Hyphenated surnames

In My Humble Opinion
1

This a.m. I was reminded of one of my minor preferences/prejudices. I’m not a big fan of hyphenated surnames.

I feel I really don’t care what folks choose to call themselves. Heck, feel free to choose a number. But I guess the stodgy old conservative person in me prefers some predictability and consistency. And if you choose a path that is other than the norm, don’t get all bent out of shape when someone else goofs it up.

The situation I am thinking of is if my acquaintance Joe Smith marries Susan Jones. Several months later I am addressing x-mas cards. Do I address the envelope:
Joe and Susan Smith?
Joe Smith and Susan Jones?
Mr. and Mrs. Smith-Jones/Jones-Smith?
Joe Smith and Susan Jones-Smith?
etc.

I’m not saying women should always take the man’s name. I would have no problem with a man taking his wife’s name - tho I cannot recall ever encountering that. I just say, pick one or the other and stick with it for your whole family.

I find it confusing when someone (IME most often married women) use different surnames at different times. It is an (admittedly miniscule) imposition to require that folks say an extra name when addressing you. I also find it confusing when parents do not have the same surname as their children. My experience has been that the teachers my kids are the slowest to learn their names of, are the ones with hyphens. How do you enter such things on forms?

Has anyone encountered a situation where two hyphenated folk get married? Do they have 4 surnames? Or do they pick and choose among their 4? What do they name their kids.

I guess it sort of surprises me that so many folk have such ties to their family heritage, or such a strong sense of self, that they would not give up that portion of their surname. Especially when the result often does not sound exactly mellifluous to me. To me, it smacks slightly of an over-inflated sense of self importance. When I got married, what was most important to me was the family my wife and I created - not paying some sort of homage to our individual heritages.

While I don’t mind my surname, I wouldn’t mind changing it. My wife’s name was no winner either, tho, and her dad is a real bastard - so no real incentive to further his name.

Yes, this is a really small deal. And no, no one should make a decision on this or any other element of their personal life based on my preferences.

2

Thank your lucky stars you didn’t have to write Xmas cards to Captain Leone Sextus Denys Oswolf Fraduati Tollemache-Tollemache-de Orellana-Plantagenet-Tollemache-Tollemache, or that he never married anyone called Hermione Mainwaring-Featherstonehaugh.

If your friends want you to use their correct names on correspondence, then IMHO it’s up to them to tell you what names they want you to use. If in doubt, stick to the long-running convention of Hisname & Hername Hissurname - if they cut up rough about it they’re not really friends anyway.

Friends of mine who have used hyphenated surnames after marriage have always told me in advance; for those that aren’t formally married, I just use first names on the envelope, or address it to Myfriend & Family. That seems to have worked OK so far.

By the way, for the most part it tends to be the stodgy old conservatives that have hyphenated surnames over here. Funny ole world eh?

3

Oh, and brace yourself for the obligatory Monty Python reference. My money’s on it appearing within five posts.

4

Shade, Hermione Mainwaring-Featherstonehaugh, Joey Joe-jo Shabado Jr and I think when you marry you can choose a surname (which is generally but not necessarily the same as your spouses) but should then use that consistantly.

Captain Leone Sextus Denys Oswolf Fraduati Tollemache-Tollemache-de Orellana-Plantagenet-Tollemache-Tollemache

5

My son is a hyphen because his dad and I didn’t marry and he was part of both of us. I don’t know why that strikes people as odd.

When I finally got around to marrying, I kept my maiden name. I see absolutely no point in changing it and have always been bothered by that tradition. My husband kind of wanted me to change it, so he got a credit card with his name on it. Otherwise, I use the name I was given.

6

“it’s been reported that dinsdale pihranha nailed your head to the floor”
“what?, old dinsy, no he would never do that, no no, no, …well …yes, but i deserved it didn’t i?”
“what had you done to deserve this”
“well, i don’t know but it must have been pretty bad”

i just could not let everton down

(maybe not word for word, but fucking close)

unclviny

7

I met a couple, both with hyphenated names, who each kept their own names when they got married, and planned on saddling their kids with both hyphenated names, i.e., Naomi Francis Biggsworth-Hoople Throatwarbler-Mangrove.

8

I don’t have a cite, but I seem to remember reading something recently about a guy who did take his wifes name. He did it “to prove a point”. I’m not sure what the point was, maybe just that he didn’t like his name.

I do have friends that both hyphenated their name when they got married. Something like John Smith married Sue Jones and they are now John Jones-Smith and Sue Jones-Smith. No issue for addressing Christmas cards.

