Laugh at Death

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

More warped than mine apparently. However, I can remember once being fond of the “frog in a blender” genre, so maybe it’s just a matter of getting old. Ah, to be young and sadisitic again!

Oh, well, I can still be old and morbid!
The church was filled with friends and family members all gathered to pay their last respects to the late Mr. Henderson. Unfortunately, while carrying the coffin to the front of the church, one of the pallbearers stumbled, causing another to veer into a pillar and lose his hold on the coffin. The coffin overturned spilling the corpse to the ground. The Widow Henderson shrieked in horror as Mr. Henderson rolled across the floor and smacked his head against a pew. But then … miracle of miracles … he sat up rubbing his head and asking what all the fuss was about. The doctors were never able to satisfactorially explain what happened, but Mr. Henderson lived another ten years after that day. Finally, he did die, and as the pallbearers were again carrying his coffin through the church, one stumbled. The Widow Henderson shrieked in horror, “Watch out for the pillar!”

22

Max Cohen is dying. “Sadie,” he gasps, “get me a priest.”
“Max, you’re delirious! You mean a rabbi.”
“No, I mean a priest. I want to convert – better one of them should die than one of us.”

Old man Frye is dead. After the service at the funeral parlor he is being conveyed to the cemetary at the top of Rose Hill when one of his pall bearers stumbles causing them to drop the casket, which proceeds to slide down the hill. Gaining speed as it continues down, the casket slides across Maple Avenue and into the pharmacy across the street. The casket lips flies open, Old man Frye pops out and says to the pharmacist “You got anything to stop this coffin?”

(Say it out loud.)

–Cliffy

23

Gramps had been feeling really bad for a long time. Nothing she could do seemed to make him feel any better, so Gramma loaded him in the car and drove him to the doctor.

The doctor did a very thorough physical and ran a huge battery of tests on Gramps. Then he asked to speak to Gramma alone.

“Your husband is very ill. There is not really anything that I can do because he seems to have lost his will to live. If we can restore that I might have a chance to cure him. You need to take him home and have lots of sex. Day and night; anytime you can tempt him. Then bring him back when he is feeling better and I can treat him.”

Gramma loaded Gramps back into the car and they headed home. Gramps finally got curious and asked, “So what did the doctor have to say?”

Gramma decided it was time to be forthwith about what the doctor had told her, so she pulled the car over to the side of the road, took Gramps hand in hers and said:

“He said you were gonna die.”

24

If Marilyn Monroe were alive right now, what would she be doing?
…
Clawing at the lid of her coffin.

(From the book Fight Club)

25

The epitaph on a hypochondriac’s gravestone: “See, I told you I was sick.”

Three friends were speculating about what they would like the preacher to say for their eulogy. The first guy said “I would like the preacher to say I made a lot of money and gave generously to charity.” The second guy said “I would like the preacher to say that I loved my wife and children and did as much as I could for them.” The third one said “I would like the preacher to say ‘LOOK, HE’S ALIVE!’”

26

I enjoy dead babie jokes, as well as most offensive jokes, and I even laugh at the misfortune of others from time to time. In the past, some members have said you’d have to be a sick loser, a pathetic deviant unfit to live, and a pile of garbage to laugh at such things. I’m not quite sure what to say to that other than it’s just the way I am, and that I’m sure other people have laughed at things in the past simply because they were offensive. Laughing at dead baby jokes, and other stuff, is just an extreme variation of this.

As for laughing at others misfortunes, well, this certaintly isn’t something I do to friends*, co-workers, and relatives. However, if I’m watching the news and I hear about some guy who died because he got his thumbs stuck while hiking the Appalachian trail and was unable to open up his bags of peanuts to survive, well, this is going to strike me as funny. My sympathies aren’t even going to come close to making this guy’s familily feeling better, and it’s hard to even feel sorry for someone who would die from such a silly cause.

