Post your favorite "Guy dies and goes to heaven" joke

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

I think I may have read this on this board before, but here it is anyway…

Two conspiracy theorists are on their way to a convention when they get in a terrible accident and are killed. They get to heaven and meet God, who tells them he can answer any question.

“Great!” says one guy “Can you please tell us, lord, who really killed JFK?”

“Yes” says God, “Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone, assassinated the president.”

The one Conspiracy theorist turns to the other and says “Man, this goes deeper than we thought!”

42

Three doctors die and get to the Pearly Gates at the same time.

St. Peter asks the first one about his life. “Well, I was a medical missionary. I spent my whole career in service to the poor and disadvantaged” To which Pete replies “That’s great! Come on in! Come on in!”

The second doctor tells about how he had a popular and lucrative private practice. “But I spent one day each week and the charity medical clinic, as a volunteer.” To which Pete replies “That’s great! Come on in! Come on in!”

The third doctor tells how he practiced as part of an HMO. No charity work at all. St. Peter thinks about it and then says Come on in! Come on in! But you can only stay for three days."

43

A 40 year old lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. As St. Peter is showing him around he sees a young man drive by in a Ferrari. He asks St. Peter if they all get great cars like that but St. Peter tells him that young man died when he was 20 years old and because he missed so much of life on earth he gets a really nice car. Then they see another guy drive by in a Porsche, the lawyer asks St. Peter if he’ll get a car like that and St. Peter said that young man was only 30 years old when he died and he gets a nice car also. Then they see an old man drive by on an electric scooter and St. Peter tells the lawyer that the old man was 80 years old and he’ll be driving the same thing. The lawyer says “I should get a better car than that, I’m only 40 years old!” St. Peter says “No, we checked your billing records, you have to be at least 80”.

44

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good. Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together. Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.

Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said “Larry, you know you are the nicest lobster we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help.”

Larry said, “Well, don’t get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot.”

St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, “I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?”

This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. The hugged each other and they were off. Larry found out that in Hell Sam owned a disco, and they spent the day there together and had a great time.

At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, “Larry Lobster, didn’t you forget something?”

Larry looked around and said “No, I don’t think so I have my halo and my wings.”

St. Peter looked at him and said, “Yes, but what about your harp?”

Larry gasped and said: “Oh no! I left my harp in Sam Clam’s Disco!”

45

Sister Margaret came to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, “Sister Margaret, we have a bit of a problem right now. There was a huge earthquake with many fatalities and we’re having trouble getting all the rooms ready. Would you mind spending just one night in, um, the Other Place? You have been so virtuous all your life, I’m sure it wouldn’t damage your pristine soul.”

Sister Margaret replies, “Certainly I will. I have served the will of God for many years and will obey your request.”

The next morning, there is a phone call up to the Gates. “Saint Peter,” said Margaret, “Is my room ready yet?” “Oh, Sister Margaret,” he replies. “There was a horrendous tsunami! We are more crowded now than we were yesterday. Would you mind spending just ONE more night?” “Of course,” she says. “But I must confess something. Last night I smoked a cigarette. Will I still be able to get in?” “No problem at all,” says the saint. “All is forgiven. We’ll see you tomorrow.”

So on the second morning she calls again. “Saint Peter, is my room ready?”
“Oh, I’m so sorry. An avalanche swept away an entire village! We’re expanding infinity to make room now. Please, can you wait another night?” “Yes,” Sister Margaret says. “But I must make another confession. Last night, I drank alcohol. It was a Mar - Tiny, I think. Will I still be welcome?” “Oh, yes, of course. Until tomorrow, then.”

On the third morning, the phone at the Pearly Gates rings again. “Yo, Pete! This is Peg! Cancel that room!”

46

Not exactly a joke, but I was shocked at how dark the humor was in this classic Tom and Jerry clip (watch from 2:15).

Kittens in a bag, really? :eek:

47

A doctor, a lawyer and a musician arrive at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks them what they’ve done that they felt was particularly noteworthy, to gain access to Heaven.

The doctor says, “I travelled the world, providing free health care to people in need. I’ve healed the sick, helped people all over the world.”

St. Peter says, “You may enter.”

The lawyer says, “I worked pro bono for people who couldn’t afford a lawyer, and served on a Human Rights council bringing equal rights and justice to the poor people of the world.”

St. Peter says, “You may enter.”

The musician says, “I contributed most of my earnings to charities, and organized benefit concerts all over the world, fighting hunger, disease & injustice.”

St. Peter says, “Okay, you go through the kitchen, past the steam tables…”

48

Theodore Roosevelt went to Heaven, and told Saint Peter, “Heaven’s wonderful, but the choir needs work. I’ll reorganize it for you. Just send me the ten thousand greatest sopranos who ever lived, the ten thousand greatest altos, and the ten thousand greatest tenors.”

Saint Peter said, “What about the basses?”

“Oh, I’ll sing bass.”

49

A famous director dies and goes to Heaven. St Peter tells him that God would like him to direct a movie. At first he refuses, but when he learns that the script will be by Shakespeare, the music by Mozart, the sets by DaVinci, and the male lead will be Lawrence Olivier, he accepts. “Who will the female lead be?” He asks. “Well, Jesus has a girlfriend who sings…”

A guy goes to heaven, and meets St. Peter. St Peter sets him up in a very nice space, and then asks if he wants anything else. He asks for something to eat, and while he waits for St. Peter to return gazes down to watch the people in hell, who when not being tortured, eat at a beautiful buffet. St. Peter returns with two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. “Hey, wait a minute. Why is the food in hell so much better?” St Peter replies “Things are catered down there, and it doesn’t seem worth the trouble for just the two of us.”

A guy goes to hell and is told he gets to choose his punishment. the first choice is a room full of people being whipped, the second being burned, the third, a beautiful woman having sex with a man chained to the bed. “This one!” he says. The woman looks at him with tears of gratitude in her eyes and says “Thank God! I thought I was going to be here forever!”

50

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HEAVEN AND HELL
by George Carlin

In HEAVEN . . .

The Italians are the lovers,
The French cook the food,
The Swiss run the hotels,
The Germans are the mechanics,
And the English are the police.
In HELL . . .

The Swiss are the lovers,
The English cook the food,
The French run the hotels,
The Italians are the mechanics,
And the Germans are the police!

51

This is a link to a cartoon from the strip Rubes. It shows a guy standing in front of St. Peter, and his name happens to be Phelps.

52

I think I’ve heard this one before. Oh wait…

53

I don’t get it.

I don’t get it.

54

The band always gets second class treatment. So they’re being sent in through the kitchen as if they were just hired to play the event.

TR can sing as well as 10,000 basses all by himself (kind of like a Chuck Norris thing).

55

Or was arrogant enough to think he could. I read this joke in a book of anecdotes about the U.S. Presidents, IIRC, and in included several jokes about TR.