Morbid jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I wasn’t sure whether to post this until I read some of the others.

A 40-year old man and a 10-year old boy are walking into the woods together after dark. The boy says, “Gee, Mister, I’m scared!” The man says, “You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk out of here alone.”

Here’s another one not so morbid, but pretty gross: :smiley:

A drunk party guest approaches his host and asks, “Hey, do you have green toilet paper that says, ‘Fuck you!’?” His host replies, “No, I don’t.” The drunk responds, “Well then, I must have wiped my ass with your parakeet.”

22

Not morbid, but most of the jokes here are just tasteless as these threads always end up, so here’s mine…

*In my family, we call my Grandad ‘Spiderman’…

…he hasn’t got any super-powers, he just finds it tough getting out of the bath*

23

I thought it was “four in the seats and 12 in the ashtray”.

Sorry, I’m just repeating what I heard on The Dope.

24

What’s black and white and red all over and can’t get through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head!

25

Jack Handey is always a good source of morbid jokes.

26

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table,
drinking by himself. Approaching the friend,
he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in June,” he said,
“and left me $10,000.”

“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

“Then in July,” the friend continued,
“My father died, leaving me $50,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months.
No wonder you’re depressed.”

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”

“Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!”

“Then this month,…” continued, the friend,
“Nothing! Not a single dime!”

27

Remember the “Mommy, Mommy!” jokes?

“Mommy, Mommy! There’s a bruise on Grandma’s leg!”

“Shut up and eat around it.”

28

Two lovers are naked in bed, getting frisky. The guy says, “Honey, I love you so much. Let me do anal.” She is hesitant, but agrees. At first he’s gentile. But after a few minutes, she stops him, 'Oww! It kinda hurts." He says, “It’s ok, it will feel better in a bit.”

A few more minutes pass and he starts getting into it, kinda rough. “AAhhh, It hurts! I think we should stop,” she says.

“Oh come on! I love you! Please let me do this. If you love me, you’ll let me!”, he replies. She concents.

Now he’s really driving it home. Just before he’s about to cum, she screams, “Stop!! We have to stop. I can’t take it anymore! The pain is EXCRUCIATING!!!”

“Excruciating!!!..”

That’s a big word for an eight year old!

29

“Mommy, Mommy! I can’t stop running in circles!”
“Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor.”

What’s grosser than a pile of dead babies?
A live one on the bottom eating its way out.

What’s black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and blue?
A nun falling down the stairs.

30

Wow. Who’da thunk screwing 8-year-olds turns you Jewish.

31

Speaking of which…
What’s the difference between a pizza and a jew?

The pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven.

32

What’s black and white and black and off-white and black and beige and black and brown and black and black?

A nun on a spit.

On a scale of one to ten, how old is Michael Jackson’s boyfriend?

33

Avid golfer is recounting the horrible day he had golfing with his wife: “Things went fine on the front nine, but two strokes into the tenth, Mildred just dropped dead. Dead, I tell you! There was simply no reviving her!”

“Omigod, that must have been absolutely awful!” his friend sympathizes.

“I can’t tell you how godawful it was. Eight holes of hit the ball, drag Mildred, hit the ball, drag Mildred!”

34

What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.

35

One day, a mother and her three daughters were playing in the park.

The first daughter, Rose, ran up to her mother and yelled:
“Mommy mommy! Why did you name me Rose?”
The mother kissed her on the forehead and replied “Because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head and I knew right then to name you so.”
The girl, content with this, runs back off to play.

The second daughter, Daisy, ran up to her mother and yelled:
“Mommy mommy! Why did you name me Daisy?”
The mother kissed her on the forehead and replied “Because when you were born, a daisy petal fell on your head and I knew right then to name you so.”
The girl, content with this, runs back off to play.

The last daughter, Brick, ran up to her mother and yelled:
“GAughghghhhghghghghghhfghtthhhhgh!”

36

:smiley:

37

A guy goes to the doctor’s surgery for a checkup.

The doctor tells him, “I’m sorry, I have two pieces of bad news. The first is that you’ve got Alzheimers disease.”

The guy says, “What’s the second piece of bad news?”

The doctor replies, “You’ve got cancer and you’ll be dead inside 3 months.”

The guy says, “Well, at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s disease.”

38

That was incredibly tasteless and offensive.

Keep 'em coming! :slight_smile:

39

In old westerns, when a baby is being born, why does the birth assistant always call for hot water?

(Warning: in exceedingly bad taste!)

To make soup in case things don’t go well.

40

Thank you. :smiley:

I sent this to my brother when he was in basic training and he almost got in trouble for laughing out loud, heheh.