Since it was I who made the quote in the OP, I should chime in here.
The “lawyer joke” that Melin found offensive was the following.
It was neither encouraging the death of lawyers, nor directed at you Mel. Doesn’t DavidB work with lawyers? I don’t know, maybe you took it too personally.
Oooops, just read the posts where Ed Zotti instucts posters not to challenge Melin on anything. I’m so sorry for bringing up an issue with you! In the future, I will not respond to anything you contribute.
ROFLMAO! Dang, does this mean I have to get a new screen name?
You don’t get it, guys. I don’t mind lawyer jokes, as long as they are not meant as direct insults, and as long as they don’t encourage actual violence against lawyers (you know what? That’s a good rule of thumb regardless of who the joke is directed against). I took David B’s comment that Alphagene is referring to as a direct insult, given its context and timing, and in light of all the challenges, now behind us, that I had recently made to board management. If I was wrong, I apologize – but I don’t think I was.
Sax Face, I count three jokes in this list so far that involve a dead lawyer; that hardly qualifies as “most.” And none of them, again, are encouraging people to go out “hunting lawyers,” which is the specific joke I was referring to.
And I am totally missing your reference to my being offended by a “party favors” joke? Huh? What joke? Can anybody help me out here?
Wait a minute – 23 posts in, and not one joke advocating violence? I can fix that.
There was once a truck driver who hated lawyers - if he saw one when he was driving, he would swerve out of his way to hit him. The sound of the dull, hard thump made him happy.
One day, he picked up a priest he saw by the side of the road - the padre had been visiting parishioners when his car broke down, and he needed a ride into town to get a repair truck. On the way, the truck driver spotted a lawyer, and veered the truck towards the attorney in an attempt to run him down. Suddenly he remembered who was in the truck with him, and at the last moment, swerved to miss the lawyer. Still, a second later, he heard the familiar dull, hard thump.
The priest asks, “Son, did you try to hit that attorney?” Embarrassed, the truck driver decides to confess. “Oh, Father, I did, but at the last second I swerved away.” The priest smiled and said, “Don’t worry, my son. I got him with the door.”
Once, when Abraham Lincoln was a circuit-riding lawyer, he was screening prospective jurors. He asked them if they knew the lawyer for the other side. It turned out four or five of them did know the opposing counsel; then the judge interrupted.
“Mr. Lincoln, you are wasting the time of the court. The mere fact that a prospective juror knows your opponent does not disqualify him.”
Lincoln answered, “That’s true, Your Honor. But I’m afraid that some of these gentlemen might not know him, which would place me at a disadvantage.”
“If you drive an automobile, please drive carefully–because I walk in my sleep.”–Victor Borge
Q:You know why sharks won’t bite lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Actually, I am a lawyer and I have a friend who’s a carpenter. Anybody know any carpenter jokes I can fire back at him, because he’s already hit me with most of the lawyer jokes posted here.
Here’s a lawyer story. It’s true. It isn’t particularly funny, but it explains part of why I decided not to go to law school.
I was working in an environmental law firm as a “legal assistant”, aka photocopy machine operator. These people weren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer; let’s just say they went out of business doing Superfund litigation, which is next to impossible. The firm’s HQ was in DC, but they set up a satellite office in New Jersey so they could practice there.
So our sole New Jersey-based lawyer called me up and asked me to send her something Federal Express. I told her that I didn’t think we used Federal Express. She said, That’s ridiculous everyone uses Federal Express. So I said I’d ask around and figure it out.
My supervisor, aka the lowest-ranking hack at the firm, told me that since we hadn’t paid our bill in months, Fed Ex wasn’t serving us any more. I said, Oh, that’s good to know, I’ll just tell our lawyer in NJ. She said, Oh my god you can’t do that! No one outside the firm must know of our [crappy] financial situation.
Err, okay, but I thought she was in the firm, said I. Over the next few weeks, my stupidity wore off, and I figured out that it wasn’t a matter of who was in the firm and who was outside the firm. This firm simply deceived anyone and everyone they could as a matter of policy.
Anyway, I eventually left the firm since my paychecks started coming in late. I’ve avoided the profession ever since.
Nothing I write about any person or group should be applied to a larger group.
