So my parents are now officially divorced as of this week, I believe. It’s hard, but I really do believe that everyone will be happier and healthier for it. Eventually.
Sigh.
So can somebody please tell me some true anecdotes about how children of divorce really can have happy and healthy relationships and that just because your parents are divorced it won’t scar you for life?
Or if you can’t swing that, just do a song-and-dance to distract me, that could help, too.
How terrible! Don’t stress too much, though, I really do think it’s better to be raised singly by one or the other rather than to live with two people who can’t stand each other.
It’ll be okay. Swear to God. My parents divorced, and I turned out fine. Well, mostly fine.
Um.
:::begins tapdancing:::
:: points to the left ::
Ooh, look, a rainbow!!!
No, really. My parents divorced when I was 14. It was filled with drama at first, but after a few years, when everyone’s tempers calmed down a bit, it got to be okay.
I still feel stress around the holidays when I have to balance seeing all sides of the family, and there can sometimes be guilt & pressure, depending on your family, or depending on if you let it get to you or not.
I don’t think the fact that my parents are divorced means I’m totally fouled up. For honesty’s sake, I must tell you that I am divorced - married only for about a year and a half. But I’m not sure I can blame that on my parents. My youth and stupidity, maybe.
You can emerge a sane person. It of course depends on how brutal the divorce is, and how you choose to deal with it.
:: points to the right ::
Look, a unicorn!
To quote my niece, who’s parents went through a divorce when she was about 10: “I’d rather come from a broken home than live in one.” She and my nephews really blossomed after the divorce. Not having to endure the stresses and strains of living under such tension was the best thing that could have happened to them.
I kind of agree with scout. My parents divorced when I was 8, and it was rough for a long time. They still don’t like to deal with each other in even modest conversation, and occasionally one of them tries to mention problems or dislikes of the other out of the blue, at which point I just tell them I don’t want to hear it.
Holidays were really difficult for many years, because I had to be dragged from one place to the other and miss particular family events and both families would complain they they didn’t get to spend enough time with me, etc.
Now I’m all growd up and have a family of my own. What I do now is whatever the hell I want and they have to put their personal crap aside and deal with it if they expect to see us.
From the flip-side: I vividly recall praying nightly for my parents to divorce. They did eventually, but not until it was entirely too late and I was already out and on my own.
Would I be happily well-adjusted had they made the break much sooner? Not necessarily, but I think the odds would have been significantly better.
In truth, I believe some people should not have children at all.
Omigosh, divorce was the best thing to happen to my family! My parents were much happier living apart, became more open, relaxed people. They saw each other when they wanted to and only then. And my sister and I remained great friends with them.
Happily divorced parents are preferable to unhappily married ones!
I don’t know how old you are, but my parents divorced when I was in college.
That last year of their marriage was a treat, I can tell you. :rolleyes:
Funny, my father and I have gotten much closer since the divorce. He’s been with a wonderful woman for the past 13 years, and they’re very happy living together. My children call her Grandma.
My mother…haven’t seen her in 13 years, haven’t talked to her in more than 10. My choice, and I haven’t regretted it for an instant.
Keep in mind it’s NOT your fault, and don’t get sucked into any games they may play with you as the pawn. Likewise, don’t you play one parent against the other. This is a very difficult thing for all of you. Concentrate on your school and friends, and good luck.
Ugh. Mine just separated. See my pity-party here
I have no idea what Christmas is going to be like this year. 
{{magickly delicious}} I’m sorry that kids have to go through trauma when their parents’ relationships have problems, no matter what the outcome.
Magickly, my parents divorced when I was 14. I found it was a lot easier to deal with each of them when I wasn’t dealing with the two of them dealing with each other. On the other hand, my dad was always trying to get the kids involved in their arguments, and that didn’t work out well.
I would say that most of how it affects you will be decided by how you choose to deal with it - it can really eat you up and destroy you from the inside (that happenned to my sister), or you can let it go as a problem between your two parents, and concentrate on your relationship with each of them.
You have to keep your relationships with each parent separate, and keep them that way, which will be hard. Also, it’s good to find someone you can trust to talk to that isn’t involved in the whole thing.
On the plus side, I’m married and have been for 13 years. Any relationship problems I have had, I can’t really blame on my parents. The easy thing to do in this situation is to end up being exactly like, or exactly the opposite of, how you perceive your parents. The better (but far more difficult, of course) course of action is to pay attention to the good parts and bad parts of their relationship, and pick and choose. That’s a lot harder, because it requires you to consciously think about things that would normally be taken for granted, but it’s more rewarding in the long run.
Best wishes - I know you’re going through a hard time, and there will be times when it’s even harder, but it doesn’t have to define your life if you choose not to let it.