Anyway, I don’t much like hyphenated names either. To me it’s just indecisive. What really gets me is when can’t even stick to the hyphenated name. For example, Susan Jones-Smith insists on having her business cards, e-mail, etc say Jones-Smith and then she goes and introduces herself by saying “Hi I’m Susan Smith”. No your not, your Susan Jones-Smith.

9

I don’t have a cite, but I seem to remember reading something recently about a guy who did take his wifes name. He did it “to prove a point”. I’m not sure what the point was, maybe just that he didn’t like his name.

I do have friends that both hyphenated their name when they got married. Something like John Smith married Sue Jones and they are now John Jones-Smith and Sue Jones-Smith. No issue for addressing Christmas cards.

Anyway, I don’t much like hyphenated names either. To me it’s just indecisive. What really gets me is when can’t even stick to the hyphenated name. For example, Susan Jones-Smith insists on having her business cards, e-mail, etc say Jones-Smith and then she goes and introduces herself by saying “Hi, I’m Susan Smith”. No you’re not, you’re Susan Jones-Smith.

10

Mine too.

And a high school friend of mine took his wife’s name. I thought it was a little bit odd, but whatever makes them happy, I reckon.

11

I’m certainly no expert, but I suspected old etherton up the cream bun and jam was referring to the election results, where candidates from the Sensible Party such as Alan Jones, got trounced by their counterparts like Tarquin Fin-tim-lim-bim-lim-bin- bim-bin-bim bus stop F’tang F’tang Olé Biscuitbarrel (Silly Party).

That and Snivelling Little Rat Faced Git. Although, given his bride’s moniker, I suspect the first 4 were given names.

12

I thought he meant the composer Johann Gambolputty… de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle- dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz- ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer- spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein- nurnburger-bratwustle-gernspurten-mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut- gumberaber-shonedanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm.

(No, I’m not that much of a geek that I have it memorized. I googled it. :))

13

I always found hyphenated names to be pretentious, mainly, I think, because the few people I met who used hyphenated names were, in fact, pretentious. Yeah, it’s an unfair generality and I know that’s how prejudices are born, but it’s my gut reaction. Now, should I meet someone who isn’t snotty who carries multiples, I’ll likely change my mind. And I certainly wouldn’t tell someone that I found their name silly…

I’m not sure what my point is. But if I had it to do all over again, I’d marry a man whose name was in the beginning of the alphabet. I grew up with “R” and married “W”. My kid says she’s going to marry an Adams.

14

I have a hyphenated surname; I kept my name because, well, it’s my name and had been for nearly 3 decades at that point. I didn’t see the sense in just tossing it aside after my marriage, but I also wanted to show my union with my husband. My husband kept his surname. Also, my father died fairly young, before my marriage, and he had no sons. I just wanted to keep this branch of “the family name” going for a while longer. I’m not pretentious, I’m not indecisive. It’s simply my name.

I think the proper etiquette when couples have different surnames (for whatever reason) is to write his full name on one line, and hers on another, but I forget in which order they should appear.

15

I guess the situation that gives me the most pause, is when the couple is not all that close to you. Or maybe you know one, but not the spouse.

And the main reason it bothers me is that folk seem to get really bent out of shape when you get it wrong.

The x-mas card is one minor example. Sometimes it can be a bit of a chore to even get the darn things out. It is even more so if you have to research to determine specific names - especially if you worry about the recipient being pissed if you get it wrong.

Or I had one recently where I was announcing an athletic meet. There was a mom with a hyphenated name, who has a kinda big rep in the sport. Her daughter, had the same name but was a junior (a new one on me!) Her son, had only a single last name. It bothered me a bit (as an unpaid volunteer) that the mom reacted pretty sharply when I mistakenly used the hyphenation for the son.

Again, folks should be free to call themselves whatever they want. But they should not get too upset when others fail to get it right.

Denise - just curious. What surname will you give your kids if you have any? And what would you have done if your dad had a hyphenated name? Also - for your hyphenation - which comes first? Is there a standard precedence? If someone calls you by Smith or Jones instead of Smith-Jones - do you correct them? How much does it matter to you?

How good of an analogy is it that I have a surname that many folk seem to find hard to pronounce? But I rarely correct folks - as long as I know who they are referring to, that’s good enough for me.

16

There were so many Python references to choose from weren’t there? The one I had in mind was Throatwarbler-Mangrove, as mentioned by Ethilrist four posts after mine so I claim as my prize a tin of spam, half a pint of Watney’s Red Barrel and another of Double-Diamond (hence a pint of Double-Barrel).

