Every so often I get the urge to go through my somewhat meager possessions and purge that which is not needed/being used (I’m a big fan of minimizing the number of possessions I have for some reason). So I start going through my stuff and everything’s going as planned until I come across some rather bizarre items which I’ve somehow managed to acquire. I honestly do not know where they come from although I’m thinking these are probably gifts from friends of mine who’ve gone on vacations. I’d welcome any ideas on what these things actually are as I must admit to being a bit baffled by not only what they are supposed to do, but why someone would actually 1) go through the effort of making said item and 2) why my friends would feel compelled to purchase it for me.
Exhibit A: Strange bowl-like object, found on the end of one of my bookshelves. This is a glass bowl-thing (actually it’s almost a glass sphere) about 6 inches in diameter to which shards of green-and-red glass have been cemented. Now you might be saying “It’s a bowl, you moron, you put stuff in it” to which I’d answer “Yea, but how the hell are you supposed to get anything back out of it?” The hole in the top is MAYBE 2 inches wide so unless I somehow develop prehensile fingers, anything going in this thing is staying there. I thought it might be some sort of candle-holding device (maybe that’s what the green-and-red glass shards are for) but once I put a candle in there I’d risk self-immolation every time I tried to light the damn thing. Then I thought perhaps it was some sort of fiendishly designed piggybank but what sort of Puritanical spendthrift would design one that was covered with glass shards? I guess the idea would be that you can put your money in, hell you can even SEE it (in a sort of distorted red-and-green way), but you can’t GET it without losing a finger. This one is tentatively labelled Self-Immolation Device/Monetary Storage Unit.
Exhibit B: A rock. Yea, that’s right: I have a rock in my house. This isn’t an interesting rock either; in fact it’s quite possible one of the most boring rocks I’ve ever seen. It’s dull gray and about 5 inches long and oval in shape. I vaguely remember one of my friends chattering about geodes awhile back so, in a flash of inspiration, I thought it might be one. Well, after pounding on the damn thing for hours with a hammer (and getting some strange looks from my neighbors), I can 100% verify that it’s not a geode. In fact, now it’s gravel. Anyway, I honestly don’t know why I had this thing. Maybe I was going to use it to shut up that damn yapping chihuahua that lives under me once and for all so this is tentatively labelled Chihuahua Silencing Device (fragmented).
Exhibit C: Plastic thingy, about 2 inches long by .5" wide, looks to be some sort of bizarre representation of a woman’s head and upper torso. This is really wierd–it LOOKS like a woman (long hair albeit in an odd shade of reddish tan and breasts) but it’s one of the most screwed up women I’ve ever seen if so. First, she is wearing some sort of odd mask thingy that only covers her nose and maybe part of her mouth (I say maybe because the ‘art’ isn’t exactly clear here–she might also not have a mouth at all). Secondly, she only has one eye–her left if that makes any difference–but she has eye make-up on BOTH sides of her face
as if she wasn’t ocularly challenged. So the left side of her face is fine but the right is painted in such a way to attract attention to the hideously smooth area between her forehead and cheek. This is really freaking me out, but it get’s better: this thing has a magnet glued to the back which isn’t actually a magnet. It looks like a magnet and feels like a magnet but doesn’t stick to any ferrous material in my apartment. This raises the question of what, exactly, this thing was meant to adhere to. So far I’ve tried wood, plastic, my carpet, skin (my own–I’m getting all dangerous here I know) and that damn chihuahua downstairs with no luck. This thing has a sticker on the non-magnetic magnet informing me it was made in China so I’ve dubbed this the Postmodernist Neo-Maoist Representation of a Woman in plastic on the assumption it’s a piece of modern artwork.
Those are all the strange ones but I had some other goodies in the pile too:
*A can of tennis balls even though I have never, and don’t plan on, ever partaking of said sport. I actually know what these are there for though–I dogsat for a friend of mine who’s mutt was addicted to these things. I mean they were like canine crack for him: I mean he would chase these things for hours without let-up even though I could tell he really didn’t want to after about the first 5 min. or so. Very strange.
*A fully-automated squirt gun (uses 2 D size batteries so you know it’s one powerful weapon) which looks like a plastic orange Uzi. I guess I’m keeping that around in case I ever have a cash flow problem and need to rob some color-blind person.
*An olive-green t-shirt (size Small–if I ever got into this thing it’d have to be surgically removed so I could breath again) which features a burning skull underneath the motto “USA: Live Free or Die”. This raises all sorts of fascinating Constitutional questions but I’m not going to get into that now. I’m thinking I got this when I was in my militant militia phase when I was ten and just plain forgot about it after wearing it once.
*Lastly, a collection of odds and ends: one soccer shinguard (to ensure that at least one shin survives the game unscathed I suppose), about 50 rags which were once perhaps socks, a metal spike (looks to be Army issue–maybe from my TA50?), a bent spoon (?!) and a non-functional electric pencil sharpener. Actually, that last one is going to be my new Chihuahua Silencing Device.
Anyway, any thoughts on what those first three things actually are? I’d really like to know…
