Lament of the nice guy.

I absolutely love this line.

Even that’s a little dire. “Never let 'em see you sweat. But SWEAT.”

I probably should not have posted this thread. I was feeling very depressed and self-centered at the time. My problem isn’t being a nice guy; it’s being a guy who’s actually quite screwed up and insecure. Sorry about the self-centered whining in the OP.

AndrewL, I feel for you. To be frank, your wife sounds like a self-centered, uh, person. “Oh, I’ve got this workaday man for, you know, cash flow and puttering around the house–sex in a pinch, that kind of thing. But of course I can get a real man for la-di-da when I need it. Open marrige, you see. Hubs may avail himself of the same, but–hee hee hee! Oh, it works well for us.”

Don’t put up with it!

Here’s the key: Think about what you want; decide what you want; go get what you want. (Caveat: All within the bounds of proper ethics. I don’t mean pussified, “Will I hoit someone’s feewings?” kind of ethics. I mean, don’t steal, kill, etc.)

The world of love and sex is a marketplace. You say your stock price is low. Improve ROA (return on assholery) and P/E (Penis to Eros) ratio, and see if things don’t improve. Get the look of dominance in your eye. Stop taking shit.

Time to grab to grab some tail, my friend, and show the “wife” what OPEN is all about. Here’s a manly punch in the shoulder and pack of cons to send you on your way. Vaya con Diablo!

Andrew, please don’t take this the wrong way, but have you thought about therapy? I know talk therapy gets a bad rap around here sometimes, but it can be helpful in modifying certain behaviours you don’t like. I’m not completely sure about this but I believe there are courses of therapy focused on behaviour modification rather than on traditional analysis.

Also, my comment on the open marriage above may have come accross as snarky so let me explain myself. You seem more like a relationship person rather than a one-night-stand person. I can’t see how you can build a successful relationship with another woman while you are already married, open marriage or not.

Finally I stand by my other comments. If you want to get a woman in bed, you have to bring something to the table other than self-loathing. You don’t have to be a tatooed Harley-riding “bad boy,” and it’s silly to try to be something you’re not in any case. But you do have to bring something that’s going to make a woman be attracted to you: Humor, charm, compassion, something. I’ve known alot of guys who weren’t “bad boys” but who got more lovin’ than they knew what to do with.

One piece of advice that may sound ridiculous–it even sounds so to me but I offer it in all seriousness: Try watching some Romantic comedies, particularly ones with Hugh Grant or John Cusak. Both these actors have made quite a living and attracted a lot of women playing characters who were charming in their insecurity. You can turn your insecurity into a strength with a little self-deprecatory humor and self-awareness. Just remember, again, to think about the woman and not just yourself. Even the most self absorbed seducer puts effort into trying to make the woman feel special.

This whole paragraph bothers me. Your wife is odd. She’s your roommate. She’s got health problems? You don’t sound very wrapped up in her, either. In fact you sound kinda blah about her, so I can’t really blame her for returning the feeling.

I also laugh when I hear the " normal for a married couple who have been together for a while" and women prefer “assholes” lines. My husband is a nice guy, and we’ve been married a while. Despite all our projects, distractions, children, and work, we maintain a high level of romance and fun in our marriage. It takes work, and both partners have to work at it. Love is as much a behavior, as it is a feeling.

I was ready to give yo a flip answer but you have some serious issues. Your marriage sounds like a situation I would not wish on an enemy. I think you will always be a “nice guy” in the pejorative sense of the phrase as long as you have such a poor self image. Your goal should to be a man, not an asshole.

I would be of the opinion that being insecure in an “open marriage” would cause all kinds of problems.
Firstly, was your marriage always open? Who intiatied the open marriage? Is your wife seeing someone else or has she been seeing someone else? You say that she has a low sex drive because of health related problems. That is confusing to me. It’s been my general experience that a low sex drive means someone really isn’t all that interested in sex period. If she is only not interested in sex with you, that’s a different problem entirely.

I also imagine it’s not always easy to convince someone that it’s ok with your wife if you have casual sex with someone else. You don’t sound like the type of guy who runs around seeking out as much booty as he can find - is that even something you are really interested in? You mentioned that she’s the only person you’ve ever been with. Is that the bigger part of your problem? Are you afraid you are missing out on something?

It sounds like your marriage is very convenient - for both of you - but not satisfying for either of you. I’m certainly not suggesting that you should leave her but it’s always been my experience that the best relationships are the ones where the people involved are “smitten” with one another, the relationships where there is a passionate spark. I don’t see a spark here. If that’s something neither of you want, that’s fine. If it is something one of you wants, there’s something wrong with your relationship, in my opinion.

I may be wrong, but from the OP, I got the impression that it was she who was blah about him, and he’s just returning the feeling.

I am in therapy, about once every six weeks. I’m not sure if my current therapist is helping much, however. I had one previously who I got along better with, but the office closed down and I had to switch to a different one.

I really don’t know what I want. Finding out is part of my problem. I’ve really never been in a relationship with anyone other than my wife, before or after I married her. She’s not seeing anyone else either now, and hasn’t been with anyone else in years.

At this point, I think it’s probably best if the mods close the thread. I appreciate the advice, but right now this is something I’d rather not talk about. I’ve got to think about what I’m looking for and what my problems are.

Thread closed at the request of the OP.