Leave it to The Onion to quell a lot of "Great" Debates...

From The Onion:

Legislators Still Concerned About Key Non-Issues

WASHINGTON, DC–With Americans increasingly concerned about the Social Security crisis and nuclear threats abroad, a coalition of leading congressmen restated their long-standing commitment Monday to such non-issues as flag-burning, school prayer and Internet porn. “Make no mistake, Congress is still deeply committed to these inconsequential matters,” Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) said. “As long as we are in office, we will continue to clog up the legislative process with this trivial dross.” Hatch said citizens should feel free to e-mail his office with any other non-issues they feel are being overlooked.

Yer pal,

And that 7-year-old girl who died trying to pilot a Cessna across the continent! Don’t forget about her, Congressmen! She was a cute seven-year-old girl! You Congressmen don’t hate cute 7-year-old girls, do you?!!

And don’t forget to keep peeking into the bedrooms of people you don’t like! (While ignoring well-known affairs of those who are your allies.)

My school lunch isn’t hot enough. Do something about it.

Dammit, if Congress would just pass a mandatory school uniform amendment, all these other issues would go away.

Yeah! And don’t forget putting up the Ten Commandments (King James Version only of course) in all the classrooms so the little dears will stop doing drugs and shooting each other and watching “South Park” & stuff.

Lex Non Favet Delictorum Votis

Dagnabbit, Benz, they need to use the time honored Coverdale translation. None of this modernist King James crap! :slight_smile:

No, Poly, the Geneva translation is the one. And use the original script, as well. The younguns will be so busy trying to decipher “f” from “s” and “v” from “u” that they won’t have time to do bad things.

The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. – E. Grebenik

Man, can’t forget about the school uniform issue. Come on, people! Teenagers’ right to EXPRESS THEMSELVES is at stake here!

It’s the Beatles’ fault… them and their long hair. If we hadn’t let them in the country, we wouldn’t be in the fix we’re in now. Tighten up the immigration laws! Keep them foreigners out! … unless they support the NRA, of course, then it’s OK to let them in.

Yeah, and while you’re at it, do something about the water levels in our toilets! If I see one more bowl full of water…I’ll…

Oh, wait…never mind.

How about passing a law to force subliminal messages containing the 10 Commandments into all Beatles recordings?

I wish they’d some something about Halloween. My kids get to dress up at school in devil costums, but godless deny us our creationism.

Oh yeah, and what about all of those Mexicans speaking spanish at the grocery store? I think they’re talking about me!


And gays in the military! We can’t allow those filthy, immoral homosexuals to get shot at and die! That’s a privilege reserved only for us God-fearing heterosexuals.

Pi has too many digits.
– Sylence

And now, for my next trick, I will talk in spooky half-references.

Sylence: Pi has too many digits.

One state legislature agreed. They passed a law stating that pi would be 3 period.


Not quite, AWB. Check out http://www.snopes.com/spoons/faxlore/pi.htm

If you’re thinking of the recent claim, it was a hoax. If you’re thinking of Indiana, their House passed a similar measure back in 1897, but it died in the Senate (thus it was never passed as a law). The site doesn’t mention what the value was, but my memory tells me it wasn’t 3, but 3.1 or something.

You know who’s fault it is, it’s all those damn midgets… “little people” my ass, they’re midgets… when they stopped being the fodder for jokes and taunting this whole country went to hell in a handbag!

Magnificent to behold - Greatly to be praised.

David B wrote, re Indiana’s old proposed pi bill:

Worse. It would have have FOUR distinct values, under the “theories” that that particular bill would’ve put in Indiana’s school textbooks.

The whole thing was basically a scam perpetrated by one man. He came up with his own hair-brained “alternative mathematics” theories (such as how to square a circle with only a compass and straightedge), and then told the Indiana Legislature that he’d give them all patent rights to his theories if they’d put it in their school’s mathematics texts. Thankfully, that bible passage about a molten sea 10 cubits across and 30 cubits around was NOT the motivation for the deal.

Quick-N-Dirty Aviation: Trading altitude for airspeed since 1992.

I don’t think it’s fair to place the blame for all of our nation’s problems on midgets. After all, they’re only a small percentage of our population.
(Hanging my head in shame for actually having stolen a joke from Rip Taylor.)