Last night me and my bf, and my best friend and her bf, who is also my bf’s best friend went on a double date, as we do often. All of us are really good friends too. My friend was driving and I was lying on my bf in the backseat. Earlier that night was fine, I had been all happy and feeling good and stuff. But in her car, everything went wrong for me. My mood crashed really badly, and my friends noticed, since they are used to my moods and my SI and all that good stuff. and I announced out of nowhere that I needed sharps, and then I went all hysterical. My bf took out his pockeknife to move it, but I grabbed it before he could get it away from it, and try to open it.
All hell breaks loose. My friend pulls into a parking lot and parks ,as Im still hysterical. Our bfs get out of the car, and she goes and locks the child locks on the backseat and gets back in there with me, and she pulls the blade away from me and I was just hysterical and she couldnt figure out why I was upset and neither was I and I just started saying I need sharps over and over again, and she got closer to me and I tried to open the doors but they wouldn’t open. She asks me what I want, and I told her I needed a DJ hug, so she gets her bf/my best guy friend into the backseat and stands outside with my bf. I cry into him for 5 or so minutes.
Then she and my bf get in the drivers and passenger seats. I start trying to punch my knees and stuff, my guy friend with me holds my arms, and then I start trying to kick my legs, and then my bf gets in the back and holds those down. I just keep on repeating that I should be gone or something to that extent. All my friends start telling me how much good I’ve done in their life and that they won’t let me leave cuz they love me so much. I scream “If y’all are better, then why do I keep getting more f-ked up!” I cry some more, and then I start to calm down. My friend begins to drive back toward her bf house. Once at his driveway, we all get out and she and her bf walk down the street and my bf and I sit in the driveway. I just felt so horrible, since I bothered all of them with stuff I know they don’t want to hear.
My friend ended sleeping at my house last night and she kept me up late since she knew that I’d be unable to cut if I was half asleep.
I scared the shit out of me last night. My friends actually had to tell me what I had said and what I did since I didn’t really remember anything. The frightening thing is that this came with NO warning, so I don’t know what to do with myself.
I’m sorry for rambling and I hope that I don’t frigthen anyone or cause too much concern. I’m sorry if some of the details are fuzzy, but my friends had to tell me what I did since I wasnt overly coherent during that time.
Just reading that made me really curl up at the edges, I really do not like pointy sharp things at all.
Now that is one hard time you are having right now, I hope that you can slowly work your way through it.
There are some others on the board with similar issues and I’d guess that one will be along soon enough to talk with, meantime you really need this,
{{{{{{b]DigitalMuse**}}}}}
I have recurring dreams like that where I’ll wake up and run around the house and act all crazy and then i’ll either calm myself down and go to sleep, or go to my room and cry my eyes out until I go to sleep from the panic attack. either way, I never remember it in the morning. I’m always “looking for something, and if you can’t find it you are in certain peril, or so you said between gasps” my sister said. This is the closest ot an accurate report.
P.S. these panic-attack dreams occur during the calmest parts of my life.
Ad Noctum, who freaks himself out even when he’s sleeping.
Aww Lauren. I’m really sorry your night didn’t realy work out well. If it makes you feel any better, mine sucked too. You know we all love you and the only reason that everyone freaks out is because they care. See with me, no one worries because I don’t make it a big deal, but it’s really because they don’t care as much. I hope all of us will get better someday though.
I’m sorry to hear that your night was like that but it shows you that you have friends that care. Your guy friend sound like he is a great friend. You can always use him to talk to him or your best friend. There are people all around you that care!
Lauren, I love you as a friend and care about you soooo much. It scares me sometimes to hear that you’re unhappy and your mother certainly isn’t helping. At least your father is trying to balance the scales for ya. I hope you feel better soon.
DigitalMuse, I’m sorry to hear about your rough time. I know what it’s like to not understand why you do what you do and think what you think. You obviously have awesome friends…something not a lot of people can say. Hold on to them, because the people you meet in this lifetime who truly care about the real you come few and far between.
DigitalMuse, I know nothing at all about you personally and I don’t know a whole lot about cutting, but I do know something about depression, and it sounds like it’s time for you to take some action. If you’re not seeing a mental health professional (or if the one you’re seeing isn’t helping), now sounds like a good time to find one. I’m no doctor, but the way this feeling came out of the blue like that suggests a chemical imbalance might be involved, and that can often be treated.
Good luck, and I’m glad you’ve got the friends you do.
I am seeing a doctor and its kinda helping I guess, I don’t know, I seem to bounce from end of the scale to the next between every appt. I also don’t have a high medication tolerance, so I don’t want to get sick from them, and our insurance most likely pay for them and they are extremely expensive. To get meds, I’d have to go to a psychiartrist, which are even more money than the psychologist I see now. I don;t want to be a major finacial burden on them.
I was in a really good mood last night, and my dad got mad at me because he says I start 80 differents things at once, and that I don’t finish half of them or that it takes me forever to do. Oh well.
All the rest of y’all,
Thanks for the kind words, that night is still fuzzy in my mind and it scared me more than anything else in my life.
::
{{{{{{lauren}}}}}}}}
we do love you and i’m glad you didn’t do anything stupid by choice or not i’m still glad nothing happened
love ya
-CP (a friend forever i hope all is well remember we’re all ther for you)
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