Ferrous: I was at school with a kid who did have Johann Gambolputty… memorised and who introduced himself as such at every opportunity. As you can imagine™ it was funny the first twenty times.

The double-barelled surname I mentioned earlier was for a female friend of mine with an unusual surname and no brothers – she didn’t want it to die when she got married and only uses it on official forms.

17

Sigh I don’t have (officially) hyphenated surnames, yet I must write it that way here so that when I use my signature, people don’t call me Ms. K Secondlastname. I have two last names, in a correct order, and they have been part of my name for almost 2 decades. Why should I choose one over the other?

I do get ticked off when people call me by my second last name instead of the first last name just because of tradition and the fact that no one officially exists with that particular name.

PD. In friendly settings, I don’t want to be addressed with my last names. I may sign letters with my complete names, but I prefer receiving them with just my first name.

18

I don’t plan on having children. If I do change my mind, I’d give them my husband’s surname. I don’t know what I’d have done if my dad had a hyphenated surname or if I’d had one as my maiden name; I’d have probably looked in etiquette or similar books to see what any precedent might be. (For instance, I know that certain Hispanic cultures have two surnames as a fairly common practice, with rules for how the name changes after marriage, etc.) The standard for regular hyphenation seems to be that the new name gets tacked on the end, which is what I did.

To make this extra-complicated, both parts of my surname are difficult to spell and pronounce, though not terribly long at least. I correct people on any errors gently and with a smile, though if they’re close enough I don’t bother. Usually after the first correction I let more errors slide. I personally like to know how to properly pronounce people’s names (and to be sure that I’m calling them what they prefer), so I am understanding. I don’t throw a fit; it’s my name, not theirs, and as such I don’t expect most people to be very picky about it or for acquaintances to remember it exactly.

I only get annoyed when people intentionally use the wrong name. My inlaws know quite well that my surname is hyphenated, and I’ve been part of the family for years, yet some intentionally introduce me to others with my husband’s surname only. A friend sent my husband and I a card and put my hyphenated surname down as his last name too, and I know she did that just to bug him.

19

It’s becoming increasingly common for women to keep their own name when they get married. Your name is part of your identity.

I’m not crazy about my father or my family heritage, either, but that is beside the point. After briefly losing my mind 20 yrs. ago and taking on my new husband’s name (I guess it was puppy love that clouded the ole’ judgment), I have long since taken back my own name. I don’t even particularly like the name; it’s cumbersome and I have to spell it all the time, but it is a part of the original “me”.

I think both partners should just keep their own names when they marry. As for the kids, they should choose one of the last names, either the mother’s or the father’s. However, they should give all kids the same last name. It is not so unusual nowadays for one parent to have a different last name from the rest of the family, but giving different last names to the kids, that’s where I would draw the line. That’s a little too confusing IMHO.

Hyphenated names? I don’t think so. I, too, have never liked the idea of a person having two last names. It’s like you can’t make up your mind what your identity is or something. Choose one name and stick to it. People don’t change their first names willy-nilly. Most likely they will keep the same first name for a lifetime. Why should it be any different with your last name?

20

How is it indecisive? I am hyphenated because I decided upon a name which reflects who I have always been (Tracey Lewis) and my union with my husband (named Wick) in one package, thereby making me Tracey Lewis-Wick.

That my husband liked the sound of Lewis-Wick and has legally adopted it for himself is just a happy side effect.

It’s only “indecisive” if you feel that it’s indecisive to stand somewhere between the old guard tradition of women always taking their husband’s name and the new feminist ideal of refusing to “cede your identity” just because you’ve wed.

I’ve been known to do that in instances where it doesn’t matter, because the people to whom I’m introducing myself aren’t likely to remember my first name, let alone my last, and I don’t expect them to.

Meanwhile, I have no idea why being “Susan Jones-Smith” or “Susan Lester Perry” is seen to be so odd, unwieldy or off-putting but “Mary Ellen Smith” or “Lee Thomas Hoffman” is no big deal. (Or even hyphenated first names, like Anne-Claire Marshall or popularly, Mary-Ellis Bunim.) They’re names. If you aren’t sure how to address someone, just ask! (I’d rather tell someone ten times what my name is, exactly, than have them assume or take liberties about it twice.)

Asking is far better than making an assumption and possibly offending someone – and why is it surprising that people would be upset by those assumptions? Don’t you get upset when people mess up your name because they couldn’t bother to be careful or to ask you about the spelling or pronunciation or whatever?