That realtor must be really used to the “stereotypical” black families who are really into loud prints and vibrant colors. In my experience, most folks know how to tone down a theme, but I do remember one childhood friend whose parents were really into the “black and gold and animal prints paired with a vibrant purple/red/gold wall” motif. At that point, I just thought that the individual parental units had bad taste, and didn’t realize it was considered “common”. This was, however, the early 1990s, so almost everyone who didn’t outfit their home conservatively was doing something wacky with the decor.
Our current house pins us down as young white folks with an affinity for Scandinavian and Asian art, musical instruments, random creepy stuff, and books. It’s not quite eccentric/eclectic, so I’d probably call it “sophisticated weird”.
V-mom comes across as incredibly naive and daft in this one, even though her comment is insulting in a backhanded sort of way. Having heard the story, I’d assume that V-mom is really sweet normally, but probably has the brainpower of a dead battery.
I occasionally get the “you look so nice/exotic/pretty” comments when I wear makeup. In fact, I do remember getting a lot of “wow, she looks so different” in a positive manner at my brother’s wedding a few years back; since I was a bridesmaid, I ended up getting my hair and makeup done professionally. It’s not that it’s a backhanded compliment as much as it evokes a reaction of “so I guess I’m generic or unnoticeable without the makeup?” instead of “thanks!”
Kind of like the fact that my first name is Cherijo and often when I apply for a job they are surprised to find out I’m caucasian?
True Story:
I was once called in to interview at a company in a very non-diverse bedroom community. The woman seemed puzzled when she first met me, but I brushed it off and we went in to a group interview.
After several questions and once she seemed more relaxed with me, she finally asked, “Do you ever worry that you don’t get called in for interviews because of your name?”
I looked at her for a moment and thought about it and said, “Well, if they don’t want to hire me because of my name - then they aren’t the kind of company I’m interested in working for anyway so they are doing me a favor.”
She nodded and the interview ended shortly thereafter. It was then that I noticed as we walked out that in this massive cubicle village I could only spot only a handful of non-white employees - one of each ethnic origin.
I’ve always wondered what reverse discrimination concern they were hoping to solve with hiring a non-white me.
Yet another of the “you used to be so fat” remarks: In 1974 I lost about 75 pounds. A coworker went on and on about how wonderful it was that I had lost so much weight, and she ended by saying “Maybe now you’ll be able to find a husband, hon.”
I occasionally wondered what my best man meant when he said during his toast, “If ever two people deserved each other…”
Particularly since he had actually known my bride longer than he had known me. And no, they had never dated.
On the subject of last names, my last name sounds Native American (think Runningdeer but not quite that obvious) and there have been any number of times when people who were meeting me for the first time after seeing my name beforehand expressed the opinion that I “didn’t look Native American.” I even once got a call from someone who was organizing an exhibit at my office for Native American Month asking if I was interested in helping to organize it.
That’s too funny. I can just imagine the conversation–
“We have a ‘Cherijo’ coming in to interview for the position.”
“Cherijo?”
“Yes. And she’s remarkably articulate!”
I’ll try and explain:
If you comment on my weight, that means you are noticing my weight. My weight is none of your business. It is rude to make comments to people on the size of their ass, whether it’s too big or just formerly too big. It means that you’re concerning yourself with their weight, which again, is none of your business.
As you know, the weight issue is culturally loaded. And a hell of a sore subject for some people. “Your compliment” assumes that thinner=good, and fatter=bad.* Many people don’t want to be reminded that they were formerly “bad.” Especially since they’re well aware that it’s quite likely that they’ll regain the weight that they lost eventually, and will again go back to being (and looking) “bad.”
And “complimenting” someone like that assumes that the person was trying to lose weight in the first place! They might not have been. I’m sure we’ve heard horror stories like the following: “Oh, you lost so much weight! What’s your secret?” “Chemotherapy.” It’s rare, but it happens.
You can comment on someone’s weight if and only if the person brings it up to you first. If the person has discussed his or her diet with you, then you can mention it. If the person says “I’ve lost 370 pounds!” you can mention it. But otherwise, don’t.
If you do want to pay the person a compliment, just say “Wow, you look great!”
Now THAT’S a compliment with no “baggage.”
If they respond with “thank you,” then don’t mention the weight loss. If they respond with “Thanks. I lost a ton of weight!” then you can say “That’s wonderful! I noticed you looked thin! How did you do it?”
An anecdote, which only sort of relates, but it does fit into the “backhanded compliment” theme: My former MIL used to always “compliment me on my weight loss.” Every time I saw her, she’d swoon and carry on over how much weight I’d lost. Except that I had never lost any weight! The message that she was imparting was threefold:
You’re too fat, and I’m making it my business.
I’m assuming that you’re trying to lose weight because after all, who wouldn’t try if they were as fat as you!
Even if I sincerely believed that you had lost weight and wasn’t just trying to passive-agressively dick on you about your fat ass, then that means that I remembered you as being a hell of a lot fatter than you are.
After demurring a bunch of times (“oh, I haven’t lost any weight…I don’t really like to talk about it…”) didn’t work…I finally got right up into her grill about it. And that’s the only time I ever did that. I said “Arlene, every time you see me, you comment on my weight. My weight is none of your business. It’s my business, and to some extent, it’s Jeff’s business, but it’s not your business. I don’t want to ever hear you say another word about my weight. Ever.” And would you believe she never said another word about it?
Most people, including myself, would generally agree, since more of us are overweight than underweight.
Several years ago, a gay friend of mine wanted a date for some event. I agreed to go with him and he talked me into letting him dress me up (he had money . . . or was it just a generous boyfriend?).
Now, I’m a dyke and a rather dykey dyke at that. At the time, I had long hair, but I’d still make most folks gaydar ping rather loudly. Sensible shoes, anyone?
