In another thread, this comment was made to me after I objected to a direct insult thinly veiled as a “lawyer joke”:
Actually, I’m not at all offended by most lawyer jokes. I object when they are meant as a direct insult, or when they are vicious. For example, I did object strongly to a lawyer joke on the old SDMB that had as its punch line a suggestion that it was “open hunting season” on lawyers. I had a friend at Petit & Martin in San Francisco the day that nutcase walked in and started shooting up the place.
Direct insults and violence aside, the best tellers of lawyer jokes are other lawyers. So here’s a thread – have at it – post your best lawyer jokes! Here, I’ll start:
A little old lady walked into the main branch of a bank with a large paper bag and told the teller that she wished to open an account with $3 million in cash. First, though, she wished to meet the bank president. The teller, verifying the amount of money in the paper bag, telephoned the president’s office and received the okay to bring her in to meet him.
The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president’s office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a large amount of money. “Was it an inheritance?” he asked.
“No.” she answered.
“Was it from playing the stock market?”
“No.” she replied.
He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old lady could possibly come into $3 million. “May I inquire as to the source of these funds?”
“I bet.” she replied.
“You bet?” repeated the bank president, startled. “As in horses?”
“No.” she replied, “I bet people.”
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she place bets on different things with people. Grinning mischievously, she said, “I’ll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 o’clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square.”
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn’t see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference; he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00 o’clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day; how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing.
At 10:00 o’clock sharp, the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man’s purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved. “Well,” she asked, “what about our bet?”
“I don’t know how to tell you this,” he replied, “but I am the same as I’ve always been only $25,000.00 richer.”
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president agreed this was only fair, and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him?” he inquired.
“Oh him,” she replied, “I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 o’clock this morning that I’d have the bamk president by the balls.”
Have at it!
Bitch Corporate Lawyer
“I’ll never argue with a lawyer again.” – The Devil Himself.