Post your favorite "Guy dies and goes to heaven" joke

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Longtime UNC Basketball Coach Dean Smith lives a long and healthy life, saddened only in that his rival and friend Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski’s death preceded his, since Coach K was so much younger. Coach Smith finally passes in his sleep, surrounded by his loved ones, and is getting the tour of Heaven from Saint Peter. Since Dean did so many good deeds and passed along his knowledge and work ethic to the likes of NBA Greats Michael Jordan and Vince Carter, St. Peter showed Dean the gated community where the elite angels lived. Dean was quite pleased with his eternal home, two-story brick, garage, gabled roof, spacious, landscaped, well-equipped kitchen, nice lap pool in the back, on a quiet cul-de-sac. St. Peter had even had the builders place a pale blue UNC flag on the stoop, to show the neighborhood who lived there.

Dean was very very happy with this home, until he turned and saw up on a hill an absolutely magnificent mansion, four stories tall, two wings with helicopter pads on the roof, classic racing cars in the 7 car detached garage, and doormen, footmen, gardeners, and maids flitting about dutifully doing their chores, and resplendent in Duke Blue uniforms. There were four towers at the four corners of the mansion, with Duke flags flying, and in the back was a huge indoor basketball arena with games being played all day long.

Dean asked St. Peter, “Now I don’t mean to be ungrateful, my home really is very nice, but why did Mike Krzyzewski get such a palacial estate? I had more players in the NBA, and I broke through racial barriers with my teams, and, I mean, I trained MJ!”

St. Peter looked confused a second, then smiled broadly. “Oh, I see, no, no, no, Coach. That is God’s place.”

(Replace Dean Smith and Coach K with any two rivals, same joke.)

22

Three preachers and their wives are riding together on their way to a preachers retreat when they get killed in a car crash. they get to Heaven and th first preacher and his wife walk up to St. Peter and he pulls out the book to check him out… St Pete says “This is quite unusual… here you are a man of God, but you have lusted your entire life after money! You skim outta the offering, you even stole lunch money when you were a kid… Heck, you love money so much you married a woman named Penny!. You are outta here. Next… Hmmmm… says here that you are quite the alcoholic! drink every time you are outta town and even drink the communion wine at home… You love alcohol so much you married a woman named Sherry! I can’t let you in. Next”

Hearing all this the third preacher turns to his wife and says “We know when we aren’t wanted! Let’s get outta here, Fanny!”

23

Three doctors die and arrive at the Pearly Gates together. St. Peter asks the first doctor about his career. “Well, I was a medical missionary all along. I spent my whole life serving the poor.” “Well, come on in, come on in!” says St.Peter, and he turns to the next doctor, “What about you?” “Well, I had a thriving and lucrative practice. In gratitude I worked as a volunteer one day a week at a free medical clinic for the poor.” “That’s great! Come on in, come on in!” The third doctor speaks up “St. Peter, I had too many debts to do any charity work. And I worked for an HMO. But otherwise I was okay.”
St. Peter hesistates for a minute, then says, “I guess it’s alright. Come on in! But you can only stay for three days!”

24

A guy is caught in a flood. He is stuck on the top of his house with the water up to his ankles when a rowboat comes by. “Hop in!” the people say. “No, my faith is in God, he’ll take care of me.”

When the water is up to his waist, a speedboat comes by. “Hop in! We’ll take you to safety!” “No, God will take care of me.”

Later, the water is up to his neck. A helicopter comes by. “Grab the rope! We’ll take you to safety!” “No! God will save me!”

He drowns. He goes to heaven. “God? Where were you when I needed you? I had faith in you!”

God looks at him and says, “What are you talking about? I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What more do you want?”

25

I’ve heard the same joke…only the third man was gay, and his partner’s name was Dick. :slight_smile:

Three old friends passed away together in an accident and went to heaven. When they arrived, St. Peter said, “We have only one rule here in Heaven…don’t step on the ducks.”

