Post your favorite "Guy dies and goes to heaven" joke

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

The title says it all. This is one of my favorite genres of joke, and I’m always looking for more of 'em. I’ll kick us off with one of my personal favorites:

A man dies, goes to heaven, and meets St. Peter. St. Peter gives him a tour and shows him the various groups of people.

“Over there,” says St. Pete, “are the Episcopalians. Over there are the Lutherans. Over there are the Jews, and there are the Muslims. Over there are the Hindus.”

Finally, before they get to the next group, St. Peter says “Shush, be quiet.” The man asks why.

St. Pete replies, “Those are the Southern Baptists. They think they’re the only ones here.”

2

How ironic, that I should put this in the Pit by mistake. I meant for it to go in MPSIMS. Mods, a little help?

3

Bill Gates died, and found himself at the gates of Heaven, where both God and Satan were waiting for him. “Welcome, Bill,” said God. “Satan and I have just been discussing you. You did a lot of good things in life, but you did a lot of very bad things, too, and frankly, we just aren’t sure whether you belong in Heaven or Hell. So, we’re going to let YOU decide where you go for all eternity.”

That sounded good to Bill Gates, so he agreed. First, God waved His hand, and showed Gates a vision of Heaven. It was a beautiful place fileld with happy people playing gold harps, and floating through the clouds.

“Not bad,” Said Gates. “Now show me Hell.”

Satan waved his hand, and showed Gates a vision of a beautiful, sunny tropical island, filled with gorgeous naked women sipping pina coladas, while a band played calypso music."

“Wow,” said Gates, “That’s for me! I choose Hell.”

“Very well,” said Satan. The devil then pushed a button, and Bill Gates fell through a trap door, all the way down to a pit of fire, where demons were waiting to poke him with pitchforks and branding irons.

“WAIT A MINUTE,” roared Bill Gates! “THIS isn’t what you showed me! Where’s the beach? WHere are the women? Where’s the band? WHere are the pina coladas?”

“Oh sorry, Bill,” Satan called down to him. “That was just the demo version.”

4

A very wealthy man wanted to be sure that he would be rich in heaven. He went to his priest, who explained that you enter this world with nothing and you leave with nothing. The wealthy guy kept argueing so the priest sent him up the chain of command. Finally, after years of arguments and interviews, the wealthy man gets a private audience with the Pope.

“I want to take money with me to Heaven.” “You can’t take anything with you when you die.” “You MUST make an exception in my case - I’ll pay any price.” And on and on and on…

So after YEARS of pestering with phone calls and letters, the Pope has had enough. He appeals to Saint Peter. Saint Peter says, “OK you have to admit he’s persistent. He can take 1 briefcase with him, if he promises to leave the rest of his estate to the Church.” So the Pope tells the wealthy man, who then starts worrying about what to put in the briefcase, and leaves the Pope alone.

After a while, the wealthy man decides that the best thing fill the briefcase with is not bonds, or stocks, or precious gems… He decides to convert as much of his wealth as could fit to Gold Boullion. So for the rest of his life, the wealthy man drags this horribly heavy case around with him, everywhere he went.

When he finally died, Saint Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. “Welcome to Heaven. One thing, you have permission to bring the briefcase with you, but you must let me see what is so important that you spent most of your life either begging to bring it or bearing it’s great weight.”

So the man grudgingly agrees and opens the briefcase.

Saint Peter peers into the briefcase at the stacks of Gold Boullion and says,…

“Pavement??? All that just to bring PAVEMENT???” :smiley:

5

OK…Four nuns went to heaven and were greeted by St. Peter. Sister Mary goes up to the podium to sign in, and St. Peter asks if she had any sins she’d like to confess before entering heaven. Sister Mary said “I’m very ashamed, Once I looked at the Bishops penis”.
St. Peter said “There’s nothing to worry about sister. Go to the fountain and wash your eyes with holy water and all will be forgiven”.

Sister Maria stepped up to the podium, and St. Peter asked her the same question. “Well, once, I gave into curiosity and touched the Bishops penis”. “Curiosity is not a mortal sin my dear, go wash your hands in the fountain of holy water, and all will be forgiven”.

Sister Anne started up to the podium, but Sister Margret ran up to the podium in front of her. “Whats your hurry dear”? St. Peter asked, “This is heaven, you have all the time in the world.” I’m sorry St. Peter", replied Margret, “But I wanted to gargle with the holy water before Anne soaks her ass in it”!

