A man is sitting by himself in a bar, drinking steadily, clearly not in a good mood. After draining his 4th beer, he slams the mug down and shouts “All Lawyers are assholes!”
A man gets up from across the room, approaches the shouter and says “Listen buddy, I find that deeply offensive - you’re gonna have to take that back.”
“What’s the matter? You a lawyer?”
“Hell no, I’m an asshole!”
Why did the lawyer have a bathtub in his office?
To soak his clients.
What’s brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman pinscher.
You are locked in a cage with a lion, a bear and a lawyer.
You have a gun but only two bullets.
What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
What do you know when you see a lawyer buried up to their neck in concrete?
There’s a shortage of concrete.
A blonde is talking with her doctor. “Doctor, can I get pregnant from anal sex?”
“Sure you can. Where do you think lawyers come from?”
You see your Ex Wife and your Lawyer in a croc infested river…
you have to make a choice. Do you…
Go for a meal or for drinks with friends
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, “I don’t understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids… I just don’t get it.”
“Well,” says the big alligator, “what have you been eating?”
“Lawyers, same as you,” replies the small alligator.
“Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?”
“Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp.”
“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?”
“Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!”
“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the crap out of a lawyer, there’s nothing left but lips and a briefcase.”
I tell that joke using DC instead of California.
An old man goes to the doctor and finds out he has two years to live. He immediately enrolls in law school. He graduates and takes the bar exam and gets the good results on his deathbed. The nurse asks him, why did you want become a lawyer, you won’t be around to practice and you wasted all that time and effort? The old man says “I tried to live my life so good things would come because I lived and now something good can happen because of my death” The nurse is puzzled and asks “What good thing will come about because of your death?” The old man says “One less lawyer”
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Who cares?
Very nice!
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits next to a lawyer. Figuring that she’s easy money, he says “Let’s play a game. I’ll ask you a question, and if you can’t answer it, you give me five dollars. Then you ask me a question, and if I can’t answer it, I give you five dollars.”
The blonde politely declines.
“OK, if I can’t answer, I’ll give you ten dollars.”
The blonde declines again.
“I’ll give you twenty dollars. Thirty. Fifty!”
To this the blonde agrees. The lawyer asks her “How many ounces in a kilogram?” The blonde just smiles and hands him a five dollar bill. “OK, now you ask me a question.”
The blonde asks “What has purple skin, eats green cheese, and does jumping jacks at midnight?”
The lawyer gets flustered and spends about 30 minutes on Google, but can’t find an answer. Frustrated, he says “I give up”, and hands the blonde fifty bucks.
Then he asks OK, what does have purple skin, eats green cheese, and does jumping jacks at midnight?"
The blonde just smiles and hands him another five dollar bill.
So a hooker gets engaged and is taking her fiancee home to meet her family. But she’s embarrassed to admit he’s a lawyer.
Why do lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskin from creeping over their faces.
What’s the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and no one else thinks they’re jokes.
One I’ve heard before, exact text cribbed from another site:
A wealthy man on his death bed called his three best friends-- his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer-- to make a final request. “Who knows what I will find on the other side? Just to be sure, I am giving you each one hundred thousand dollars and I ask that you place an envelope with that amount in my casket.” All three took the money and agreed to fulfill his wish.
He died soon thereafter and at the funeral each friend slipped an envelope into the casket. After the burial, the three walked together from the grave. The doctor said, “My friends, I have a confession to make; since the hospital was short of funds for treating the poor I only put 80, 000 dollars in the envelope and donated the other 20, 000 to our indigent fund.” The priest then said, “I too have to confess that I gave 50,000 dollars to the homeless and only put fifty thousand in the casket.”
The lawyer looked both his friends straight in the eye and said, “I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you failed to keep your solemn promise to our dear departed friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full 100, 000 dollars.”
Al Qaida manages to smuggle an action team into the US, and they take over the annual meeting of the American Bar Association.
Their leader calls for the news groups to send in one representative with a camera and a live feed to all the major networks, which is agreed to.
The leader steps to the podium and says: “If you do not release our Islamic brethren from Guantanamo Prison immediately and withdraw from Afghanistan, we will start releasing the hostages one by one.!”
Ok, this one was completely new to me, and may be my new favorite!
A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer were arguing about what the first profession was. The doctor says, “Eve was made from Adam’s rib. That’s surgery.”
The engineer says, “God created the world from chaos. That’s engineering.”
The lawyer says, “Ah, but who created the chaos?”
Another one. A minister’s on his death bed and asks to see two lawyers. When they arrive, he asks one to stand on each side of his bed, explaining that he wants to die like Christ did, “between two thieves.”
says “Fuck, we’re really lost now, aren’t we?”
Reminds me of this one:
In kindergarten, a boy tells the class that his father is a male prostitute. Alarmed at the possibility of an unhealthy home environment, his teacher and the principal schedule a meeting. He arrives on time for the meeting, and explains that he is not, in fact, a prostitute.
“He really looks up to me,” he says, “and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’m a lawyer.”