So they entered heaven and, sure enough, there were ducks all over the pace. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they tried their best to avoid them, one of the friends accidentally stepped on one. Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter chained them together and said, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”

The next day, the second friend accidentally stepped on a duck and along came St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, and with him iwas another extremely ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as for the first friend.

The third friend observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, was very, VERY careful where he stepped. He managed to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on…a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word.

The man asked, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?”

The woman replied, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

26

A blonde dies and goes to Heaven.

God meets her at the Pearly Gates.

The blonde says “Wait a minute - you’re not St. Peter! Who are you?”

God says, “Hi, I’m God. And you are…?”

Blonde says, “Hi God, I’m Muffy! Do I have to answer the three questions before I get into Heaven? I’ve been studying REAL hard!”

“Well, seeing that you’re a blonde, and you’re cute,” states God, “I’m only going to ask you one question and I’ll make it a real easy one for you.”

“Oh, thank You!” gushes Muffy.

“OK, Muffy,” says God, “What is my Son’s name?”

Muffy thinks. Thinks some more. Mulls it over. Suddenly her eyes get real bright, and she says “ANDY! That’s it, Andy!”

God is astounded! “How in My name can you possibly think that my Son’s name is Andy?”

The blonde explains, “You know, like we used to sing in church every Sunday? 'And He walks with me, And He talks with me…”

27

Three men die and go to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates.
St. Peter looks them over, checks their names in his book and then says, “Before I admit you, you must answer this question.” “If you could be at your own funeral right now and hear what your loved ones were saying, what would you hope to hear?” The first man said “I would want them to say he was a good man, and a loving father.” And the second man said “I would want them to say I was a brilliant man and one of the great intellects of my time.” St. Peter nodded at them both and then looked at the last man and asked “How about you?” The third man thought a moment and then said “Oh shit, I think has breathing!”

28

Bill Clinton dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter is showing him around, and they come to huge room filled with clocks. The man asks what all the clocks are for. St. Peter says, “Each clock represents one person. Every time they lie, the hands go around. See, there’s Mother Theresa’s clock,” he says, pointing a clock who’d hands are all dusty and covered with cobwebs. “Where’s my clock?” Clinton asks. “Oh, it’s not here,” St. Peter replies. “God keeps it in his office as a fan.”

29

Mine is from a Far Side:

A man is standing before St. Peter and the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is saying, “A train leaves Los Angeles at 7:28 a.m. Another train leaves New York at 12:30 p.m. heading east. If the train leaving Los Angeles…say do you want a piece of paper for this?”

The caption is: Math Phobics Nightmare

30

Three men die and are waiting in line at the Pearly Gates to get into Heaven.

The first man walks up and St. Peter asks him, “Have you ever cheated on your wife?”

“Absolutely not. I loved my wife and was faithful to her.”

St. Peter smiles and says, “Good. Take this gold key. It starts that gold BMW over there. You get to drive it around Heaven for all eternity and never fill it up.”

The second man walks up and St. Peter asks him, “Have you ever cheated on your wife?”

“Well, one time I slept with my secretary while I was on a business trip. But I felt guilty and told my wife and we worked everything out. I never strayed again.”

St. Peter says, “Well, you do feel remorse about it. Take this silver key. It starts that Honda over there.”

The third man walks up and St. Peter asks him, “Have you ever cheated on your wife?”

“To be honest, I slept with any woman who was willing.”

St. Peter scowls and says, “This key unlocks that bicycle lock over there. Get out of my sight!”

So the third guy is riding around Heaven, and he happens upon the first guy in the BMW. He doesn’t look very happy.

The third guy asks, “What’s the matter? You’re in Heaven, and you’ve got this great car. What could possibly make you look so unhappy?”

The first guy replies, “I just saw my wife go by on rollerskates.”

31

A rabbi, a Pope and a salesman go to heaven. “Let me show you where you’ll be living,” says St. Peter.

First he drops off the salesman at a mansion on the hill, complete with acres of fruit trees and a swimming pool. Then he drops off the two clerics at a pair of small cottages on a crowded lane.