Carpenter jokes? Break out the sunscreen, we’re goin’ to Cuba!
Pinocchio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating their passions. “Every time we make love,” she said " I get splinters."
So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask for advice. “Sandpaper my boy, that’s what you need,” was the carpenter’s response.
A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinocchio again.
“How are you getting on with the girls now?” he asked.
“Who needs girls?” replied Pinocchio.
St. Peter had been busy checking people into heaven all day, and really had to use the restroom. Jesus came by, as he and God often did, and asked him how he was doing. St. Peter told him of his discomfort. “No problem, Peter, just tell me what I need to do.” “Well lord, all you need to do is ask them what they did in life and if they left any family behind.” “Okay Peter, take your time. I’ll take it from here.” A few minutes later an old man came up to the desk. “What did you do in life?” Jesus inquired. “I come from a long line of carpenters,” the man replied. This took Jesus somewhat my surprise. “My father was a carpenter! Did you have any family?” “Yes, just one son,” the man replied. “One son? Well, did that son have any identifying marks?” “Yes, he had holes in his hands and feet.” Thinking God was playing another practical joke, Jesus could contain himself no longer. “Hi Dad! I know it’s you” he exclaimed. The old man brightened. “Pinocchio?”
A carpenter on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers working on the first floor. He yells down to him and gets the laborer’s attention, but the man can’t hear the carpenter from so far. So, the carpenter uses signs. He points to his eye, meaning, “I.” Then at his knee, meaning, “need.” Then moves his hands back and forth, meaning, “handsaw.”
The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, “What the hell is wrong with you! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed you to bring me a handsaw!”
The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, "I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I’m coming
What do Bill Clinton and a carpenter have in common? One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.
A major publishing firm sent their top humorist out on the road for 30 days, in order to put together a compilation of the best lawyer jokes throughout the country. But the humorist came back totally dejected, and was immedately asked what was wrong. “All the ‘jokes’ turned out to be true stories”.
God was walking along the border separating heaven from hell. At one spot the fence which separates heaven and hell was falling apart. God called Lucifer over and told him to fix the fence. Lucifer refused. God told Lucifer that he would take him to court. Lucifer started to laugh and God asked him why he was laughing. Lucifer replied “Where are you going to find a lawyer on your side?”… Life Lesson #37: Never let a child hold a cat and an electric razor at the same time.
A guy goes to the doctor to find the cause of his terrible headaches.
The Doctor says “I’ve got some bad news… you have a condition that is fatal if not treated. The god news is that there is a new treatment involving transplanting brain tissue, but more bad news is that it is very expensive.”
The man says that if there is no other hope he will sacrafice the money he has saved to try to continue his life, but wants to know how expensive it is.
The doctor responds… “the cheapest is if we transplant general blue collar brain… that is $5,000 per ounce. Next is mid level management for $10,000 per ounce. We also have physician’s brains for $50,000 per ounce, or even Nobel prize winner’s brain for $100,000 per ounce. If you really want to splurge we have Lawyer’s brains for $1,000,000 per ounce.”
The man responds “that is a lot of money, and most of it makes sense… but why so much for the Lawyer’s brains?”
The doctor looks up and responds “Do you have any idea how many Lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”
A lawyer is talking on his car phone, runs a red light and gets run over by a truck. He crawls out of the wreckage and begins screaming “My Lexus!!! My Lexus!!! My god you ruined my Lexus!!!”
A bystander runs up and says "you stupid lawyer, you ran the red light! Besides, you’re so hung up on your possesions that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off at the elbow in the crash!
The lawyer looks down at his left arm, lets it sink in and starts screaming “My God, my Rolex!!!”
I think this one adheres to the rules of the thread…
A lawyer wakes up in the niddle of the night to find Lucifer perched on the footboard. He rubs his eyes and asks what’s up.
Lucifer says "I’ve got a deal for you. I’ve got some guys I don’t like. You win a class action lawsuit against them. I guarantee it won’t go to trial. You will win $498 million without having to do any work. In exchange, your family dies in a accident next year; you are the sole survivor.
The lawyer asks, “What’s the catch?”
As for carpentry, I dunno. Maybe “Measure twice, cut once. Then shim.”…?