You guys are so cool. Thank you. Gorgon Heap, you’re my hero! I think I’ll borrow your idea, I really really would like to do whatever the hell I want for Thanksgiving next year, and I don’t know why I don’t because I’m technically all growed up, too.
I’m sorry, mlerose, it is hard. My parents separated 3+ years ago, so most of the trauma is over (except for at the holidays, of course). I’ll be over to your thread before long. And welby, you’re cool, but I’ve already been raised, unfortunately. None of this stuff really got going until I started college. Too bad for me, but good for my younger siblings (I think).
And thanks for giving me permission to think about me and my friends, ivylass. I did it before but have been guilted into spending more time with family than is good for my sanity [needless rant deleted].
Thank you, NE Texan, you’re exactly the type of person I was hoping to hear from! I’m attempting to think about what I’m doing relationship-wise (instead of having knee-jerk reactions), but everybody’s got that little guy who perches on their shoulder and whispers “You’re gonna turn out just like your parents.” However, mine adds: “Wait and see. When your marriage hits the 20-year mark, you’ll think everything’s fine and dandy, …then BAM!”
And, well, I’d really like that little guy to go away.
Mine divorced when I was 11, and my mom remarried soon after a few ‘uncles’ (struck me as all very unsavory at the time) and that was a pretty uncool situation. Since you’re a bit older you should be fine. As an adult I’ve sort of shifted my approach-- I decide where I want to go for which holidays (often I just stay at home with freinds-- now I’m married so I have my ‘own’ family so that’s easier to explain, and they all live fairly far away). When I do visit and they start with the “now, your dang mom. . .” thing I actually stick my fingers in my ears and go “LA LA LA LA LA” and they seem to have figured out my point over the last couple of years. I have no idea how they can still be so pissy about each other-- it’s been MANY YEARS, folks!
It’ll never be easy but don’t worry too much about it. Don’t let them use you as a pawn, and make it clear that you have your own life and your relationship with each of them has nothing to do with the other.
My parents have been divorced my whole life (or at least all of it that counts – they split when I was about two) and beleive me, life is easier that way. I’ve got some issues, I grant you, but they’re products of my choices, not my parents’.
My parents got divorced before my first birthday, so I never knew a mother-and-father thing at home.
I did grow up pretty fucked up, but I think that’s mostly because of my mom, and not because of the single parent thing.
You’re right, everyone has those moments - and not just about relationships, either. Everyone deals with it a little differently. What has worked the best for me is to stop, and take the time to have a conversation with the little jerk. Why would I turn out just like them? Did I just do something like them? Am I about to? What am I recognizing about the situation I’m in that I’m comparing to the one I’ve experienced? Once I start asking these questions, I can then muddle through (sometimes) and choose a different course of action - not to be exactly like my parents, or their opposite, but to choose my own course of action. This may work for you.
On the other hand, there is the screaming match my parents had at the end of our wedding, that I didn’t find out about until later… And I haven’t yet been married as long as my parents were before the divorce was finalized. When I hear that voice, though, I only have to compare what my son hears from his parents to what I heard from mine at the same age, and I know I’ve already done far better. Not perfect, perhaps - that’s an unattainable goal, it isn’t given to any of us to be perfect - but better.
and apparently, my experiences have left me unable to spell the word “happening” correctly, to judge by my previous post…
My parents separated when I was 16, and I think the divorce was finalized sometime after I started college.
They made it almost 20 years, and while their divorce has certainly shaped the way I approach relationships, I think they’ve done me a favor. I saw that they fell into a marriage for all the wrong reasons at far too young an age, and I’ve been able to learn from their mistakes. This has made me committment-phobic, but heck, I’m 21; I should be committment-phobic.
For instance, I just ended a very long term and completely stagnant relationship with a person whom I still love dearly. We both need to grow up, and to do that we need to be on our own. I’m absolutely certain that this is the right decision only because of my parents. If it weren’t for them, I might be engaged right now, and I can’t even conceive of how horrible that would be in the end.
So good luck, and it’s all for the best in the long run.
Oooh, and the best part of having divorced parents: for the first year or so after they separated, my dad (my primary caretaker at the time) was so stunned at the sudden responsibility of having kids while still dealing with the divorce that he hardly even noticed what trouble I was getting into. “Yeah Dad, uh, I’ll be, uh, at a sleepover tonight. So, don’t wait up.” Had a lot of fun that year.
My folks divorced but married again about 30 years later.
Side note, games divorced kids play, that you might want to be aware of, so you can decide if you want to play them or not:
a)If the folks aren’t talking to each other, sometimes kids like to play them against each other to get more things for the kid.
b)Some kids try anything to get their folks back together again.