“Wait – there must be some mistake,” says the Pope. “The rabbi was a holy and righteous man; I was God’s representative on earth. But you put a lowly salesman into the mansion?”

St. Peter responds, “We get popes, rabbis and ministers up here every week. But you see – that’s the first salesman we’ve ever had!”

32

A woman arrived at the Gates of
Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and
who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her “Hello, How are you ! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.”

When Saint Peter came by, the woman
said to him, “This is such a wonderful place ! How do I get in ?”

“You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her.

“Which word?” the woman asked.

“Love.”

The woman correctly spelled “L-o-v-e”
and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came
to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the
Gates of Heaven,her husband arrived.

“I’m surprised to see you,” the woman
said. “How have you been ?”

“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well
since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And, my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer. How do I get in ?”

“You have to spell a word,” the woman
told him.

“Which word ?” her husband asked.

Sweetly she smiled and said, “Czechoslovakia.”

Moral of the story: Never make a
woman angry … there’ll be Hell to pay later.

33

A guy dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter asks him if he has done any good deeds that would allow him to enter.

“Well, once I was walking past a bar and a screaming, frightened woman came running outside with her top torn halfway off and a bunch of biker types chasing her. I handed her my cell phone and told her to call the cops. I then stopped the first biker dude that was chasing her and told him that if he wanted to attack that woman he and all his buddies would have to get through me.” Replied the man.

“I see.” Said St. Peter. “That is quite a brave thing you did. When did it happen?”

“About 10 minutes ago.” Says the guy.

34

An Army general, an Air Force General and a Navy Admiral are out playing golf one afternoon. They are all struck by lightning, die and go to Heaven. They are greeted by St. Peter and are granted entry to Heaven. Before they enter they notice the outside perimeter of Heaven is guarded by Marines. Not wanting to be in the company of such awful creatures, they ask St. Peter if there are any Marines in Heaven. St. Peter responds "No, Marines are not allowed inside the gates, they stay outside and guard the perimeter. The general’s and admiral are satisfied and continue on, entering Heaven. As soon as they cross the gates, they notice a huge mansion on a hill. All of a sudden a huey flies toward the mansion, a rope drops out, and a camouflaged faced Marine fast ropes out. Hits the ground, does a drop and roll, gets up, runs to the front door of the mansion, kicks it open and squeezes off a burst from his M-240G machine gun. He enters and yells “OOh Rahh!!”

The general’s and admiral turn around and run back to St. Peter. They are very upset to learn there is a Marine in Heaven. “Pete, what’s the meaning of this, you specifically told us no Marines were in Heaven!” St. Peter answers, “That’s not a Marine, that’s God, sometimes he likes to pretend he’s a Marine.”

35

A Baptist minister, a Catholic priest, and a Jewish rabbi were playing cards and hanging out after an interfaith campout in the mountains when lightning struck a tree which fell and crushed them to death.

In the antechamber before God’s Office, the Archangel Michael takes their names and after a moment glares at them:
Michael: You know that the earthly representatives of the Almighty are supposed to set a good example, and I do believe that gambling is illegal in the place where you were camped. I see you still carry the charred remnants of playing cards in your hands. Must I report that your final activity involved lawbreaking and gambling? Minister?

Minister: Well, now, I’ve known these gentlemen for years. There was no intention in my heart, as I know there was none in theirs, of profiting at the expense of any of the others. Our placing of wagers was merely by way of entertaining ourselves, a means of score-keeping. I would not view it as ‘gambling’, as none of us were at risk nor were seeking illicit gain through this activity.

::Michael looks to the Priest:: Priest?

Priest: Well, now, as he says, we have played as a threesome for years. And what he says about profiting is true. It has long been our tradition that all winnings accrued from our little card game are invested in the coffers of the church or schule or other relevant charitable concern. I, too, would deny that what we were doing constituted ‘gambling’.

::Michael looks to the Rabbi:: Well?? Were you, also, not gambling, then?

Rabbi: ::looks left and right:: Gambling? And with whom would I be gambling?

