Kids of Divorce: I need to know...

In My Humble Opinion
21

My parents divorced when I was 11, ten years ago; it was extremely difficult for my brother (who was 13) and me, though it was definitely the right thing - my father was an abusive alcoholic and a drug addict.

My reaction was probably the opposite of what you’d expect. I was the perfect teenager. I never drank, smoke, did drugs, or had sex. I was home every night studying, in bed by ten. I threw myself into my schoolwork and graduated at the top of my class. I got a full scholarship to college. My mom was my best friend until I was 19 or so; I told her everything, and she trusted me implicitly. She thought I was perfect.

On the surface, I was the perfect teenager, but a lot more was going on down below. Partly because of the abuse and the alcoholism, but also because of the divorce and because I wasn’t allowed to see my father at all afterward (as decided by the court), I became the supreme perfectionist and control freak. I expected nothing but the absolute best from myself, and when I failed at anything, I would hate myself. Hell, to be honest, I hated myself regardless of whether or not I failed. I thought I was despicable and ugly and horrible and was surprised that no one else seemed to realize it. There were periods of time, when I was 14-17, when I seriously considered suicide, and no one around me had any clue how screwed up I was.

I spent 11 years trying to be the perfect daughter so that my father would love me. That’s what it all boils down to: I just wanted him to put me first, ahead of his drinking and his drugs. After the divorce, my mom quickly remarried and I didn’t see my dad for two years, and I just felt second- or third-rate to a more painful degree. I have spent the past few years battling that feeling, because it stays with you: enough people make you feel like dirt, and you believe you are dirt, you know? It is only very recently that I have come to terms with the fact that my parents both had problems and were screwed up in ways I can’t imagine, and that my family didn’t want to interfere, and that none of that had anything to do with me as a person. Yet for a long time I believed that if I was perfect, I would be loved more; I would be the most important thing to someone, finally - number one in someone’s heart.

The big moment of change came when I turned 19, finished my first year of college, and finally owned up to my parents that I hated my school, that I wanted to drop out, that had made a mistake. It was the first time I ever said that allowed: I was wrong. I made a mistake. It was life-changing. I was finally able to let go of my desire to be perfect. It’s still there, don’t get me wrong: I still bust my ass in school and at work, but I do that for the satisfaction it gives me, not for others.

On another level, my love life is totally fucked and mostly that’s because of my issues with trust and committment. I can’t see marriage as anything other than a totalitarian regime; I can’t imagine ever getting married, or even what it would be like to be in a healthy marriage, because I never witnessed one up close. But the divorce confused me in the same way: why even bother getting close to anyone, when they will just hurt you and leave anyway? A part of me feels that I’ve been hurt enough for one lifetime, that the best thing is to just close myself off and not care too much about anyone. I’m glad my parents got divorced, but that doesn’t make it easier to come to terms with the absence of someone I built my life around. Because even with all his problems, he was still my Dad, and his absence hurt tremendously, and I still dealing with it to this day.

I don’t know if any of this helps you, Jinx. I am probably “Damaged Goods” to an extreme measure (ask any of the people I’ve dated). But I’d like to think that someone might come along who likes their fruit slightly bruised and doesn’t mind paying full price for it.

22

My parents split when I was 8 and I ended up never smoking, never using drugs, and drinking alcohol very rarely (~1 drink/month, I guess). I’m not even much of a coffee drinker.

Aside from the occasional kitten-strangling, I turned out okay.

23

My parents’ divorce was final in 1978, when I was ten and my sister was eight. I’m a lot like Nacho4Sara, minus the parental alcoholism issues and suicidal thoughts. Big goody-two-shoes, straight-A student, never drank, smoked, or had sex until I was a legal adult (in fact, never smoked or did any drugs at all).

I do, apparently, however, attract fixer-upper guys in a really big way, and have been doing some serious soul-searching to figure out why and how to change it. My father has absolutely no clue emotionally; I’m civil with him, but that’s about it, and I don’t think he has any clue that he’s missing out on anything.

My sister, however, is another story. She’s always been in some kind of trouble, drank, smoked, cut school, got arrested, dates guys who treat her like crap but sticks with them anyway, sometimes for years at a time…she’s 31 and has been with her current guy for something like 7 years on and off, the last five of which he has been living with another woman.

Who knows to what extent all this is the result of my parents’ divorce per se? I think it would have been the same even if they’d stayed together; Dad is no more distant living in another time zone than he was when he was living a few blocks away, or even in the same house. My parents were always a mismatch, and what I never understood is how they got married in the first place. I think my and my sister’s issues are more related to our parents’ relationship with each other and toward us than strictly to whether they remained legally married. One close friend of mine has parents with similar issues to mine, but who stayed legally married until the kids were intheir twenties, and he and his sister both have similar relationship issues as I and my sister have.

