A good friend helps you move; a really good friend helps you move the bodies.
I looked at my 401K balance yesterday. (It’s kind of a bad joke, which caused me to need this thread).
You can’t kill time without injuring eternity.
We’ll push you off that bridge when we come to it.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
I’m spent.
We’re also called consultants.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
What is life but an irritating interruption of peaceful non-existence.
Two guys walk into a bar. You’d think one of them would have seen it.
If you drop your keys in a river of molten lava, let them go, because man, they’re gone.
Guy walks into a bar with a handful of shit. “Look what I almost stepped in!” Hadn’t heard that for awhile, but it was on the Daily Show last night. For some reason, it really cracks me up!
You can’t have everything.
Where would you put it?
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. Bartender says “Hey, why the long face?”
It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Drive on the parkway, park in the driveway.
When does a building finally become a built?
It’s a small world. But I wouldn’t wanna paint it.
3 blondes walk into a bar, the redhead walked around it.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter, he won’t come anyway.
What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take him for a drag.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just 2, the trick is getting them in the lightbulb in the first place.
I met a man who said he hadn’t had a bite in weeks…so I bit him.
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?
You know why cannibals don’t eat clowns? They taste funny.
Sex with your clone = masturbation or incest?
Thank you. Thank you. Tip your waiters, I’ll be here all week…
…but not while they’re carrying trays. It makes a mess.
Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
How many priests does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Priests can’t screw.
What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? He gets taller.
Define the universe. Give three examples.
List 3 ways the world would be different today if George Washington had been born a horse.
If it weren’t for George Washington, I never would have spent that year in college.
Why do lawyers wear neckties? To hold back the foreskins.
Try the veal.
What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?
Sparky.
A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Clown walk into a bar. Bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke.”
General Motors doesn’t have a “help line” for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers – but imagine if they did…
Call No. 1
HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!”
HELPLINE: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”
CUSTOMER: “What’s an ignition?”
HELPLINE: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.”
CUSTOMER: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?”
Call No. 2
HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!”
HELPLINE: “Is the gas tank empty?”
CUSTOMER: “Huh? How do I know?”
HELPLINE: “There’s a little guage on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F.’ Where is the needle pointing?”
CUSTOMER: “It’s pointing to ‘E.’ What does that mean?”
HELPLINE: “It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.”
CUSTOMER: “What!? I paid $$12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”
Call No. 3
HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “Your car sucks!”
HELPLINE: “What’s wrong?”
CUSTOMER: “It crashed, that’s what went wrong!”
HELPLINE: “What were you doing?”
CUSTOMER: “I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed – and now it won’t start!”
HELPLINE: “It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?”
CUSTOMER: “I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn’t crash anymore!”
Call No. 4
HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.”
HELPLINE: “Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “How do I work it?”
HELPLINE: “Do you know how to drive?”
CUSTOMER: “Do I know how to what?”
HELPLINE: “Do you know how to drive?”
CUSTOMER: “I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!”