So. He took me around the mall (where we worked) and bought me a dress, shoes, and hose. Took me to have hair and make up done. After we we’re all dressed up, he took me to the store where we worked to show me off.
The one guy (a bit of a redneck type jerk) – his eyes bugged out and he was totally floored. I can’t remember the exact words, but it was definitely full of back-handed compliments. I appreciated the girl’s reaction a bit more: “You look like a hooker.” I did, too. Or like a guy in drag. :rolleyes:
In high school and college, I always had people telling me I’d be more attractive and get more dates (I wasn’t out yet) if I’d just:
A) Wear makeup.
B) Wear more feminine clothes.
C) Do up my hair.
D) Any or all of the above.
(Coming out was wonderful. I went from being a homely straight woman to being a damn fine-looking dyke. )
A (still) good friend in college once told me in a complementary tone.
“You’re like a blackhole.”
“huh?”
“You take everything in but I have no idea what’s going on inside.
From what i’ve seen it’s fun, interesting … and probably best observed from some distance.”
I apologize that I somehow missed this post earlier. I think you’ve nailed it precisely.
There are several people here on the board who have met me in person and can testify to this, but I don’t have any real “urban” inflections or speech patterns, despite having grown up in South Central LA. I can recall other black kids in elementary school telling me I sounded white.
My friend in the story I related definitely knew other black kids our age, but I didn’t sound like they did. The “clean, articulate” commentary about Obama made me both shake my head and chuckle because I’ve had that sort of label used on me. I feel like I really should be offended, but it doesn’t bother me. I’m not sure what that says about me.
ETA: I’m also left-handed, and the thread title offends me as well.
Okay, okay, okay!! I get it - I’m blonde and I said “left-handed compliment” when I should have said “back-handed compliment” :smack: :smack: :smack:
I promise - I’m left handed! Here - I’ll prove it.
Here’s my theme song (sung to Madonna’s ‘Material World’)
Living in a Right-Handed world
But I’m a left-handed girl
Yes we are living in a right-handed world
But I’m a left handed girl . . .
Hold your pencil, hold your scissors,
Hold your bat this way.
If you do not use your right hand
You must go away.
You can beg and you can plead
But you must use your right, that’s right
Cause if you should use the other
You’ll be shot on sight
'cause we are
Living in a right-handed world
But I am a left-handed girl
You know that we are living in a right-handed world
But I am left-handed girl.
Even mice and even keyboards
Made the right-hand way
If you want to use your left hand
You must click to change.
Some stores try and some can buy
Some things for your left hand
But its never universal
That’s the right hand plan
Cause I am living in a right-handed world
But I am a left-handed girl.
You know that we are living in a right-handed world
But I am a left-handed girl.
Some day when I rule the world
The left hand will be right
And the current right-hand man
Will be left from the fight.
Cause I am living in a right-handed world
But I am a left-handed girl.
You know that we are living in a right-handed world
But I am a left-handed girl.
Meh. I too thought this thread was going to be about how cool we southpaws are.
Re the actual OP, I get a few backhanded compliments based on my appearance - I have dyed red hair, a facial piercing, and dress mostly ‘normally’ but with a hint of rock chick thrown in. My favourites:
‘Wow, you have such beautiful eyes. If you weren’t so weird looking with that hair you’d be really beautiful.’ (Yeah, several guys would beg to differ there, monkey boy )
‘Wow, you’re really nice!’ (said by people who think I’m a baby eating Satanist only to find out I’m actually quite a gentle little soul when I want to be. I also get surprised remarks on being ‘smart’ from my dad’s friends when they meet me in the pub, because of course looking like me I gots to be teh thick.)
I have that type of fierce thinking face that makes people in the street tell me to cheer up, even when I’m thinking about making love on a bed of flowers under a rainbow, so it’s usually the latter one I get. But then I work as security in a bar now so that comes in useful as well.
Not exactly what the OP was looking for, but I love this story so I’m telling it anyway.
I’ll skip the long setup to this, but when I was working in Japan I once had cause to say to my American coworker: “I’m going to ask you something and I want you to tell me the truth because I need to know: Do I look like a Russian hooker?”
(I was one of maybe three white women in town who wasn’t either an American military wife or a Russian sex-trade worker.)
“No, dude,” he said (he was from California and called everyone ‘dude’), “You don’t look Russian at all.”
I almost fell over!
He escaped my wrath because I knew he wasn’t trying to “burn” me. He was a very sweet guy but who himself admitted that he often put his foot in his mouth when talking to women. Once I’d recovered myself, I calmly explained why his answer did not exactly address the question I’d been asking.
I’ll admit to one I accidentally gave. A friend of mine wrote a song and played it for a group of us. It was pretty good and all of us were complementing her on it. My well chosen comment? “I’ve heard worse on the radio.” I didn’t get to live that one down for a bit.
You look really different with contacts! (Is that bad, good, or like an alien?!)
You should go out on a date with [vague acquaintance], she hasn’t dated anybody in a couple years. (So she won’t be disappointed by me?)
You actually look kinda nice in a tux! (Actually, kinda, and nice…)
Answering phones today and during my old fast food drive-thru job: You have a good voice. You should be on the radio! (I keep picturing the over-the-top DJ, which is especially annoying when you’re trying to make a serious business call.)
Equally annoying: Wow, you look a lot different than I pictured you when we talked on the phone. (Again “different” which is so reassuring.)
I would have never guessed that you were so good with computers! (Usually during some minor effort, always by a well meaning person, but I can’t shake the knuckle-dragging image in my head.)
Generally, they’re meant to be good, but they just come out the wrong way. Of course, you only notice these things when you’re already in a grumpy mood, too. :dubious:
