Lament of the nice guy.

I have the nice guy problem.

There are plenty of women happy to be friends with me, and almost none willing to sleep with me. It’s not something I blame them for; it’s who I am. It seems I’m the kind of guy who gets along great with the opposite sex, yet gives off intense signals of “Don’t even think of having sex with me.” Even my wife finds me more useful than attractive.

Yes, I am married. This may seem odd, given what I’ve just said before, but my wife is a woman with very odd tastes in men, and out circumstances were unusual. She first started sleeping with me because she’s one of those few woman who likes the nice guys. We got married because we worked well together as a couple, and it made good financial and legal sense for us to be married once we were living together. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my wife and never want to leave her. But our relationship now tends a lot more towards roomates than lovers. She’s always made it clear to me that she’s with me because I’m nice, and useful, can hold down a steady job, and we work well together – not because she thinks I’m sexy or even terribly attractive. We have sex maybe once a month, and even then it’s more of a routine quickie than a night of passion. Now, this is partly normal for a married couple who have been together for a while, and partly understandable as my wife’s CFS as related health and immune problems really don’t put her in the mood much. But I have to admit to myself that it bothers me on some level that I’ve only ever had sex with one woman, and that these days it’s sparse and unremarkable.

Now my wife and I do have an arrangement that you’d think could help me – an open marriage. She and I have not pledged to be sexually exclusive to each other, and are permitted to have lovers outside the marriage provided everything is open and honest and proper precautions are taken to ensure nobody gets hurt. This in theory should help me, but I’ll still stuck with the same basic shortcomings that led to me never being with any other woman before my wife in the first place. Being married, and honest, I can’t offer anything more than friendship and casual sex. And I’m simply not the kind of man who women look at and desire casual sex with. While I keep in shape and practice good grooming and hygiene, and am not gross or horrible to look at, I simply can’t avoid coming across as nerdy and harmless. And while there are women out there who are interested in the nice guys, they’re looking for someone to have for themselves in a long-term relationship and will pass me by. So I’m left with good female friends who enjoy my company and like me as a friend, and who would never in a million years have sex with me (even those who are single, and who know that I’m interested in them). Not that I can really blame them, and not that I want to do anything to drive people who I actually do value as friends away.

It doesn’t help that my main social outlet these days is gaming conventions. On the one hand, there are surprising number of good-looking, interesting, intelligent women at these conventions these days. On the other hand, I’m terribly awkward with women, clueless as to how to even proceed, not actually looking for sex with complete strangers, and still putting off “Nice guy to be friends with” vibes. I also get depressed when I’m around people who are more popular and socially successful than I, which even at the conventions includes a lot of people.

I probably should not be complaining. I have a wonderful wife who loves me, and yet who doesn’t mind me spending time away from home with my friends, or even with other women, and who is quite undemanding. I have a stable home life and good friends to hang out with. I get sex, every now and then. But it still feels like a kick in the nuts every time it’s made clear to me that, while women might love to have me around as a friend, it’s a very rare woman who won’t choose to sleep with the good-looking asshole rather than me. I understand why it happens, but it still hurts, and always strikes me as being fundamentally unfair. I’m a doormat, and am unwilling and/or unable to become something I’m not for the purposes of getting sex.

There’s not much point asking for suggestions. I know the only real answer is to accept my situation and learn to live with it. But I can’t help getting my hopes up from time to time, only to end up disappointed and depressed for a months. My wife thinks I’m a weirdo, but puts up with me.

OK, without going into all the old arguments about how *some * women desire bad men, and some don’t:

If you are looking for pure sexual encounters, then no, the “nice guy” vibe doesn’t cut it. If I’m on the market looking for just sex, I’d want someone I was pretty sure would rock my world in bed. And while nice guys often have hidden depths, often they don’t as well and you end up with a boring sexual experience.

This, however:

gets my blood boiling. No it isn’t! People say this crap all the time but I *know * you can keep the passion alive. It takes work like everything else. I know it for a fact, though.

First off, I don’t know your wife but you’d better make DAMN sure she not bluffing you when she says “Sure, it’s okay to go get you some on the side.” She proly only said that because she thinks you wont be able to pull it off.

Other than that I’d say log on to adult friend finder .com and be sure to mention that your married in your profile and that your not looking for any attatchments. also provide a pic. (The whole being married bit attracts alot of women so that works in your favor. not sure why.)
Then there’s always strip clubs and whore houses. [shrugs]

It’s hard to believe that you’ve been here since 2001 and haven’t encountered one of these threads:
In which I pit Nice Guys
Can we filter out all the ‘nice guy’ posts?
Why don’t women go for nice guys?
Nice guys finish last
Nice Guys
Nice guys never get the girl…
So, why scumbags? Seriously, why?

Not another one of these threads! :frowning:

There’s a lot threads on this board with the same topic, deal with it. Don’t respond if you don’t wish to participate. :wally 's

I used to argue with these guys, but finally I got sick of having to convince them that no, girls do NOT reject nice guys, and like only assholes. They reject NiceGuys[sub]TM[/sub].

Be an arrogant prick.

Treat her like a slave.

Ignore her.

Knock her down and fuck her.

If none of the above works, find someone on whom it does work.

And – I’ve just noticed this – they all use the exact same phrase, “nice guy,” to describe themselves. Even my friends in RL who are like that do it. Talk about a warning signal.

Women, like men, want someone who’ll do something for them. If you come off as someone who’s angry and resentfull that other guys are getting all the girls, what would motivate a woman to be with you. Pity? I don’t think you would even want that.

