I have been blessed to have fallen in love with a beautiful and very sexy woman.
However, she doesn’t like me telling her that she’s beautiful and sexy. Actually, I think she likes it but then is kind of embarrassed about the compliments. It isn’t just me either, she has been chased most of her life and is still (at the tender age of 31) hit on from time to time, I’ve seen it.
I can put up with her coy nature to a certain extent, but I’d like to be able to tell her specific things that I like about her. Things that I find especially unique and sexy. Body parts and such, hair, tummy, girly bits, etc…
Is it something that would typically squick you out as a female to have your lover give details about various body parts that he finds uniquely sexy on you?
Or would you rather hear that you’re sexy without going into detail? Just a general sexiness.
For the record, I intend to bring up certain body features I find sexy as the situation permits.
But please, I’m interested in what the general female population thinks in regards to this kind of talk.
I’ll offer more input/specifics if needed.
I think the more detail, the better. If you draw attention to a specific feature you love about her, then maybe she will begin to see herself, and that feature, through your eyes. It also couldn’t hurt, particularly if she is accustomed to getting hit on, to compliment her about non-physical things that you find attractive. That might make her more comfortable with your other compliments as well.
I would adore it, but everybody’s different. I got a lot of insight from a book called “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman.
He posits five different ways that people have of expressing love and feeling loved.
They are
Words of Affirmation
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Quality Time
Physical Affection (which goes far beyond sex)
Personally I am a “Words of Affirmation” type of girl. My husband is an “Acts of Service” type of guy. Giving him words of affirmation, admiration, praise seem to leave him perplexed, like “yeah, whatever” but mow the lawn for that man or make him dinner and you can see him glow with the feeling of being treasured.
It is hard for him to summon of words of affirmation. It makes him feel awkward and stupid.
My point being, maybe lots of women would love the kind of admiration you describe. Maybe YOU would love it. But the point is what makes YOUR woman feel loved. You don’t have to accept the above (though would it kill a man to read a relationship book once in awhile?) but it would make sense to figure out what does make her feel loved and then do that, because you want you to know you love her. That would be truly personalizing your expressions of love.
Ha, I’ve actually read the book and listened to the seminar CD’s.
Another good read is Love and Respect, by Emerson E. Eggerichs.
Woman speak the love language and men need to be respected. Follows closely to the Five Love Languages but comes from a different (possibly simpler) angle.
My current love seems to have a balance of several different “languages” and doesn’t respond deeply to any one, that’s why I’m having a little trouble figuring her out when it comes to the topic in the OP.
olivesmarch4th, thanks for the advice too. I’m kind of weird about what I’m attracted to in women. I look for (notice) specific things on women, like the shape of their ears, the curve of their neck, the back of their legs (behind the knee), biceps, chin, nose, eyebrows and tons of other seemingly innocent body parts. Not forgoing the whole package, I like to give lots of attention to the parts that turn me on. I’d like to be able to tell her about those specific items, but she told me she doesn’t want to hear that. Coyly, but she still said it. I have to respect that for now and maybe as time goes on I can verbally work that stuff in.
It makes me feel like an object. Like if I had a mascectomy then I’d be less valued. Like its important to him that I don’t gain five (or twenty) pounds. Like if I suddenly fell into a complete depression and couldn’t work up interest in sex, I’d no longer be worth admiring.
This is about me, not about him - he believes none of these things and intellectually I know this - but this is about how it makes me feel…not about how I think it should make me feel.
Given how “coy” the OP’s partner seems to be, I’m thinking Dangerosa might have some good insight here. Shyer people generally are more self-conscious, and either feel like they have more flaws than the rest of the population, or feel like their assets can be taken away more easily. If she hears compliments about the assets but not the whole, she may fear that she is only a car accident or cancer screening away from losing what interests you.
I would suggest saying something like, “I love this feature, because it looks so great with the rest of you.” Show her that you admire her features, not just because they’re there, but because they’re hers. And make sure she knows that the best part of her is all of her. Make her feel unique and strong.
