When I was a kid, we used a hatchet and tree stump to behead chickens. I currently own neither and believe I have a chicken what needs killin.
Methods & details appreciated. I’m looking for humane & quick, but am not interested in losing any of my own parts.
I don’t have any experience slaughtering chickens, but based on my engineering judgment, I’d suggest the Craftsman Handi-cut. This is not a pair of scissors: it’s one blade that comes down against a flat, hard plastic anvil. This method will require two people - one to hold the chicken’s body with head outstretched, and the second to position the tool across the bird’s neck and provide a rapid squeeze of the handle. I will guess (and will leave up to your experienced judgment as to whether it’s the case) that chicken neck bones are thin/fragile enough that you’d be able to cut through them in a single motion with this tool lasting just a fraction of a second.
Just step on its head and pull up on the feet until the two separate.
Call your local animal control department. Start with your local police… they should be able to point you in the correct direction.
If for eating, cheap and simple.
Two part supply list-
1 gallon plastic milk jug, emptied
1 razor blade
Cut the bottom of the milk jug out. Enlarge the neck of the milk jug to about 3" diameter.
Find a post/wall to securely affix it to, upside down and about shoulder height.
Snag said chicken, turn upside down and insert into funnel.
Let set 2 to 3 minutes so they’ll quiet down/nod off.
Grasp chicken by head, stretch out taut and slice horizontally across the neck.
Let bleed out ~ 10-15 min.
Scald in hot water and start plucking.
If it’s a grudge thing… I know a poster that knows a fox that handles these sort of problems discretely.
Do you need for it to look like an accident?
Wait for it to attempt to cross the road and then run it down?
Badly mangled wing (probably a fox/racoon/orangutan given the feathery mess in the yard) that looks like it’s starting to fester. And she’s a family pet so…it needs to look like she just didn’t pull through. She’s still very tame and trusting and lets us pet her, but you can’t really pick her up without her making a fuss. This sucks–she’s gonna have to trust me one last time so I can do that cervical dislocation thing. Sweet, treacherous betrayal. Daddy’s drinking tonight.
Have you considered amputation? Giving it a wing and a prayer?
And remember, you were trying to *stop *the chicken, not kill it. Any death is incidental.
Oh, man, that sucks. Sorry to hear that.
Ha! 
Man…you mean I gotta do this in the house near an open window?
We had a cat that got some sort of infected spot on its hindquarters. Dad, being dad, didn’t want to go to a vet, so I got to help with this adventure. He had acquired some sulfa-drugs for use on pets. Mother and I helped hold the cat down securely (using a towel to cover the head), and dad lanced the infected spot with his pocket knife (he did sterilize it), drained the pus (God it was nasty), and then coated the area with sulfa-drugs. Cat recovered nicely, but wasn’t happy with us for a while.
So this chicken is a family pet, have you thought about wing amputation?
You’re looking for plausible deniability on this death? Beheading probably wouldn’t be the best bet. Strangulation or suffocation appear to be the best bets.
Or you could tell them you took her off to a farm in the country, where she will be happy.
And you would be the first person ever for whom “choking the chicken” would not be a euphemism.
In that case, I’ve had luck with the garbage bag attached to the tailpipe method.
I remember once the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers needed to kill a Thanksgiving turkey and settled on an overdose of reds.
Just hold his head and spin him like you would a lariat, very simple.
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Or just bite its head off like a honey badger or an Ozzie.
When I was a kid, back in the 50s, a farmer would come around with a truck full of chickens and eggs. If my mother wanted a chicken, she’d go out to the truck and show the farmer which one she wanted (they were different sizes). I never saw the actual killing, but according to my mother, he would just wring its neck. Then he somehow got rid of the feathers. So what we got was an entire chicken (including the head, feet and innards), minus the feathers. My job, which I loved, was cleaning out the insides, still warm.
I know some people would grab the head and swing it around like a lasso. Not sure if this is really different than simply wringing its neck. I also know that simply beheading it doesn’t necessarily lead to immediate death.