Also, after much thinking, I’ve discovered something interesting about myself: I care a lot about issues, but not so much about the people that created the issues. I still haven’t made sense of this myself. I love my family and friends, try to help out people whenever I can, but I feel very indifferent to people I’m unfamiliar with. In the Meyers Briggs test, I was listed as an INTJ, and this is a trait described in some descriptions.
*This isn’t 100% true on account of another message board I post at. It has a very long and somewhat interesting history, and over the years it has transformed from a videogame message board, to one of the most offensive places online. Of course everything is in the name of comedy, but anyone who is unfamiliar with us would leave the board thinking we were the most horrible people on Earth. Anyways, it’s almost a ritual, that members will make fun of another member if they post about a family member or close friend dying. It’s a very tight knit community, with only about 15 members, so it’s expected, and the members related to the deceased will often crack jokes themselves. To actually find this funny, you’d have to posses the darkest sense of humor possible, and that’s something we all have in common.

Not sure if this clears anything up. I’ve long since decided that if I know I’m dying ahead of time, I’m recording my own eulogy, and yes, there will be jokes made.

Questions?

27

Two men are playing golf when a funeral passes by. One of the men gets on his knees and starts praying.

When he stands up, the other says, “Wow, that was one of the most touching things I’ve ever seen.”

The other man replies, “Well we were married for 30 years”

28

Gabe Kaplan told this one during the closing segment of a Welcome Back Kotter episode:

“Julie, did I ever tell you about my Aunt Sophie? She outlived three of her husbands. The first one died from eating poison mushrooms. The second died from eating poison mushrooms. The thired died from a blow to the head with a frying pan.”

“Why?”

“He wouldn’t eat the poison mushrooms!”

29

Ahh, but you forgot the moral of the story:

Look both ways before crossing the street.

An elderly gentleman went in for his checkup, and while the doctor reported that things generally looked good, he had discovered a heart defect.

“How bad is it?” the man asked.

“You’ll have to avoid stressful activity from now on. If you have sex, it could very likely prove fatal.”

The man goes home quite dejected, and tells his wife. They decide it would be best if he slept downstairs on the couch from now on.

After a couple weeks of this arrangement, however, he can’t stand it anymore, and begins quietly climbing the stairs, where he meets his wife halfway.

“Hello darling,” he sighs, “I’m coming up to die.”

“That’s okay, sweetie,” she replies, “I was just coming down to kill you.”

30

Interesting screed JoeSki, at least the parts of it that I read. Is screed the word I want? I can’t remember. Oh, well, on with the jokes:
A man was (as is so often the case) on his deathbed. He turns to his wife and says, “Dear, before I die, please tell me … were you ever unfaithful to me?”

The woman hesitates before replying, “Well, you remember that time you were fired for mouthing off to your boss, but then a couple of days later he called to forgive you and offer you your job back?”

The man chuckled softly, “I always wondered about that.”

“The there was the time Tom, Jr. was rejected for prep school, but a week later they let him in.”

The man smiled. “Don’t tell Tom, Jr. about that!”

“And then remember when you were running for president of the country club, but you were worried about being a few votes short?”

“Oh, yeah,” the man nodded, but suddenly his smiled vanished and he sat bolt upright in bed. “Hey, I won by 25 votes!”

31

** Roland**, a friend of mine told that joke to me once in 1984. Only it was “purple passion”, not “buckberry.” He kept telling us about this joke he knew, that it was the funniest joke ever. He spent six months “promoting” it until he finally told us. He made it last twenty minutes.
Twenty minutes of my life I will never get back.

32

“Of course we will respect your wishes Mrs. Smith, but I have to ask. Why do you want your husband buried with his buttocks exposed?”

“So that when I come to visit the grave I’ll have someplace to park my bicycle.”

33

"
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.
As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” St. Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”
St. Peter replied, “This is Heaven, you play for free.”
Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the World laid out.
" How much to eat?" asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!” St. Peter replied, with some exasperation.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.
St. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”"

That’s the funniest one I have. I suck.

34

Hey! That’s what I tested as too… I understand the ability to see the 1% humor in a 99% heartbreaking situation. We seem to be capable of keeping our heads clear in a horrible situation, but we’re also capable of performing obscenely despicable acts. :frowning:

I have half, or a third of a funny story that needs finishing, perhaps you guys can think of an ending…

A woman was preparing to jump off a bridge to her death on the streambed far below. “I’ll just let go of the bridge, and my troubles will be over…”
At that moment a man walks up to her on the bridge and says “If you’re going to kill yourself anyways, how about having sex with me first?”
“Ugh! No way!” says the woman.
“Alright,” says the man, looking down over the bridge. “I guess I’ll just climb down to the bottom of this ravine and have sex with your corpse after you jump. It should still be warm for a while.”
The next day the woman is at home with a large bottle of sleeping pills. “Just one bottle of sleeping pills, and all of my troubles will be over.”