Ask not what women can do for you, ask what you can do for women. Can you make her feel good; laugh; have multiple orgasms?

Be assertive, but not whiny. I fear you may be giving off vibes of desperation, which is the least sexy thing on the planet.

And, not to be judemental, but is that open marriage really working for you. It doesn’t sound like it.

I came here to say pretty much the same thing. Instead, I have a crush on Larry Borgia. :wink:

Seriously, though, don’t pigeon-hole yourself. If you believe it, you’ll be it. There’s nothing in the world wrong with nice guys, but there is something rather libido-dropping about sob “I’m one of those NiceGuys! Women just want to be my friend!” Stop fretting over other people’s conquests (because in the end, that’s all it is… “huh? Why is she going with him? He’s a shiny asshole! What about me?”) Let go of that pettiness.

People tend to “feel out” potential partners (for however long-term or short term the partnership may be), and the signals you’re giving out are that you are not ready.

Usually it’s because women tell them they’re “nice guys.” So naturally they end up thinking “but all my female friends tell me what a nice guy I am!”

If anything it’s as much the rejecter’s fault for tagging him with the “nice guy” label as it is the guy’s for using it from that point forward.

I second what SHAKES wrote. There’s a disconnect between planning and reality that can get ugly.

If this were a movie, we’d take you off and give you a make-over, then teach you to be suave, with a touch of the bad boy you seem sure women want. So go do that. Get the hair-cut, facial and manicure, work out and get muscley, buy the clothes, lease or borrow the sports car, study the men you want to be. From what I’ve seen, romance novels are full of that alpha male crap women are supposed to just eat up, so get yourself a bunch of them and get the attitude and the moves down. Of course, this being a movie, you’d be successful only to realize the sweet friend you took for granted is who you really should have been with all along. So just power off the dvd player of life before you get to the sappy crap. Rinse, repeat until satisfied.

What have my horny nice-guy seeming friends done? They get presentable and then go someplace lively and keep chatting up women until one finally says yes. They aren’t terribly picky and know where they rate appearance-wise and don’t reach too far out of their zone. They get shot down a lot, but maybe not as much as you think. Perseverence pays because the Closing Time Effect is real and sometimes they’re not too proud. Caveat emptor; one thing I’ve noticed-- there is no guarantee of a particularily pretty ending even when you get some. Enjoy. Or not.

Oh yeah, they probably shouldn’t say that.

A lot of these guys see “nice” as either just not being an asshole, or being a complete doormat who you can walk all over.

That and it seems like they only view girls as trophies to be won, they’re only being nice because they want to get laid. Women are bitches who don’t deserve them.

And exactly how is that any different from the confident outgoing guys who play up their qualities so that you can become another notch on their bedpost?

Anaamika was bitching earlier about how when she’s only looking for sex that she doesn’t want the wimpy shy guy. She wants the guy who will “rock her world.” So why should a woman with that attitude towards sex get upset if a guy is only being nice (or a dick) because he just wants to get laid?

I fell into that ‘nice guy’ trap in my younger years, and try as I might have, it got me no where in a big damn hurry. First things first, that kind of arrangement you’re in is a runaway train headed for heartacheville. Put the brakes on that right now. Sex is a part of marriage, don’t stay married to a woman that doesn’t think so.

Second. Reach down into your bugle boys, and find your nuts. It’s as true today as when Al Pacino said it 25 years ago, all you’ve got in this world, is your balls, and your word. Keep both in good shape. Women don’t respond to namby-pamby nice guys who give off the ‘please have sex with me’ vibe. Women you want to spend time with also don’t respond to the ‘i am man, i am superior’ vibe either. Most importantly though, if you don’t yet know what you believe in, or you’re confused, or simply unsure, don’t let on.

Live like the duck, a smooth, calm visage on top, paddling like hell underneath. You’ll find that soon enough, what you’re looking for will find you, the second you stop looking for it.

And if you turn out to just be a ‘nice guy’ after all, do it with some panache. Get a new hairstyle, buy yourself some fresh clothes, and if you’re not already, become well read.

Above all man, make sure your sense of humor remains. Most women are powerless against a rapier wit and a sly smile. A good sense of humor means you’re smart, and women, despite what you may have been told, dig smart guys. A lot.

of course, this is all my opinion, and i’m not responsible for what you do with it

Well, that made my day. Thanks!!

:cool: :cool: :cool:

Uh, has anybody took the time to actually read the OP? He’s not looking for advice on how to be more like the bad boy. (wheather it be by choice or that he can’t) He already said he accepts who he is. He’s just looking for advice on HOW TO GET LAID BEING THE PERSON THAT HE IS.


And as usual, quite a few people are telling him he can’t.

Honestly, folks, these Nice Guy/NiceGuy™ threads always follow exactly the same script. They’re as predictable as the mating dance of the yellow-bellied sapsucker. About 20% post positive, constructive advice. This promptly gets lost among all the bitching, floundering despair, and stark nut-cutting gender politics (life wisdom from Al Pacino?! Og save us).

Can’t we all just save a step and say: Hey fellas, women are going to let you down now and then. But by no means all of them. And it only takes one. At a time, anyway. (YMMV even there, obviously, per the OP.)

And by all means be yourself. It saves loads of trouble later on.

While I agree with the “don’t respond if you don’t want to participate” sentiment, please don’t insult other posters outside of the Pit. You were dandy up until the putz smiley face.