24

How damaging a divorce is to the kids is directly related to how “adult” the divorcing parents are. Some can’t seem to put their hostilities away particularly in the presence of the kids. I married a divorcee and the first thing I did in our relationship was make it clear that I was not going to be an obstacle between them. Consequently we have all become good friends. My wifes ex is the first person I would call in an emergency, even something as simple as a car breaking down. He has even lived with us at one point for 3 years and was an immense help in caring for the kids. We have vacationed together and when my wifes father could’nt show up for our wedding HE GAVE HER AWAY! in his place. (This was a first for the minister).
Anyway I have seen the effects of constant bickering, hostility, and vying for a childs affections by trying to constantly outdo the other and it is a very confusing and unfair situation for a kid to handle. The child should not be made to feel like he/she needs to choose a side.

25

When my parents divorced, (when I was 15) I did a dance of joy. IMHO they should have done it about 3 years sooner.

I was a good, boring teenager, before and after.

26

You sound like someone I’d like to meet as soon as I get out of rehab.

Do you have a nice car?

27

[Saint Mode]-blesses all the multiple posts-[/Saint Mode]

It’s really hard to say how a divorce can affect kids. I’m almost 20 and my parents seperated when I was 11, the divorce only came through about 4-5 years after they seperated.

From quite a few perspectives I could be considered to be a messed up kid. I skipped school a lot, dropped out halfway through grade 11 etc etc. But the whole time I was considered the good one, I had no behavioral problems beyond being too shy and smart for my own good. The whole reason I started skipping school though wasn’t because my father left, it was because I couldn’t handle social situations. My father was the only reason I continued at the school I was at in the first place, because he told me to buck up and not be suck a crybaby and sent me out the door to school. Rather I think a lot of my problems stem from that, that he refused to listen in the slightest to the problems I was having at school with the students, and eventually teachers. I was left adrift with no way to find myself help.

But basically after the divorce my brother and I were in front of the school board numerous times due to not going to school, and eventually they gave up on me. I’ve always been the good one who did everything, but I was also the oldest child. I learned everything from my parents about what was going on, and for the longest time they could barely be civil to each other. But I had to protect my little brother. He was the younger one, the one who wouldn’t understand anything of what had happened.

My mother never intended to dump her stuff on me, and she was very good at not extolling my father’s thoughts. She did dump some stuff though but I know that was because I was always mature for my age, and she didn’t have many friends. (We were living in a small town at the time and had no relatives nearby nor much of a support system at all.) My father was extremely bad though, he likes to discuss his relationships with me. He does it to this very day actually, though now it’s a lot of asking me for advice as I am apparently the only woman beyond one of his sister’s who can help him.

Both sides of the family are terrible as well. My mother’s family has turned my father persona non grata and he is a totally taboo topic, which has spilled over to my brother and I as we are his kids. It can’t help that the majority of them are also spread across the east coast and we are west coast. My father’s family… to this day anytime I mention a problem of my own (ie insomnia, feeling ill, anything) I get a list of exactly what happened when I was a kid and how the problems I have now are a direct result of my mother’s mistakes and exactly what those were.

Right now I wouldn’t say I’m at a really good place in my life, but I’m much happier than I was. Why? Because I moved out. Over the years since the divorce I have lived with my mother, my father and my grandmother. I don’t blame my problems on stuff my parents did, and am finding my own way. This doesn’t sit well with the majority of my relatives though because I am not yet in University with the rest of my life planned out before me. I am moving towards that but at my own pace. Which is what is best for me.

Blah that’s probably way too much background info but basically what I want to say is that not all kids who have parents who are divorced are messed up. They might have problems yes, but a lot of teenagers have problems and they will probably grow out of them. There are always repercussions to actions, and yes children of divorce will feel them. I certainly know I was so stressed and an emotional and social wreck because of how my parents reacted and how I reacted to them.

With relationships… well I don’t have much to say about how that would affect future relationships. Because I was such a wreck I’ve only recently come into my own and had enough confidence to even try dating. For example I’ve only started dating within the past 6 months, I have never had the chance to have the usual tempestuous teenage high school relationships.

I also know I have a bit of a cynical view towards relationships, but I am also very idealistic which is a bad combination cuz I try to hard to have my ideal, but my cynism comes through too. I don’t want love, I just want someone to be there. If loves comes with it, great, but I’ll just take a good friend and good sex.

I think the main result of my parents divorce on how I interact is I try to hold on too tight. I push too much because I want to know, are they going to stick around or are they going to leave like my Dad… and it’s a self fufilling problem because they do leave.

Who knows what else will turn up later on… -shrugs- I’ll deal with it as it comes.

-makes note to self to read posts carefully next time. Started to reply thinking that Jinx was getting a divorce and had kids and wanted reassurance he wasn’t going to have to deal with unduly messed up teens.-

28

Daaaaaaaaamn that’s a long post. I’ve never made any that long before.