:smiley:

Jon

6

Good one, DeVena, I hadn’t heard that before. Mine starts the same way…
A man is dying, and summons the three people he trusts most in the world - his priest, his doctor and his lawyer. He says “I have it mind to try and take some of my wealth with me. I want each of you to take $20,000 from my estate, and leave it in my coffin immediately before I’m buried. If you do this, I will divide my the rest into three parts and you can each donote one to a worthy cause of your choice.” They are sceptical, and the priest protests, but the man reminds them of the charities that could benefitm and they agree.

At the funeral, each deposits a large envelope in the coffin, and it’s buried. The three discuss the funeral in a bar, later. The doctor says to the priest “Father, I have a confession to make. I used my third to buy an MRI machine for my hospital, but there wasn’t quite enough, so I took $1,000 from my envelope.”

The priest replies “God forgives you, my son. In fact, I bought a new building for the church orphanage, and there wasn’t enough, so I took $5,000 out.”

The lawyer exclaims “I’m ashamed of both of you! I’ll have you know I put in a personal cheque for the full amount!”

7

So this Pagan woman dies, and she’s a little surprised to find herself in front of the Pearly Gates talking to Saint Peter. “Um, I was Pagan,” she says. “Don’t I get to go to the Summerlands?”

“Of course, my dear,” he says. “Actually, all the afterlives are here - Paradise, Elysium, Nirvana, the Summerlands. Here, let me show you to yours.”

So they walk in, and he shows her a beautiful meadow with great arching trees, and the spirits of all the dead Pagans are lounging around, drinking mead, making love, and having a good old time.

She’s overjoyed, but then she sees a group of shadowy figures, all dressed in black, looking at the happy Pagans and screaming and crying. She looks at Saint Peter strangely and says, “Well, but who are they?”

“Ah!” says Saint Peter. “Those are Southern Baptists who are in Hell.”

8

Another fellow dies, and he goes to Hell. He’s extremely upset upon finding out where he’s going, but Satan says, “Hey! Hey! Don’t worry about it! Actually we get a lot of bad press. Really, it’s not so bad. For example, do you like to drink?”

“Well, yeah,” says the man.

“Great! You’re going to love Mondays! All we do is drink. Every kind of liquor. Beer, wine, rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, champagne, all the best stuff. It’s all free, and you can drink as much as you want, and you get all buzzed but you never get sick and you never get a hangover, because you’re already dead!”

“Wow! Cool!” says the fellow, who’s a little bit happier.

“Do you like to eat?” says Satan.

“Well, of course,” says the man.

“Well, you’re going to love Tuesdays. On Tuesdays all we do is gorge ourselves. There’s a huge buffet, of all the best kinds of food - turkey, venison, caviar, salmon, – and let’s not even talk about the desserts! And you never get overstuffed, and you never get fat, because you’re already dead!”

“Is that ever great!” says the man.

“Oh, it gets better! Do you like to gamble?” says Satan.

“Well, I’ve been to a few casinos in my time…” says the man.

“Well, you’re going to love Wednesdays! All we do is gamble. Roulette, poker, blackjack, baccarat, horse racing, everything, and you never run out of money!”

“Holy cow!” says the man.

“That’s nothing! Do you like to take drugs?”

“Sure!” says the man.

“Well, you’re going to love Thursdays! All we do is do drugs, all day. The best bud you’ve ever had, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, crystal meth, anything you want, and you never have a bad trip, and you never get addicted, because hey, you’re dead!”

“Wow!” says the guy, who’s completely enthused.

“That’s not the end of it!” says the Devil. “Are you gay?”

“What?” says the man. “No, I’m not gay.”

The devil’s face falls. “Oh, shit. You’re not gonna like Fridays.”

9

So–the Pope dies and goes to heaven where Saint Peter personally greets him at the Pearly Gates.
“Pope,” says St. Peter, “you’ve been a good person and are one helluva (har har) guy so if there’s anything you need or want to do up here, just let me know and I’ll set you up.”
“Well,” the Pope says hesitantly, “there is one thing. I’ve always wanted to read the original version of the Bible just to see what got lost in translation.”
"No problem, "says St. Peter and quickly ushers the Pope to Gods Library (Special Collections Branch) where the original Bible is kept. He sits the Pope down in front of the massive tome and says “Here you go and remember, if you need anything, just holler and I’ll be right there.” The Pope agrees and happily begins to read.
Nobody hears anything from him for years and years until one day suddenly a loud scream (followed by various and asundry curses) erupts from the Library.
Saint Peter hurries over and sees the Pope standing in front of the original Bible, pointing at a particular verse and saying “No no no” over and over again.
“What’s wrong, what’s wrong?” Saint Peter gasps as he hurries up to the Pope.
“It says celeBRATE, celeBRATE!!!” the Pope yells.
:wink:

