Never criticise a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticise him, you’re a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?” Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”
“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?”
Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy’s father said, “I’m actually a lawyer. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”
Live your life according the Canine Creed: If you can’t eat it or screw it, piss on it and walk away.
A zen master walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.”
I’ve got an uncle who’s allergic to cotton. He has pills for it, but he can’t get 'em out of the bottle.
No matter how much you practice at tennis, you’ll never be as good as a wall.
And a followup to the first one: The zen master hands the vendor $10, and waits. Finally, he asks, “Where’s my change?” The vendor says, “Change comes from within.”
So the zen master tries it on another vendor, who gives him two scoops of vanilla with nuts and chocolate fudge.
It’s an ice cream koan.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.
A man with one clock knows what time it is. A man with two clocks is never entirely sure.
That which does not kill you will probably require an extended hospital stay.
Police station toilet stolen:Cops have nothing to go on…
Also, a midget psychic escaped from prison. Police are searching for a small medium at large.
You can do whatever you want. You just have to accept the consequences.
Next time someone tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to inhale a Cadillac.
(And my own personal mantras):
One stumble does not a failure make.
Everything in moderation.
Why does Bin-Laden wear those robes instead of just a shirt and pants?
Camels can hear zippers.
How do you know if you’ve passed an elephant?
You can’t get the toilet seat down.
When feeling depressed, just remember – Paradise is exactly like where you are right now…only much, much better.
We all laughed at Grandpa as he fired up the old jalopy and headed into town, but Gramps had the last laugh when he returned with two hookers.
It takes a big man to cry
And it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
An escaped convict is thought to be hiding out in a wig factory. Police are combing the area.
I once spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
I intend to lie forever. So far, so good.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people above me are furious.
I saw a bank that said, “24 hour banking,” but I don’t have that kind of time.
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered french toast during the Renaissance.
[sub](Steven Wright always makes me feel better.)[/sub]
My favourite to roll around in my head periodically:
Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
I’m not sure why I find it so fascinating.
A pedophile, a drunk and a priest walked into a bar…and then another man walked in!
Did you hear about the church down the street that caught fire and burned up! Holy smoke!