The levels of Hell in Dante’s Inferno are too boring, and out of touch, and serious for me. Yes, there are a lot of sinners who deserve special areas of eternal torment, but then there are those people who are not quite as bad as a pedophile or a murderer or any of the other classic evils. They need their own special areas, in their own special Inferno…Kittenblue’s Inferno.
My first nominees are the people who steal religious items. We have lost so many cross necklaces, religious keychains, and other spiritual items from my store, way out of proportion to their worth or prominence. And the manager of the bookstore upstairs reports that Bibles get stolen quite a lot. There has to be special punishment for these people…I mean, come on! Stealing religious items? Have you not read the Ten Commandments, people?
So, the first level will be for Thieves who target religious items.
You obviously haven’t read Inferno by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle. It depicts entirely appropriate punishments for advertising writers, polluters, eco-freaks, and bureaucrats.
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People who abandon pets. Their Hell will involve cold, and starvation, and loneliness, and many-times-larger-than-they-are moving vehicles, and predators.
Book: *“If you take sexual advantage of her, you’re going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.” *
I second SCL’s hell for pet abandoners, and nominate a special level for People Who Put Ketchup On Hotdogs.
People who lie while testifying under oath in court. They usually get away with it, and the damage to innocent parties and the justice system can be severe.
People who take advantage of the poor and elderly for their own profit.
People who train their dogs to be aggressive towards people or other dogs.
People who would rather steal their neighbor’s newspaper than buy their own.
Anyone with a car stereo or car theft alarm that is loud enough to wake the dead.
And people who complain about people using apostrophes* incorrectly when the person who made the mistake does know how to use them properly even if he occasionally types them incorrectly.
*Dammit! I did it again but at least I caught this one.
Having been the recipient of this, I’ve always imagined those kinds of people must already be in their own personal hell. What else could make a person so bitter and nasty that they have to go around attempting to spread their misery to others? Their lives must be awful.
My nominees:
–Parents who don’t tend to their children while in public. In their hell, they will have to keep a store neat and tidy which is constantly invaded by hordes of screaming, snot-nosed brats who paw the merchandise and throw it around. If they dare to say anything in protest, they will be screamed down by an enraged parent.
–People who loudly yak on cellphones in quiet areas will be given their own yakking shadow in their hell which will follow them wherever they go babbling random inanities at high volume.
Anyone who tries to sneak ingredients into food after someone has told them they don’t eat that or don’t like that. There should be a somewhat worse version of this level for people who do this when someone says they’re allergic to a food. Their hell should involve being forced to eat all kinds of nasty, disgusting things- poo, intestinal parasites, that sort of thing. In the worse version, they should also periodically swell up, be unable to breathe, and suffer other fun allergy symptoms.
People who do any kind of minor nasty thing to others just to assert what little power they have. An example would be someone who deliberately takes extra long getting out of a parking space when they see someone waiting.
People who write computer viruses, worms, spyware, and other malware.
If hell exists, I always assumed their was a special innermost level resrved for the likes of Hitler, Stalin and of course the inventor of the ubiquous Voice answering system Phone Trees.
Please Press 1 for a kick in the butt.
Please Press 2 for flames.
Please press 3 for drops of acid.
etc.
A much lesser level of hell is reserved for spammers, people who own telemarketing companies, Virus writers, spyware writers, etc.
Phelps probably already is homosexual. It might explain the rage. He is really the ultimate self-loathing tool who could not accept who he really is.
I think for David Dukes that Satan can give him a false glimpse of heaven much like what ever he expects heaven to be, but have God be a Black Jewish Woman. Ensure he keeps this memory as he is raked over the fires by his worst nightmares of black stereotypes that he believes in.
