In the U.S. your legal name changes with the filing of your marriage license. You then need to take your marriage license to get a new driver’s license, send it in for a new Social Security card, and let your employer/bank/utility company, etc., know about the name change. It doesn’t take long, but it is sort of a pain in the back end (the SSA in particular wants a copy of your marriage licenses, a form, and, as I recall, your birth certificate).
I didn’t change my name with my second barrage (so I’ve changed it twice - maiden to married, married to maiden - but when I got remarried it stayed my maiden name). It is much easier not to change it in that you don’t have that six or eight weeks for chasing down the SSA and getting a new license and all that. What you do have is the rest of your life saying “oh, actually its Ms. Maidenlastname” or answering to “Mrs. Hislastname” and pretending (personally, I find that easier under many circumstances - if Manda JO has my kids in class, if she ASKS I’d tell her, if she calls me Mrs. Kidslastname I would answer, not say anything, and not think any less of her - usually I introduce myself to my kids’ teachers by first name.)
This must depend on the state. When I got married they asked me what I wanted my name to be. I could have kept it, taken his last name, or made up an entirely new name, apparently. No matter what I changed it to, it was still going to be a huge hassle with every entity I dealt with.
The entire Arab world and the entire Asian world are two more places where women don’t take their husband’s names, FWIW.
Thanks, I knew there were some I didn’t know about.
It was rather a shocking moment for me when my husband and I went to Bali. My passport has my maiden name on it, and since such things don’t have to be legally updated, I didn’t change it. My something-else-I-forget-what had my married name on it, and I had a dickens of a time explaining to some Balinese guy that the me on the passport was the me on the other piece of paper, even with my marriage license (which, of course, had both my name and my husband’s name on it. He just couldn’t grok the idea of a woman changing her name after marriage.
I mean, really! A *Balinese *guy, native to the country with arguably the weirdest naming customs in the entire universe (everyone has one of four names, birth order dependent, male or female, and you get a new name when you die - and they don’t even have family names, apparently!) and he was giving ME shit about my “funny naming customs”?!
That’s when I realized that there’s nothing natural about any customs.
Is it easiest for everyone if I change my name? I’m not sure it’s easier for me, because I’d have to have a billion accounts and documents changed, and I’m fine with my birth name, so why should I bother? Fear of inconveniencing you? Sorry, but my priority has to be what’s easiest for me. If Mike and I have kids, we’ll have to hyphenate, as we can see no other way of accommodating both names. IT’s a bit silly, but it won’t be too bad, as we both have short names. What our kids will do when deciding to marry another hyphenated name person? That conundrum is theirs to untangle.
My lastname is of the form “Lastname de Placename”; in later years, the government has taken to turning it into “Lastname-Placename”, when not “Lastnameplacename” or even “LastnamePlacename” (errrrh, why is there a cap in the middle of a word?). I do find it irritating, but it’s the guv’mint, what can you do. I do often use a plain “Lastname”, in circumstances where it’s not required by law to use the full form. Many people have remarked that it was unusual I had the same two lastnames as my cousins (nope, it’s a single pileup) or thought the “de Placename” part was from my nonexistant husband.
The few Spaniards I know who have hyphenated lastnames are cases like this family who had a hardware store and wanted the name of the family to stay the same as the name of the store. It’s both complicated, unusual and pretentious (my mess has been in the family for over a thousand years, not three generations).
I’m sure it’s easier changing your name at the time of a marraige, but I still remember my wife filling out a bunch of forms, going to several government agencies (DMV for the driver’s license, getting a new passport, etc.) and sending off stuff to the US social security administration.
The thing I disagree with is that it would hurt a parent’s feelings if you changed your name, but it doesn’t hurt their feelings when you change it at the time you get married. If I had daughters and I wanted them to carry my name, my feelings about that wouldn’t change when they got married.
Socially we do things all the time that are not “easiest”, as a show of respect for other people. We buy “Seasons Greetings” cards for people who don’t celebrate Christmas. We use titles like Dr, Rev, Fr instead of the default Mr/Ms. We replace terms like “colored” and “oriental” when they become outdated or take on a less-than-positive connotation.
So why should the nontraditional last name be in the same category? Many people view their names as a crucial part of their identity. And like it or not, US culture puts a great deal of stock in individual identity. So we respect the name that a married woman chooses for herself because it’s a fairly cheap and harmless way to show respect for her as a person. And generally, it’s disrespectful to say someone’s name is ‘annoying’ and ‘inconvenient’ when in reality it only requires maybe 10 extra keystrokes.
Anyhow, I do agree the email in the OP is rude, if she wanted to point out the correction she should have been nice about it.
It’s also not easiest for people that knew you before you changed your name–you effectively disappear. It makes it difficult for old friends to look you up, or to recognize your name if they see it in the paper or on a membership list of an organization. If “easiest for everyone” is the standard (And I agree, when has it ever been?), than keeping your own name seems by far the easiest.
Maybe we are homebodies, but I get what, maybe one or two letters a year addressed to me and my husband by a person? Wedding invitations and Holiday cards are about it, and I think my in-laws address me there using my husband’s last name and I’ve never bothered to correct them. It is my last name, socially. I don’t care if they never know I use my own last name professionally and legally. We have seperate computers and seperate email accounts, so no keeping anything straight there. I honestly don’t see how I’ve ever inconvienced anyone.
Well, I meant *far Eastern, * as in Japan and environs, but I just found this useful articleon Wikipedia, and it turns out I was wrong about Japan, where married couples must share a surname, whichever one they choose. Wives in China and Korea do not take their husband’s names.
In France and Belgium women keep their names. German couples can choose the wife’s or husband’s name.
I researched a bit more and have a list so far. These places either don’t require or don’t easily allow a woman to take her husband’s name:
France
Spain
Belgium
Quebec
Louisiana
China
Korea
the Arab world
the Latin American world
These places want a married couple to have the same name, but it can be either name:
Germany
Japan
Anybody know about Russian or Eastern European traditions? How about native American or Australian aboriginal? Just wondering.
We, and I, will put forth the extra effort to accommodate these people. Doesn’t mean that I like doing it, or won’t complain about it on a message board.
When I got married, I just wanted to be listed as Mr. and Mrs. Love. However, if I ever get a PhD, I’m hyphenating. It’ll be a bit of a pain in the ass, but it would be worth it to be Dr. Stange-Love.
