If all your friends and relations tell you that your boyfriend is a jerk, HE’S A JERK!!! It’s not that they just don’t understand him or that they don’t know him the way you do – HE’S A JERK. Love is not just blind, it’s stupid.
Please accept my deepest sympathies for your father. I lost my grandfather two weeks ago, and I’m feeling the loss today as well (He helped raise me at one point.). If you want to talk about it, my email is in my profile.
My lessons:
- Sometimes, even if you love someone very much, you just have to cut ties. Whoever coined the phrase “Love conquers all” never had to deal with a personality disorder.
- Risk-taking isn’t just a good idea; it is vital to discovering yourself, your limits and the world.
- Being hurt in life, love, body, and spirit is not the end of the world. It’s a natural consequence of risk-taking, and it will help you grow.
- Being a nice person and being a good person are two very different things.
- When they tell you to wash whites separately, they aren’t kidding.
Don’t touch the electric fence. You will probably not enjoy it.
If you already know you’re in trouble, don’t try to make the judge laugh.
Do not try to make nice and keep up a correspondence with former loves. They will only continue to aggravate you and remind you why you broke up with them in the first place.
Custom inspectors have zero sense of humor. If you try to make funny, you’ll be pulled aside and searched.
When your boss says he wants to see you immediately, he really means that he wants you to put on pants, then see him immediately.
Kludges don’t save you time in the long run.
Floss.
Don’t start a month-long project the week before it’s due.
If you start a month-long project the week before it’s due, don’t have it be the week your significant other comes up to visit you.
Wish I knew that before I told the customs inspector “Betcha’ can’t guess where I hid the balloon!!”
You know, the hell of it is that they didn’t even believe me later when I told them that I was just joking and there really was no balloon. I wish they had; it would have saved them a few hours. If I were a customs agent, I’d probably realize that there’s only so far someone could place . . . oh, never mind . . .
Let’s just say that I don’t get turned on by people in uniform anymore.
Gravity may be a theory, but testing it using your own body can be very costly and painful.
Wild and crazy guys can be exciting, until you realize the one you are dating really is crazy, and not in a good way.
Don’t waste time giving advice to someone who doesn’t ask for it–at best they’ll ignore you and at worst they’ll just tell you to mind your own business. (That’s my advice anyway.)
If you’re missing your thimble, DO NOT use your fingernail.
You wouldn’t think a needle could puncture a nail
going backwards.
Then again, I was trying to fix the seam of a naugahide chair that split.
If the party runs out of beer, do NOT switch to peach schnapps.
Do not sit on the topmost rung of the ladder.
I’m not sure how, but I landed on my feet. Thank god for the cat like reflexes.
Jack
Do not co-sign a loan for anyone. If you think you won’t get burned, you are delusional. If asked to co-sign a loan for someone, Do what Nancy Reagan advised in another situation–Just Say No.
She might be fertile. 
Unbreakable, lifetime warranty, and I’ll always love you are all lies.
Don’t get in bed with anyone who is crazier than you are.
No matter how small the paint job, put down a dropcloth.
The smoothness of a drive decreases in inverse proportion to the importance of timeliness.
No airplane is impressed with the ratings in your log book.
Your motorcycle will not start on the first kick if anyone is watching.
There can always be a worse nightmare.
Do not let relatives ‘build flying time’ in your airplane.
When you are 100’ in the air behind the ski boat on your first kite flight, the friend joking around with the knife will to cut the rope just to see what happens…
The ‘savage sea’ isn’t. It is indifferent.
Having worked briefly in the carpet cleaning business: just say no to rugs.
The paraffin (kerosene) pressure lamp illuminating your Dad’s garage needs the occasional pump to keep it burning brightly. Steady it by holding the fuel tank while you do this, not by the metal chimney, which is just inches above a blue-hot flame and marginally shy of red hot.
Never try to get a job through the State Employment Office. Never set foot in the SEO.
Don’t say bad things about your co-workers to your other co-workers. And if your co-workers are saying bad things about your other co-workers, leave so it doesn’t look like you’re a part of it.