What are the most groans-worthy remarks you have heard or have said?
Recently, while eating out with a hardcore Matrix fan at a resturant, we discoverd that our table lacked the usual eating utensils.
So he asked me, “Where is the spoon?”
My reply: There is no soon
*spoon. I meant spoon…
I work at a videogame publisher, so our workplace is awash in game jokes, Simpsons references, etc. So for a bad joke to get extra attention, it has to be really bad.
We were playing Smash Bros. (an ensemble fighting game) during break when news of the lineup for the newest game in the franchise was announced, so we were talking about it.
Person A: Phoenix Wright should be in the next one. (PW is a character in a game about a being a lawyer)
Person B: What moves would he have?
Me: He’d have powers of attorney, of course!
No one laughs at my jokes. All I get are sullen stares and groans. 
Mr. Carlyjay and I have decided that Grade Three was the best time for insults. As such, we’ve adopted those insults as our personal best. Example:
Mr. Carlyjay: The toilet’s busted again.
Me: YOU’RE busted again. (followed by many a victorious pump of the arm, and:) "Yessssssssss! Good one, Carlyjay! GOOD ONE!
A lawyer friend of mine told me about some get-together of judges where they played sports.
“Oh?” asked, “Who gets to throw out the first case of the season?”
Rolleyes.
I’ve got a “lamest” one which I’m still deeply embarrassed about.
Picture the scene. Bruce Campbell, coming to town. I buy his book, If Chins Could Kill, and get in the line. I am the only female there, at least at that time. I chatter my head off all the way up. And then we get to him. And for some reason, I go completely blank and can’t think of a damn thing to say to him. I don’t want to go all adoring on him, or anything like that. He is trying to make small talk, and says, “So, what’s fun to do in Albany?”
And I say, “Nothing”. Nothing! So basically we all just sit around and stare at the walls, Mr. Campbell. We are SO bored we are reduced to reading your book and watching your movies. My SO has never let me live that moment down. Aargh. :smack:
There, I’ve finally 'fessed it up to a public audience. Maybe the shame will finally go away.
Once at my internship, my bosses (there were many) and I were driving to another town to a meeting. As we passed a field newly-filled with junked cars, my top boss wondered why all the cars were there.
My response? “They’re raising a bumper crop.”
I almost had to walk the rest of the way.
The last week of a summer job…seven days before freshman year in college. I’m parking cars (granted, very expensive cars). There’s no chance of me ever working there again, as company ‘X’ has just lost its contract.
Bigshot Palooka pulls up in a brang new Jaguar convertable. (I think the license plate was personalized as ‘Palooka’) Palooka walks up to me and says, “Hey Kid…! Youse park this car so it don’t get moved again. Capiche?”
I looked him straight in the eye and said, “Ever…?”
Barnes & Noble in NYC: Anne Rice is signing the 4th book of her Vampire series. I spend Hours on line. I get to her desk and i ask her to autograp it to my full name. (Its a very destinctive name) She asks if I was named for anybody. I say yes, I’m named for a grandfather who was the first psychiatrist in state XX.
“…But don’t worry, Ms. Rice…There are plenty of crazy people left.”
Words can’t describe her facial expression response.
I was working at an upscale deli. On the way to work, I saw the owner’s boyfriend out jogging, which was kind of an amusing sight in itself. When I got in, I commented on it to my manager, who was rather shrewish. “Don’t be ridiculous!” she snapped. “Jack doesn’t jog!”
I lost my temper. “Ok, fine. So maybe he was being chased by someone who was a very very very great distance away from him!”
She stood stock still, with a frozen look of disbelief on her face. Fortunately, she started cracking up seconds later.
I didn’t make it myself… but I’m still chuckling about this one, I didn’t make it but it was on a thread on the board about a week ago. The OP stated that he used coffee grounds to absorb the odor of some dog vomit on the rug, then he was (jokingly) going to repackage it and give it to his evil boss.
The first post right out the box: “Careful… that could be grounds for termination.”
Me: You should pick me at work. And bring hamburgers.
Husband: No! If we eat hamburgers, we will buy them together. No one wants to see a fat man waddle through the drive-through and buy 10 cheeseburgers.
Me: Who said anything about ten? I only want one.
Husband: Well, we better buy eleven then.
:rolleyes:
When I worked for my home state’s arts council, we had two meetings a year in which the big-wig arts commission members made decisions on grant applications. These meetings were usually rather serious affairs, during which the staff members were supposed to sit quietly in the back of the room and be available to answer questions.
One of the applications was for a performance by a Cajun fiddler. One of the commission members asked, “What’s the difference between a Cajun fiddle and any other kind of fiddle?”
I piped up from the back: “The difference is that you play a Cajun fiddle with a gumbo.”
You should think about kicking it up a notch next time to “Yer MAMA’s busted again.”. That would fix his wagon.
I didn’t say this one, but partially because I was beaten to it.
In my first year of university we studied a couple Greek tragedies, one of them being Oedipus the King (aka Oedipus Rex). However, our teacher pointed out that another name for it was Oedipus the Tyrant (Oedipus Tyranus).
Classmate: So he’s a tyranus or a rex.
I just snort-laughed, and there are clients here waiting for their lawyer. Good one! 
When I worked at Burger King as a manager one of the employees needed her husband to bring her another pair of shoes as the ones she was wearing were hurting her feet. It was early morning and he said he’d drop them off on his way to work. Being in a hurry, he came through the drive-through. As there were no cars, he just pulled up to the window and dropped off her shoes and kept going. Without missing a beat, I said, “Now that’s that I call a drive-by shoeing!” She was having a bad day, so this helped to give her a laugh and make her day better.
BraheSilver don’t fret. I laughed really hard at that one.
This one’s from a D&D game, and I may have posted it before:
So the intepid party was hunting down an evil necromancer (for those unfamiliar: a wizard who specializes in creating undead monsters like skeletons), and had broken into his lair. We come across his sleeping quarters, and (like all good adventurers) are sifting through it to find anything of value that’s not nailed down (and we have a crowbar for anything that is nailed down).
Me (playing the party rogue): I search under the bed.
Friend1: What do you expect to find? His porn stash?
Friend2: Ewww, what kind of porn would a necromancer have?
Me: Duh, “Ghouls gone Wild”.
The GM had to call a short break to get us re-focused. Granted, it was near the end of a long session and we were at that “punchy, laugh at anything” stage…
I think any pun based on Dungeons & Dragons automatically counts as “lame”.
There was a church in my county that was converted into an upscale steak house. (It has subsquently been turned back into a church. I guess we know now where the real money is.) When the case came across my coworkers desk, I said that as a planner I was against it. When he asked why, I said it violated the separation of church and steak.
I said it in the other thread and I’ll say it again: you guys seem like the funnest couple of goofballs.
In elementary school the teacher showed a picture of a cell and honest to Pete it looked like the banana chips I had been eating. The class didn’t find my comment to that effect at all amusing. Like Anaamika, I am still embarrassed by the memory!