So the Archangel Michael heads off into the Divine Office. And the three clergymen look at each other.

Minister: Hoo boy! I don’t know about you fellows, but this looks like they might be sticklers for the rules in this place. And that could be a bad thing. You know, we Baptists, we don’t hold with the drinking of alcoholic beverages, intoxication, devil spirits and all that. And I’ve preached as such. But there was a time when I was on travel and figured no one was around who knew me, and so I bought a bottle of Cognac and took it back to the hotel room and drank of it. Do you suppose I’ll be quizzed about that?

Rabbi: I suppose the question is whether we are each to be held accountable to our own rules or if there is a ‘real set’ which we may not even know about. Certainly in my faith we have no specific prohibitions against alcohol, but as rabbi I am supposed to keep kosher unless it would extraordinary hardship to do so. But I experienced no hardship when under similar circumstances, in a city where I was anonymous, I ordered and ate a ham and cheese sandwich. Which would be OK if either of you gentlemen did it, but I may be held to account for it.

Priest: Indeed. Now that the subject has come up…I attended a seminar a few years ago in Atlanta, and ran into this very fascinating woman, a professor, very pretty…we started hanging out in her apartment discussing all manners of things and one evening we started kissing and one thing led to another…

::moment’s silence::

Minister: Sure does beat hell out of liquor and pork, don’t it?

36

Three nuns die and St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates. He says to them, “I’m going to ask each of you a question. If you can answer, you may come in.”

He asks the first nun, “What was the name of the first man that God created?”

“Adam,” she replies.

An angelic choir sings the Hallelujah Chorus: "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! . . . " And the Pearly Gates open and the first nun goes in.

St. Peter asks the second nun, “Who was the woman that God created from Adam’s rib?”

“Eve.”

The choir sings, "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! . . . " and the gates open and the second nun goes in.

St. Peter asks the third nun, “What were the first words that Eve said to Adam?”

She thinks a moment, then says. “Boy, that’s a hard one.”

The choir sings "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! . . . . "

37

A joke thread died and was resurrected as a zombie…

A young Catholic couple were killed in a limousine crash on the way to their wedding. They found themselves at the gates of Heaven, where St. Peter greeted them warmly.

They asked St. Peter, “Since we never got to marry on Earth, would it be possible for us to get married here?”

Peter thought for a moment, then said, “I’ll see what I can do- wait right here.” He vanished in a puff of smoke, and didn’t come back for about 3 hours. He told them, "Come with me. I have the wedding all set up.

The bride then said, “You know, I’ve been thinking, eternity is a very long time. If we start to get bored with each other after a few thousand years, are we allowed to get divorced in Heaven?”

St. Peter rolled his eyes in disgust, and snarled,’ For crying out loud, lady, you saw how long it took me to find a priest! Now you’re asking me to find a LAWYER???"

38

Same punchline as a previous joke in the thread, and dated (but it’s less dated than it seemed ten years ago!)

Bob Dole, Newt Gingrich, and Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven.

Saint Peter met them at the Pearly Gates and welcomed them. “All you have to do is answer one question and you will enter the Gates of Heaven!”

“Me first!” Gingrich said. He stepped up and Saint Peter smiled at him and said, “You have come to a place where all are equal, Republican and Democrat. To get in, you just have to spell God.”

Gingrich said “G-O-D” and Saint Peter opened the gate.

“Me next!” said Bob Dole, stepping up. “You have come to a place where all are equal, rich or poor. Just spell LOVE.”

Dole said “L-O-V-E” and Saint Peter opened the gate.

Finally, it was Hillary’s turn. She said, “I’m so glad to be here. Finally, I get to be a place where I can be judged for who I am, not my sex.” Saint Peter smiled at her and said, “You have come to a place where all are equal, men or women. Just spell Czechoslovakia.”

39

While amusing, not worthy of a zombie.

40

Heard this one in about 1980. The first two average white guys get in. The “Black” guy gets to spell “CZ.” And no, he wasn’t referred to as “black.”