10

Matt, you forgot the final punchline:“God dosen’t like being told what he thinks”

11

A dj dies and gets admitted to heaven. An angel is giving him a tour of the place. Eventually they come to a tremendously large room with billions and billions of clock-looking devices hanging on the wall. The dj notices they all only have 1 hand instead of two. Curious, he asks about the devices.

“Well, there is one for every living person on Earth. They click forward once every time the person commits adultery.” the angel tells him.

“Really? Can I see my wife’s?”

"Ahhhh. . . . no. . . sorry, but God keeps that one in his office to use as a fan. "

DaLovin’ Dj

12

Gotcha.

13

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. “Hello mate” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Lawyers in heaven.” “What?” exclaims the man, astonished. “You heard, no Lawyers.” “But, but, but, I’ve been a good man”, replies the Lawyer. “Oh really”, says St. Peter. “What have you done, then ?” “Well” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa”. “Oh” says St.Peter. “anything else?” “Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless.” “Hmmm. Anything else?” “Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans.” “Okay”, said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.” Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.

He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty dollars back, now fuck off”.

14

I read this one in Playboy back in the 70s:

An auto racing fan dies and goes to heaven. He asks St. Peter if they have a racetrack.
“What kind?”
“Indy Car.”
St Peter shows him the most beatiful Indy Car track imaginable–and there’s a race in progress. One driver in particular is courting disaster–cutting off the other drivers, causing crashes, realy pushing it to the limit.
The fan says, “I’ve only seen one man drive like that–but I thought A. J. Foyt was still alive–what’s he doing up here?”
St. Peter replies, “Oh, that’s God–He just thinks He’s Foyt.”

15

Okay, so this elderly husband and wife keep fit all their lives, eat oat bran and go jogging, and end up dying when a drunk driver hits their car.

So they die and go to Heaven, and St. Peter is showing them their new home. They go in the kitchen, and it’s fully stocked with bacon, eggs, booze, all unhealthy sinful delicious food.

And the man says to St. Peter, “Wait, I can’t eat that stuff. It’s bad for you!”

And St. Peter says, “Oh no no no-you’re in Heaven now, everything is perfect here.”

And then the man turns to his wife and shouts, “You idiot, if you hadn’t insisted on that bran shit, we could have been here 20 years ago!”

A man dies and goes to Hell, and the Devil is showing him around. He’s told he has to pick a room to spend all of eternity in.

The first room there’s a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. The guy frowns and says, “No, that doesn’t look too comfortable, let’s go see what’s in the next room.”

The next room has people standing on their heads on a concrete floor. And the guy once again says, “Wow, that’s even more uncomfortable-what about the next room?”

And the Devil shows him the third room, where everyone is knee deep in shit drinking coffee. And the guy says, "Well, you know, that’s gross, but at least I can stand up and drink coffee. " So he goes in, and gets a cup of coffee, and starts talking to the people.

Five minutes later the Devil comes back in and says, “Okay, coffee break’s over, back on your heads!”

Three ecologists are exploring the deep jungles of the Amazon searching for new plant life when they are they are captured by a
tribe of cannibals. They are taken back to the village to be tried by the chief. The chief stares at the white men and is about to
give the usual ‘let’s boil them alive’ orders, when he gets an idea.

“I shall let each of you go,” he says, “if you can go out into the jungle and within one hour, come back with 10 identical pieces
of fruit.” The men are overjoyed when they hear this so off they run into the jungle to gather fruit.

Half an hour later one of them comes back with 10 peaches and proudly brings them to the chief. The chief looks at the fruit
and not liking what he see tells him that he will let him go if he can shove all 10 pieces of fruit up his rear end without changing
his facial expression.

He notices all the serious faces of the tribesmen so he starts to shove one up there, but with the peach halfway in he lets out an
agonizing shriek of pain. The chief promptly gives the order to kill him.

10 minutes later the second guy comes back and sees his friend lying dead in the dirt. The tribesmen grab him and tell him to
open his hands for the chief. In his hands he holds 10 identical berries. When the chief gives the same orders he is visibly
relieved and quickly begins to shove the fruit up his rear end. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9… and suddenly the guy busts out
laughing! Not amused, the chief once again gives the order to kill the guy.