This is good stuff. I actually try to compliment her with the understanding that I love all of her and not just the feature. I didn’t realize this until you mentioned it, but that’s what I’ve been doing…subconsciously. So I think I’m on the right track here, but more input from you guys is always helpful!
Could it be that she’s heard it all before, and you’re treating her just like every other guy treats her? Could it be that it comes off as ass-kissing? Could it be that you’re complimenting her on her genetics, over which she had zero control?
Just my two cents, but you might go farther if you give those compliments very sparingly, and instead mention things about her character.
I like being told that I’m sexy/beautiful in an overall way, but if my husband ever started to compliment me specifically on my earlobes, chin or the backs of my knees, I’d find that pretty damn weird. It just seems… irrelevant. I guess I’m more used to compliments on more “traditional” things like hair, eyes, boobs, legs, etc.
If shes really that hot then shes been hearing about it all her life and is probably sick of it. Shes probably had to deal with lots of guys who’ve only been interested in her because of her looks and is very tired of the whole thing. She probably isn’t being coy at all and really does hate even hearing about it anymore. Compliment her on something she hasn’t heard non stop since she was 12, don’t EVEN think of talking about the parts that “turn you on”.
I’m sure you have the best of intentions but really you should probably try going a complete opposite direction. All shes gonna hear is “nice tits honey” no matter how thoughtfull you think you are being. Tell her she has a nice smile, tell her you love the way she cooks, tell her she smells great today.
Sorry, not a lady here, but I’ll tell you what worked with my wife (and a couple of girlfriends in college): sincerity.
Say it over lunch at an outdoor cafe. Or at the grocery store. If “honey, I think your earlobes/nose/shoulder blades are beautiful/sexy because of x” is always a precursor to sex, or if you say it too often, I think it loses it’s intended meaning. It becomes less about emotion and more about sex.
I think we’re getting somewhere guys. She’s much more receptive to the overall compliments (general looks, personality, sense of humor) so I think that the specific comments about certain parts might get shelved for now. I do try to be openly complimentary about a wide variety of her qualities and I don’t ever dwell or focus on just one thing (or even a few things). I like to keep it loose and franks while being honest and respectful at the same time.
BTW, I’m not terribly shy - I just am very aware that A) I am a rather attractive women and B) I’m not as attractive as I used to be, nor will I be as attractive as I am now forever. Therefore, compliments over my looks - which I have little control over and which - at 42 - are on the slow downward slope of being “a good looking woman for my age” (I’m not likely to look like Helen Mirren at 62 - I have good genes, not ‘drink the blood of virgins’ genes) leave me wondering if I’m liked for who I am and not what I look like.
The other part of the equation is that sexy compliments are often - well, they are foreplay. And while I don’t mind extended foreplay, I do need to be in the mood for it. Sexy compliments out of the blue are often a “what?! I’m up to my elbows in dishwater, the laundry still needs to get folded and the kids are going to be home in 20 minutes - I don’t care what my ass looks like right now, and you shouldn’t either!”
"You dwell in my mind like a household spirit. All that I think is followed with, ‘I shall tell that thought to Eddi.’ Whatever I see or hear is colored by what I imagine you will say of it. What is amusing is twice so, if you have laughed at it. There is a way you have of turning your heard, quickly and with a little tilt, that seems more wonderful to me than the practiced movements of dancers. All this, taken together I’ve come to think of as love . . . "
Make it real, make it specific. Don’t make it about parts or pieces. Make it about her.
Interesting…my mom just told me recently that my father gives gifts to show his love for people, and I realize I do the same thing. It’s hard for me to say I love people but I love being able to give a gift and have them enjoy it.
I don’t know, this kind of thing is different for most women. I, for example, am very uncomfortable about receiving looks/physical-based compliments for anything beyond “You look nice”, mostly because I am generally convinced that the compliment giver doesn’t actually mean it and is trying to butter me up for some reason.
I deal with personality/intelligence/skills-based compliments much better, probably because I am more likely to believe I actually deserve them.