I need some cheering up. I’ve been working on my thesis, off and on, for so long, I need cheering up. Also the only thing I really look forward to from now until (let’s see, May, June, July, August, September, October… ELECTION DAY) So time for some good, clean, morbid jokes. I’ll start.
A patient at a hospital with a gunshot wound to the abdomen. The wife explains that he got into a heated argument with his neighbor. He’s rushed to the OR and is having a heart attack. “I need to see that!”, the doctor says to the police officer. “Ok. Everybody stand back. Clear!” The doctor shoots the patient in the chest. “Doctor, what are you doing?” “I’m not going to let him die on me. I said stand back. Clear!” The patient’s body convulses and the heart monitor goes flat. “Clear!” The doctor wipes his brow, throws down the gun and looks to the nurses. “We’ve lost him”, the doctor sighs.
I don’t think I get it…
I think I get it, but I don’t think it’s funny? 
I’ve got a few classics…
What’s the difference between a rock and a dead baby?
Can’t fuck a rock.
What’s the worst part about eating a dead baby?
Trying to hide your erection.
Got this in e mail today
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’. “His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.”
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, “Watch this.”
He told Sniffer to “search”. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the
agent’s arm. The agent said, “Good boy”, and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
“Say, that’s pretty neat,” replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”
“I like it!” said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to “search” again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent “What’s going on?”
The agent nervously replied, “He just found a bomb.”
Hmm, I’m trying to decide what the boundaries of “morbid” are. I didn’t think it included dead baby jokes, but maybe (What’s the bad thing about having sex with a two-year-old? Getting blood on your clown suit.)
Ye gods, Kozmik, I’m getting ready to start work on my master’s project this summer – is this what it does to a person!?
…in which Flander goes to hell…
What does an orphaned retarded paraplegic AIDS patient get for Christmas?
Cancer
What do you get when you stick a pair of scissors in a baby’s eye?
An erection
I don’t get the one in the OP, but my all-time favorite is:
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?
“You gonna eat that?”
A new widow, learning that her late husband had been dressed in a black suit for burial, told the funeral director she wanted a blue suit instead; it was his favorite color and she would pay extra for the change. On the day of the funeral, there was her husband in his coffin with a form-fitting blue suit. Afterwards, she asked the undertaker about the extra charge. He replied, “No charge. Glad to do it for you! You see, the same day you asked me about that, another man’s body arrived, wearing a beautiful blue suit. I asked his widow, and she wasn’t particular about the suit. So I switched the heads.”
I … I haven’t been shocked in almost 10 years! Well played, sir! As such, I am reduced to an old standby:
How does a hillbilly mother know when her daughter’s had her first period?
She can teste blood on her son’s penis
A man enters a bar and begins ordering drink after drink after drink.
His alcoholism is slowly tearing his family apart.
I don’t get the joke in the OP. Somebody s’plain, please. Me dumb.
Moving thread from IMHO to MPSIMS.
A good number of my morbid humor comes from situational stuff - not really punch lines, most of it you have to be there. One that should translate well…
My buddy and I (teens) were in CPR / First Aid training and talking about when you could stop CPR. Correct answers include: someone of equal or higher training comes along (your turn!), the patient regains a pulse (yeah, effin’ right!) or you’re too exhausted to continue (whew three compressions and I’m dead! - and so’s he!)
Our answers included: when you can massage the heart (ie open chest wound) or when you have to take more than two steps between compressions and ventilations (ie a decapitation victim). My buddy clarified that last one, though. What with the open carotids, if there are two or more victims and two or more rescuers… SUPER SOAKERS!
You probably had to be there.
ETA: And I don’t get the op’s joke, either…
So can you explain it?
The only hook I saw in it was that the surgeon thought it horrible to lose a patient to a mere abdominal wound, so he shot the patient in the chest, so he was at least dead of a more serious wound.
yeah. just. not … funny.
What’s the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?
You can’t unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.
The OP is only funny if someone, somewhere says ‘clear’ when shooting skeet.
How many Jews can you fit in a VW Beetle? Plenty, once you’ve cleaned out all the Palestinians.
What’s black and white and red all over? Two nuns fighting with chainsaws.
Why shouldn’t you kill a hooker and dump her in the landfill? There’s a five-cent deposit in Las Vegas.
What goes “waaaBANG!” “waaaBANG!” “waaaBANG!”? The neonatal ward’s skeet shooting club.
What’s big and muscular and hairy all over? Most of China’s female Olympic athletes.
Revive Temple Prostitution: Let’s put the ‘God’ back into “Oh, God, yes, Yes, YES!!!”
The joke works if you make it sound like the doctor thought he had a defibrillator and if you leave the possibility open that he knew it was a gun.
Did you ever see The Simpsons episode with multiple stories? “There’s no time, man! We’ll have to improvise…”
I was a necrophiliac till the rotten cunt split on me.
What’s so good about twenty eight year olds?
there’s twenty of them!