I notice that “I’m sorry for your loss” is the standard line police officers and homicide detectives tell loved ones of the deceased (at least on tv-fiction and documentary style like the “First 48”). It seems to me that there are many other things you could say to someone to console them or acknowledge the shock/pain/sadness but it is always this line. Is this something “taught” in police academy or simply a phrase that has become a culture norm in law enforcement?
Usually when I hear it, it strikes me as particularly emotionless and distant. I understand police are not meant to console or counsel, but it is always seems like such an odd phrase, yet so consistently used.
WAG, it’s something that they have faced before, and probably will face in the future. Their is no way it doesn’t effect a person (unless they are somehow imbalanced) having a standard phrase makes it easier as they don’t need to think into the event and feel the emotions - at least at that time.
Also, it is a neutral expression of sympathy. It shouldn’t offend anyone’s religious/cultural belief.
I’ve wondered about this. I’d NEVER heard that phrase until it started popping up in TV shows a few years back. Now everyone on TV says it, and IRL too.
There’s an Ann Landers column from 1970, where a reader chimes in on the subject of what people should say to parents of a child who died. She suggests saying “I’m sorry for your loss.”
IMHO it is a useful phrase when both the bereaved and deceased are strangers to you.
For a homocide detective, giving the bad news in a professional manner and distancing yourself is probably a good idea for many reasons and likely the official departmental policy
It’s also something that you can say with sincerity no matter what you feel about the person who died or the circumstances of the death.
Exactly. You aren’t (A) accidentally invoking a god that the person may or may not believe in, or be at war with, or (B) Talking about anything related to the death of the person in an accidental way. You’re merely acknowledging that they lost someone that meant something to them in a way that can’t POSSIBLY be offensive, or come back at you in any way.
Yeah but it’s SUCH a stock phrase, it sounds a little stilted and insincere to me.
It might be so, but you need to have such things to avoid offense to the person.
“I’m sorry Jimmy was killed.” gets a response of “NO, MY BABY WAS MURDERED!! MURDERED BY THAT SCUMBAG POOKIE! HOW DARE YOU INFER ANYTHING ELSE!!!”
“Jimmy’s gone on to meet Jesus” gets a response of “He’s with Allah! Curse you for an infidel!”.
You have to have a way to acknowlege their loss, per social graces, but not accidentally offend their beliefs, enrage the situation of the loss, or accidentally do something stupid to cause an explosion.
Its the best people have come up with. Do you have a better suggestion?
Having been in this situation, I used to say pretty much that.
As others noted, it’s a neutral expression of sympathy. To me it would seem more insincere if I were to try to express some personal feelings. Let’s face it, I never met the deceased and his family are strangers to me. I’m obviously not going to be as distraught about the death as others are.
Of course it’s a little stilted, what else could it be? You didn’t know the person who died, you don’t know the bereaved, so a more personalized expression of grief would be fake.
I’ve used the phrase as well. A local judge’s child was killed in an accident a couple of years ago. I went to the services because that was the proper thing to do. At the funeral home, speaking to the family is also the proper thing to do. I’m an atheist, so I’m not comfortable with the whole “he’s with Jeebus now” thing. At the same time, you have to say something. “I’m sorry for your loss” is truthful…losing a child is a horrible thing, and I’m sorry the judge had to experience that. It doesn’t not express any religious faith that I don’t hold, so it doesn’t make me a hypocrite, nor does it risk offending the judge if I guess wrong about his religious beliefs. It’s polite, respectful, and sincere.
I don’t know. I was recently on a three hour flight seated next to this old guy. He struck up a conversation with me and a few minutes in told me about how his wife died last fall. I said something along the lines of “sorry for your loss” and he spent the next half hour or so telling me all the reasons why he wasn’t.
The phrase beats, “Sucks to be you”.
I do agree about that. My mother passed away when I was in Jr High and I got to a point where I was just about ready to scream, I heard so many people use that exact phrase. This was early 90’s in California and it was definitely a stock phrase in use in real life and not just on TV.
Looking back on it with more distance and less emotion, I’m not sure what else they could have said. I know that I’m often left speechless when someone passes away - I can’t stand to be repeating the stock phrases, but I have no clue what else to say.
I just lost my mother recently, heard that exact line from law enforcement officers, and heard it from others as well. It doesn’t bother me. People want to express some kind of sympathy, and that’s the standard line. I don’t see it as insincere, just as a function of our language not really having an adequate expression.
From cops and other professionals (fire fighters, medical personnel, etc),it’s even more awkward because they’re usually talking to complete strangers, delivering horrible news and have to do it in a way that is both professional and tactful. It’s not a fun part of their job.