Lawyer Stories And/Or Jokes

In another thread, this comment was made to me after I objected to a direct insult thinly veiled as a “lawyer joke”:

Actually, I’m not at all offended by most lawyer jokes. I object when they are meant as a direct insult, or when they are vicious. For example, I did object strongly to a lawyer joke on the old SDMB that had as its punch line a suggestion that it was “open hunting season” on lawyers. I had a friend at Petit & Martin in San Francisco the day that nutcase walked in and started shooting up the place.

Direct insults and violence aside, the best tellers of lawyer jokes are other lawyers. So here’s a thread – have at it – post your best lawyer jokes! Here, I’ll start:
A little old lady walked into the main branch of a bank with a large paper bag and told the teller that she wished to open an account with $3 million in cash. First, though, she wished to meet the bank president. The teller, verifying the amount of money in the paper bag, telephoned the president’s office and received the okay to bring her in to meet him.

The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president’s office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a large amount of money. “Was it an inheritance?” he asked.

“No.” she answered.

“Was it from playing the stock market?”

“No.” she replied.

He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old lady could possibly come into $3 million. “May I inquire as to the source of these funds?”

“I bet.” she replied.

“You bet?” repeated the bank president, startled. “As in horses?”

“No.” she replied, “I bet people.”

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she place bets on different things with people. Grinning mischievously, she said, “I’ll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 o’clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square.”

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn’t see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference; he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00 o’clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day; how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing.
At 10:00 o’clock sharp, the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man’s purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved. “Well,” she asked, “what about our bet?”

“I don’t know how to tell you this,” he replied, “but I am the same as I’ve always been only $25,000.00 richer.”

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president agreed this was only fair, and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.

“What’s wrong with him?” he inquired.

“Oh him,” she replied, “I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 o’clock this morning that I’d have the bamk president by the balls.”

Have at it!


Phenomenal woman
Bitch Corporate Lawyer
That’s me

“I’ll never argue with a lawyer again.” – The Devil Himself.

Mel I hate to disappoint you but I think I only know one:

What do you call 2000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

Okay, LAME… I know! But it’s the only one I can think of… at the moment!


Here’s a lawyer story.

Several years ago my wife’s much older second cousin died unexpectedly and left her named as executrix of his estate.

We were young, dumb, and full of …well, anyway, we hadn’t dealt with this sort of thing before so getting a lawyer seemed like a prudent course of action. Seeing as how the estate was small and we didn’t have much extra money ourselves, we went to one of those “legal services” chains based soley upon the cost factor.

We were hooked up with a lawyer that was likeable, but very scatter-brained. This guy eventually performed the scant service that we needed performed although on more than one occasion we had to prod him or remind him of things.

The punchline is that this lawyer was SO scatter-brained and unorganized that he forgot to bill us for his services! No kidding! Can ya believe that? …and NO, this time I didn’t call to remind him!

It’s been years and we still have never received a bill…talk about your dumb luck!

Don’t worry about a thing, son. Why, I’ll have you out of this cell in two shakes. They got no case. No sir, no case at all. We’ll get through this as slick as a bucket of boiled okra. Ain’t a jury in the land that’ll convict. It’s a sure thing.
Meanwhile, try to escape.

This space for rent.

Here’s an anecdotal story I heard:

This guy steals a bunch of jewelry, gets arrested for theft. The guy goes to his lawyer, and the lawyer tells him, “Just give me half of what you stole, and I’ll get you off.” Deal.

Court date comes around and the lawyer tells the court, “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client is in no more possession of that jewelry than I am. I rest my case.”

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?

A sperm has a one in a million chance of becomming a human being!

Yer pal,

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

“Doctor,” she asks nervously, “can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?”

“Certainly,” replies the doctor, “Where do you think lawyers come from?”


“Believe those who seek the truth.
Doubt those who find it.” --Andre Gide

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

(The lawyers all know, the rest of you have to guess)

Lex Non Favet Delicatorum Votis

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are assholes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.

Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back!” The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”

Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Q. What’s the difference between a dead skunk on a highway and a dead lawyer on a highway?

A. There are skid marks leading up to the dead skunk.


A wealthy old man is about to die so he brings his three best friends together. A doctor, a lawyer, and a priest. He tells them that he wants to take his money with him, and as his last request he gives each of his friends $100,000 and asks them to drop it into his casket before he is buried.

After the old man dies, and his three best friends have each placed an envelope into the dead man’s casket, the three men are sitting in a bar talking about their friend.

The priest says “I need to confess my sins. The homeless shelter was in bad need of money. I couldn’t help myself. I had to do the Lord’s work. I only put in $60,000, and I gave the homeless shelter $40,000.”

The Dr. says “I have to confess something too. With malpractice insurance being so expensive, and my practice in financial trouble, I only put in $40,000, and I kept $60,000.”

The Lawyer exclaims “I’m surprised and embarassed by both of you! I put in the full $100,000… and he can cash my personal check whenever he wants!”


JBENZ: A rooster clucks defiance.

Two lawyers are walking down the street when a beautiful blonde woman passes them.
“Boy, would I ever like to fuck her!” says one.
“Out of what?” says the other.

My favorite lawyer joke:

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

Here’s one for you Melin: I had the world’s stupidest lawyer represent me at my divorce. He was so dumb that he did not insist on a retainer. Anyway, I wrote the whole agreement up, and the judge (a 70’ish rather vacant, possible imbecile) ok’ed the whole thing in less than 5 minutes. I got the bill (for 12 hours of work?). Anyway, I kept a record of all the mistakes he made, and told him I’d pay for 2 hours only-he threatened to sue me-I told him-go ahead!
We settled for $100.00

Did you hear about the lawyer who got hit by an automobile?
an ambulance backed up

“I’m just too much for human existence – I should be animated.”
–Wayne Knight

Hm. Let me get this straight. We’re suppose to tell lawyer jokes on this thread, but they can’t offend Melin, right? Most of the jokes so far have been about lawyers getting killed but she was deeply offended about the “party favors” joke listed at the top?! Um, am I the only one who sees the irony in that?

Come on, folks, I’m a law student and I got a million of 'em. I’m posting this from my carrel in the law library, as a matter of fact.

Why do lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskin from creeping over their faces.

A young lawyer has a massive heart attack on the golf course, and dies. He appears before St. Peter, mad as hell!
Lawyer to St. Peter: I demand to be sent back-I’m only 35 years old!!
Peter: we sometimes make mistakes…sit down, and I’ll pull your file…
5 Minutes later:
Peter: we pulled your billing records…according to that, you are 125!
Lawyer:…uh…oh…forget it

Nope, sorry Sax Face, doesn’t wash. I don’t see that “most” of the jokes on this thread are about lawyers being killed, first of all, and none of them are in the vein of encouraging people to go “hunting lawyers.”

And lawyer jokes that make a dig? Like I said, I object only when they are being used to directly insult someone. There’s a big difference.

Here’s another one:
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re and engineer – you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.” Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

On a lawyer joke scale, these would definetly be more harsh than the party joke. And I always thought biting humor was a nice part of this board - I think you’re being unnecessarily paranoid - I don’t think you need to take every comment personally.

How many times has Andros told me to bite him? Alphagene and others have insulted me and I don’t harp on it. It’s a message board for crying out loud. If I’m going to have to tiptoe around certain people and learn their individual qualms and issues, what’s the point of having various people with different opinions contribute? If this board becomes more censored, it’s going to be made up of the most boring people on the planet.

Well, here’s my contribution:
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.