29

My parents divorced before I ever even started elementary school. It was good–I mean, over 17 years later, they still can’t get along. I was old enough to remember them fighting (therefor, it’s not as if it came out of nowhere), yet young enough not to remember the exact things they said (that’s not to say they haven’t said hurtful things to each other since). It was also good in that I dealt with all the “it’s my fault” issues when I was 6, rather than 16.

Oh, one piece of info that might make my situation a bit more unique–I’m female, but my dad got custody halfway through my kindergarten year. Shortly after that, the woman who became my stepmother started living with us, and they married 4 years later. There still together. Oh, and for most of my childhood, my mom lived 100 miles away, in another state.

I’d like to think I’m rather well-adjusted. I was a tomboy anyway, and until my younger brother was born, I felt that my dad treated me almost as a surrogate son. I’m still very close to him, and am probably more like him than my mother. He really encouraged me in school, especially my interest in science. I pretty much always got straight A’s (until college, that is), and I’m in my fifth year as an engineering undergrad.

My friends were always “good kids”–in high school I didn’t have sex (the fact that I really didn’t date in high school helped, as the fact that I’m terrified of turning into my mother, who had me a week before her 20th birthday), I didn’t drink (other than holidays, when I’d have wine or champagne with my family), and I didn’t do any drugs.

My life isn’t quite as boring as it was then. I think that many of my relationship problems, especially early on, were just because I didn’t have much dating experience. And the fact that I’m an engineer. I’d like to think it wouldn’t be a reason, but you’d be surprised at what a conversation killer “I’m studying engineering” is to a guy who’s trying to pick me up.

I’m not opposed to marriage at all. I believe that my dad’s first marriage taught me to be damn sure of who you decide to marry. And his second provided me of a good example of a stable, working partnership. And despite how this post sounds, I don’t hate my mother. We have lots of issues to work out.

30

Tou’re obviously talking to the wrong sorts of guys when this happens. Most guys I know, including myself, would consider it a plus. :slight_smile:

31

My parents divorced when I was eight. Most of my memories of my father before the divorce are pretty dour. Not that he was ever mean, brutal, or anything like that, but that he was never happy. The divorce was a nasty one, but not as bad as some that I’ve seen.

As for school, well, I did pretty well up until the divorce, I guess. Afterwards it never really held much interest for me. I always remember talking to my dad on the phone and padding my report card grades slightly, and him telling me that I wasn’t doing well-enough.

My whole family considers me to be some kind of “Golden Child.” I’m supposed to be the best looking and brightest out of my brothers and cousins and I have the least to show for it.

I drank occassionally while in high school, smoked some. Didn’t do drugs until I got into college and I’ve stayed away from the hard stuff like cocaine.

With relationships I haven’t done all that well. There’s very few women that I’m able to hit it off with, and when things start to go sour, I just give up. I don’t want to fight to keep them, because I don’t know what to do. I watched my first girlfriend’s parent’s marriage disintergrate when I was sixteen. A nasty, brutal affair, with her father beating her and her mother, my girlfriend laughing at me because of my fear, and telling me not to do anything to her father when I threatened to.

Most of my relationships have lasted six months or less. There’s been just two that have lasted longer than a year. In one, I could have married the girl, but didn’t for reasons that escape me at the moment.

I have “black dog days” where my depression controls everything I do. I have other days where I hatch elaborate schemes to pull myself up out of the mess I find myself in.

And yet, I don’t think of myself as damaged goods. I will get married, I will have children, I will be a success in life. I’ve been battered about by life, but I refuse to be beaten by it.

Nacho4Sara, you’re most certainly not damaged goods, and anyone that isn’t willing to pay the price for you isn’t worth having.

easy e, you’re hanging out in the wrong places. Personally, I’d kill to have a girlfriend who was studying engineering. (I’ve got all these crazy ideas, you see, and having an engineer around that I could bounce them off of would come in really handy. Notice my sig.)

32

Tuckerfan, That is soooooo me too. You wouldn’t happen to the oldest child (of either faily and/or cousins?) too? I think that’s some kind of a phenomena… The oldest one is supposed to have some sort of a great life and be able to set an example for all the younger ones. I always get compared to my next in ages cousins (within a year or two of my own age) and they all have the ‘golden’ lives. IE are all going to college/university, play instruments, have great marks, are earning scholarships etc. Then there is me the ‘golden child’ as you said, and I only just got my diploma

33

Nope, I’m the youngest by a good many years. The brother closest to me in age is ten years older. The next, fifteen. As for my cousins, I’m not really sure of their ages, but they’re at least ten years older than I am.

34

My parents divorced when I was in the 5th grade (10 years old?). I didn’t cry, I didn’t get angry, I didn’t get upset. Dad took me out for a drive one day and explained things and I just kinda shrugged and said ‘Ok’.