:frowning: I need some ideas on how to make the woman avoid suicide for outrageous reasons that wouldn’t matter anyways if she were dead. And then maybe a “buckberry” ending.

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35

screed ( P ) Pronunciation Key (skrd)
n.
A long monotonous speech or piece of writing

So, are you saying the post was interesting and tedious? I have a bad habit of droning on when I’m in a hurry. I’m not good at being creative on my feet, unless I’m chatting with someone on aim. You should be relieved to hear that I am reading plenty of Hunter S Thompson, so that should give my writing a well needed kick in the creative juices.

Really? How’s your sense of humor? I know I’m not the only INTJ with this kind of dark humor. There’s a list online called How to deal with an INTJ that ends with:

"11. Do not expect INTJs to actually care about how you view them. They already know that they are arrogant bastards with a morbid sense of humor. Telling them the obvious accomplishes nothing. "

Which put my mind at ease. And I wouldn’t worry about the bit about being capable of performing terrible acts. Everybody is capable of evil. I feel like I don’t have as much humanity as your average joe, but I’m not about to go postal at the drop of a hat either.

36

Joe Ski, I read your screed, and found myself nodding quite a bit.

FWIW, I also get giggles from Helen Keller jokes.

One that somewhat relates:
What did Helen Keller say when she fell of a cliff?

Nothing. She was wearing mittens.

On topic:

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”

He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening, “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

37

Oops, that more offensive that I meant to be. It’s a good thing you’re INTJ and so don’t care how I view you. Anyway, I’d better just stick to jokes. As compensation, I’ll make you the subject of this one.
JoeSki dies and is waiting in line to get into heaven. There are two men waiting ahead of him. St. Peter asks the first man how many times he cheated on his wife.

“Twice,” replies the man.
“Well, that’s not too bad,” says Peter. “You will get to drive a Mercedes around heaven.”

He asks the next the second man, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”
“Umm, eleven,” says the man, looking embarassed.
“Oh, well,” says Peter, “Believe me I’ve seen worse! You’ll drive a slightly used Ford Taurus, with low mileage, and brand new floor mats around heaven.”

It’s then JoeSki’s turn, and he’s faced with the same question. “Why, never,” he replies.

St. Peter doesn’t believe him at first, but he checks his records, and finds JoeSki is indeed telling the truth.
“Amazing! Well, you’re going to get a gold-plated Rolls Royce with chauffeur.”

Some time later, St. Peter is enjoying his day off by cruising heaven. Suddenly he spots JoeSki sitting by the side of the road crying. He goes over to JoeSki and asks him what’s wrong. Doesn’t he like his new Rolls Royce?

“It’s not that,” sobs JoeSki, “I just saw my wife driving a moped!”

(with apologies to Mrs. JoeSki)

38

Uh, Already been done(very, Very, VERY NSFW).

39

O’Casey goes to his friend O’Hara’s funeral. Turns out O’Hara was so well-endowed they couldn’t close the coffin lid over his “appendáge,” so there it protruded.

All around the funeral home, women in black were mourning and keening, “Oh, faith an’ begorrah, O’Hara’s dead!”

O’Casey goes home that night and tells his wife, "You’ll never believe this, Bridget, but I went to the funeral of a man whose dick was so big they couldn’t close the coffin over it! And Mrs. O’Casey goes, “Oh, faith an’ begorrah, O’Hara’s dead!”

40

Hee hee, that was a fun list, but I think it needs balance with the bad things which have an increased risk with this personality type. (There I go deconstructing it. Must mean I like it. :D)

I don’t know if it’s representative of my sense of humor, but the funniest moment in my life so far was watching Monty Python’s “Life of Brian”, during the “Pontius Pilate threatening the palace guards with death if they laughed” skit. Does that count as dark humor?

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