Now the two dead guys are up in heaven discussing what had just happened. “You only had one more berry to shove and you
were home free! Why did you start laughing?”

“I couldn’t help it. I lost it when I saw Fred coming down the path with 10 pineapples!”

      A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of
      these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'

      The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood
      floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are
      killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that
      He made the cat.

      The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women
      with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God
      says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

      About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on
      his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

      'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'

      The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on
      Wheels you've been sending over are the best!
16

Three men are waiting to enter heaven, and discussing which of them died most unfortunately.

St. Peter asks the first man for his story and he says: “I came home one day, and I suddenly sensed, you know how it goes, that my wife had a lover. I hunted round the appartment for him, but couldn’t find anything. Then I went out on the balcony and saw this guy hanging over the edge! I went wild, kicking his fingers and everything, and eventually he let go. He fell 5 floors, but still looked alive, so I dashed into the nearest room - the kitchen - and found the fridge. I pushed it to the edge, threw my shoulder against it, knocking it off to crush him, but I lost my balance and fell after it, to my death.”

The second guy says “I can top that! I was practicing chin-ups hanging from my balcony, when I slipped. Fortunately I caught the balcony below, and then this guy runs out, and I think I’m saved, but he goes ape-shit and knocks me off!”

The third guy says "My turn. OK, picture this. I’m hiding, naked, inside a fridge when…

17

Ack! On preview I see it’s similar to a previous. What the hey!

Guy dies, arrives at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks him out, and he’s in. St. Pete gives him the walking tour.

Now, this fellow was a hotshot trial lawyer in life (no comment), so St. Peter really wants to impress upon him the egalitarian nature of heavenly society. There is no bad side of town; everybody’s got bodacious digs. At the swimming pools and the concerts, it’s stressed that nobody gets special treatment, and it doesn’t matter anyway, because, “You’ve got all the time in the world.”

So they finally wind up at a cafeteria, and St. Peter notes approvingly that the new arrival is content to get a tray and take his place in line. Suddenly, there’s quite a bustle as a guy in scrubs with a stethoscope around his neck bursts in, shouts, “Out of the way, I’m in a hurry!” and cuts to the head of the line.

Our recently retired attorney gives St. Peter a quizzical look and St. Peter replies:

“Oh, that’s G-d; sometimes he thinks he’s a surgeon.”

18

From Emo Phillips:

"In my dream, I die and go to heaven, and I don’t know it but Jesus Christ goes in the Pearly Gates after me, and I say, ‘Close the door! What, were you born in a barn?!’
"And we’re called before the awful throne of judgement, and God says, ‘Whichever of you did the best deeds will sit at my right hand.’ And Albert Schweizer stands up, and says, ‘I devoted my life to curing diseases in Africa.’ And God says, ‘Well, in doing that you totally ruined their ecosystem, so now they’re all starving, smart guy. Next?’ And an angel pokes me and says, ‘It’s your turn.’
"So I stand up and say, ‘Once, in a spirit of great selflessness and devotion to my fellow man, I filled a rental car with premium.’
"AND THERE WAS A LOUD HOSANNA.
"And I said to God, ‘You know, God, you and I are a lot alike. We both drive a Galaxy.’
“So God sent me to Hell, where I spend eternity having my arms and legs cut off, and I have to work as a PEZ dispenser.”

19

Somehow there’s a screw-up in Quality Control and an Engineer gets sent to Hell. It’s horrible there. The heat is unbearable, people are laboring like slaves, you have to climb up scalding hot rocks to get anywhere, you get the picture. The Engineer calmly looks around and has a talk with Satan, they shake hands and the Engineer goes to work.

A couple of months later things have really changed. There’s an air conditioning system and the climate is great. Robots are performing all of the labor. There is a system of escalators and moving sidewalks for people to get from place to place. Hell is quite a nice place to be.

Up in Heaven there’s an audit and they realize that there’s a missing Engineer. God calls Satan and demands his Engineer back.

“No fucking way,” says Satan, “we need this guy. If something breaks down, we’re screwed.”

“Look Satan,” says God, “you better send him back here immediately.”

“Fuck off. What will you do if I don’t.”

“If you don’t send him up here, I’ll get one of the lawyers in Heaven to sue you.”

Satan could do nothing but laugh. “Yeah, right. Lame bluff, God.”

Haj

20

This joke is very versatile, as you can see.