Are kids with sisters at risk for drug abuse?”. They may be, they may not be, but ultimatly it boils down to a lot moe than just having a sister.

11

Why is sex before age 18 “bad”? (I mean, if the underage person is responsible enough and well-educated enough to be careful about it.)

12

My parents divorced when I was five, the third time my mother caught my father cheating. Two years later, he disappeared from my life, and didn’t reappear until I was twelve. During that time, he became an alcoholic. He has been through rehab three times, and is currently sober. Totally delusional, but sober. Had my parents stayed married, I would have had to live with an alcoholic father. If she hadn’t gotten the guts to kick his butt out, my mother would not have become the strong, incredible woman she is today. I would certainly be a different person.

Early sex: started at 15, a little young for kids in my area.
Unprotected sex: once or twice in college, but far less than many of my friends.
Substance abuse: none. It is rare for me to even have a glass of wine or a beer with dinner.
Lasting relationship: Mr. Winkie and I have been together for 8 years, and will celebrate our 5th anniversary in another 2 months. (His parents divorced, remarried, and divorced again.)

13

It’s not. Just so happens that underage people are, generally speaking, less informed on the potential dangers of engaging in sexually activity, and less prepared for the physical, emotion, and psychological impact of such behavior.

14

Earlier this year I read:
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, which addresses many of your questions.
http://www.split-up.com/advisors/Dr_Judith_Wallerstein_New_Book.htm

This book was written by conducting interviews with a group of children of divorce and followed up for a total of 25 years. It traces their feelings about the divorce, their siblings, their relationships, and more.

The most interesting part for me what that the author felt that similar effects were seen in children of seriously disfunctional families along with children of divorce.

It’s a great read, whether or not you agree with her research method or conclusions.

Zette

15

No cite, sorry, but plenty of experience and observation. (Having lived through three parental divorces in person, and others by extension - non-custodial parents divorcing, that is.)

I generally find myself irked when people suggest that divorce itself is the cause of negative behaviors. As has been noted by several of the posters, the stats do not often explore the true causes of the problems, only link two phenomena together - divorce and subsequent behavior, but no controlling for resources, or how the process unfolded (quality/respect/fairness/responsibilty), or what went before the divorce, or what happened after. This is very much the case with me - the quality of the parenting (before, during, and after the divorce), and the capacity of the individuals to retain their stability, maturity, respect, thoughtfulness, and perspective during the divorce was always critical to how much the process affected me, both short-term and long-term.

As for the woman in question, I suspect that the fact of the divorce itself is not the key to the subsequent behavior. That is a simplification that may or may not be relevant, but is at least a handy ‘tag’ for the underlying issues. Having the parents either start out or become dysfunctional is going to cause some nasty traumas for many kids. Those traumas can have serious consequences if not handled or resolved. But they can also be worked on later, too. Therapy is a good place to start…

Fundamentally, my observation is that the ‘usual’ problems ‘caused by divorce’ are actually caused by:

  1. temporary (but significant) family/parental dysfunction before, during, or after a divorce.

and/or

  1. long-term dysfunctions in the family (regardless of marital status/divorce).

Kind of mirrors what Dr. Wallerstien seems to be saying…