I never saw my parents fight before the divorce so it was a surprise but it didn’t really effect me at all. I’ve got a close bond with both parents and I love them dearly. They get along well enough now so that’s a bonus. I’ve never suffered any repercussions from the divorce. I suppose I’m just simply very well adjusted.

35

-notes that her roomie sent her post while she was on the phone and before she had finished writing it… which is why it ended so abruptly- Ahh… well that tosses that theory out the window.

36

My parent were divorced when I was 6. Now, I’m screwed up. My two sisters (one younger, one older) are well-adjusted.

37

My parents divorced when I was 12 and my little brothers were 5 and 4.

It played hell with my mind (talk about mood swings), and my brothers were certainly affected at the time (one clammed up, the other was…confused, for lack of a better word). But I slowly adjusted, and my brothers have more or less returned to normal (as normal as the little freaks get, anway :p).

Point is, the divorce seemed to have a greater and longer-lasting effect on me than my brothers. There’s no good age, but some are worse than others.

38

My parents divorced when I was three and my older sister was six. My sister suffered far worse in the early years. I had relationship problems and have just now married at 31 years of age. My sister and I both became single parents, she at 18 and me at 22. We both chose horrible men and it’s only now that we’re growing the hell up in that regard.

My eventual step-brothers and -sister were far, far worse messed up than my sister and I. One brother became an alcoholic (yes, it’s a disease, but the others controlled theirs) and drug addict. He is clean now, five years. One brother became involved in abusive relationships and was almost killed by one psychotic girlfriend. My step-sister is deluded about a lot of things, and is greatly obese and in denial. She is a single parent of a budding felon - just like his dead, IV drug-using, alcoholic, continually jailed father.

39

Well…a positive account to add to the mix!! –

My parents divorced when I was in about third grade. I’m an only child, and the divorce was not acrimonious. They just didn’t love one another any more and didn’t want to be married. The split everything in half evenly and my dad moved four blocks away. At the beginning I stayed with my mother for the week and my father on the weekend. But even in fourth grade I foresaw problems with that (if I wanted to see my friends on the weekend but felt guilty about not seeing my dad), so I asked to change it to switching weeks. So every friday I changed houses and it worked perfectly. It might not have been so good if they had lived farther apart, or if they weren’t civil to one another. They made a deal, officially in their divorce I believe, that they would not badmouth the other or impart any of their negative sentiments to me. A couple of times I felt in the middle because there were just certain issues they disagreed about, but they really minimized that.

Plus, my stepdad is wonderful and if there’s any problem, he’s always the one who can deal with it and make things right. Even if he agrees with my mother, he can talk to my dad objectively and make my dad feel as if he’s been heard. My stepmother I don’t get along with quite as well, but it’s gotten worse in the past couple years since I moved out. When I was living there it wasn’t too bad.

I was always a really shy child. Never liked to get up in front of people or talk to large groups. That was really my only big problem in high school. I was a model student and haven’t suffered any psychological damage or lasting effect from the divorce. On the contrary, I think it was better…if they hadn’t divorced I probably would have had a really skewed view of what a mariage should be. As it is now, I have two very good examples of mariages and four loving parents who support me and care for me. I have been very good at adjusting to new situations and all that too.

It hasn’t had a detrimental effect on my relationships with men. Actually, I’ve had three long term relationships (out of three relationships period) and am now living with my boyfriend.

Divorce affects different people in different ways. If there had been other children involved, this setup might not have worked simply because they’d have different needs. Also, I think that it’s not so much the divorce that causes the problem as the 1) lack of one parent, 2)negative aspects of the relationship (abuse, alcoholism, controlling behavior on the part of the parents), or 3) negative attitudes of the parents which make the kids feel torn.

I think I lived the best case scenario (thank god!) where there was a divorce, but I got twice the number of attentive loving parents as normal and thrived in a positive environment.

40

Thanks, everyone for sharing your experiences with me. It is interesting to read how divorce has affected each of you in various ways - both your internal feelings and outward actions.

If it makes any sense at all, it actually helps me to know what it is/was like for you to cope with divorce. My family life wasn’t smooth sailing by any means…just a different, difficult situation.
Can’t express what I feel inside, but the whole process is a crime. Family once meant something, once in a galaxy far, far away. And, relationships once meant something, too. As some have mentioned, divorce capitulates this feeling that friends and relationships are meaningless and, at best, nice thoughts. It seems everyone has become so “fair-weathered” today.

So now, nothing seems to mean anything…no matter how much you try to show someone that you just might give a damn about them - but it’s all for naught. And so, both and your significant other end up lonely and miserable. I think it’s a crime…and sadly, I don’t think the chain of events that creates this kind of thinking is easily broken.

  • Jink :frowning: