I have the nice guy problem.
There are plenty of women happy to be friends with me, and almost none willing to sleep with me. It’s not something I blame them for; it’s who I am. It seems I’m the kind of guy who gets along great with the opposite sex, yet gives off intense signals of “Don’t even think of having sex with me.” Even my wife finds me more useful than attractive.
Yes, I am married. This may seem odd, given what I’ve just said before, but my wife is a woman with very odd tastes in men, and out circumstances were unusual. She first started sleeping with me because she’s one of those few woman who likes the nice guys. We got married because we worked well together as a couple, and it made good financial and legal sense for us to be married once we were living together. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my wife and never want to leave her. But our relationship now tends a lot more towards roomates than lovers. She’s always made it clear to me that she’s with me because I’m nice, and useful, can hold down a steady job, and we work well together – not because she thinks I’m sexy or even terribly attractive. We have sex maybe once a month, and even then it’s more of a routine quickie than a night of passion. Now, this is partly normal for a married couple who have been together for a while, and partly understandable as my wife’s CFS as related health and immune problems really don’t put her in the mood much. But I have to admit to myself that it bothers me on some level that I’ve only ever had sex with one woman, and that these days it’s sparse and unremarkable.
Now my wife and I do have an arrangement that you’d think could help me – an open marriage. She and I have not pledged to be sexually exclusive to each other, and are permitted to have lovers outside the marriage provided everything is open and honest and proper precautions are taken to ensure nobody gets hurt. This in theory should help me, but I’ll still stuck with the same basic shortcomings that led to me never being with any other woman before my wife in the first place. Being married, and honest, I can’t offer anything more than friendship and casual sex. And I’m simply not the kind of man who women look at and desire casual sex with. While I keep in shape and practice good grooming and hygiene, and am not gross or horrible to look at, I simply can’t avoid coming across as nerdy and harmless. And while there are women out there who are interested in the nice guys, they’re looking for someone to have for themselves in a long-term relationship and will pass me by. So I’m left with good female friends who enjoy my company and like me as a friend, and who would never in a million years have sex with me (even those who are single, and who know that I’m interested in them). Not that I can really blame them, and not that I want to do anything to drive people who I actually do value as friends away.
It doesn’t help that my main social outlet these days is gaming conventions. On the one hand, there are surprising number of good-looking, interesting, intelligent women at these conventions these days. On the other hand, I’m terribly awkward with women, clueless as to how to even proceed, not actually looking for sex with complete strangers, and still putting off “Nice guy to be friends with” vibes. I also get depressed when I’m around people who are more popular and socially successful than I, which even at the conventions includes a lot of people.
I probably should not be complaining. I have a wonderful wife who loves me, and yet who doesn’t mind me spending time away from home with my friends, or even with other women, and who is quite undemanding. I have a stable home life and good friends to hang out with. I get sex, every now and then. But it still feels like a kick in the nuts every time it’s made clear to me that, while women might love to have me around as a friend, it’s a very rare woman who won’t choose to sleep with the good-looking asshole rather than me. I understand why it happens, but it still hurts, and always strikes me as being fundamentally unfair. I’m a doormat, and am unwilling and/or unable to become something I’m not for the purposes of getting sex.
There’s not much point asking for suggestions. I know the only real answer is to accept my situation and learn to live with it. But I can’t help getting my hopes up from time to time, only to end up disappointed and depressed for a months. My wife thinks I’m a weirdo, but puts up with me.
