Lessons you learned the hard way...

Some sadistic company makes brown soap that looks like a chocolate cake. (And the most loving mother in the world is incapable of resisting offering said soap to her offspring as cake)

100% cocoa chocolate bars aren’t meant to be eaten like chocolate bars are normally eaten.

Go to the toilet before you take a very long walk with a few aquaintances.

If you have an affair with a married man, not only is he cheating on his wife, but he’s probably cheating on you, too.

I do things the hard way. Everything. It’s my motto and I’ve even considered getting the letters IDTTHW tattooed on me before.

If you walk through a forest of red flags because you want the relationship, you’re going to be beaten with every single one of those red flags on the way out.

Correllary; Wanting love is not the same thing as being in love.

You think all these scars look impressive? Boy, you should see the ones on the inside.

The easiest way to wind up in the middle of your life not liking who you are is to live your life being what others expect you to be.

This applies to both men and women of course. As a former cheater once said to me " once a cheater always a cheater. " I’m not sure if this is true but I have enough real life and anecdotal experience to believe it.

I have had sex with said female and she almost said it as if she was somehow resigned to her fate. I don’t know if she is still cheating, we have been out of touch for a few years.

I should add that I do feel bad about it to this day, mainly because he seems to be a good guy.
If he was a dirtbag, not so much.

Mayonnaise expiration dates do not have a six-month grace period.

If something tastes different than you know it should, you shouldn’t eat the rest of it, even if it doesn’t taste all that bad.

I come from a long matrilineal line of women who have fridges that, if you want to eat anything out of them, you should check the expiration date first. It was true of my grandmother’s fridge, and it is true of my fridge and my mom’s fridge.

If you’re deciding between two job offers, don’t just follow the money. Consider stuff like which job takes your career in the direction you want to go and how long your commute will be, too.

You can’t make yourself love someone, even if he/she’s perfect for you “on paper” and you can’t put into words why he/she doesn’t do it for you.

Yes, he definitely will tell all his friends.

Credit cards are expensive.

a 3.0 litre engine drinks more fuel than a 1.8 litre engine.

Don’t mess with a pimple till you think it’s ready. Even then, wait a little longer.

Just because you love doing something, doesn’t mean you’re any good at it.
And even if you’re good at it, doesn’t mean you can make a living at it.

Flossing can be an expensive thing not to do.

A broken arm will not just “go away on its own.”

If the shoes hurt when you put them on in the morning, they’re going to hurt a lot worse by the end of the day.

He’ll never be able to read your mind – say what you want!

Sometimes forcing a fart can have unexpected results.

Pay a little more to do something right the first time. Repairs are often more expensive than the original project.

When the transmission light comes on and your husband says it’s okay to drive the vehicle, listen to the light, not the husband.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

When coloring your own hair, keep it simple. If you screw it up, either live with it or have a profesesional fix it. Do not attempt to fix it on your own.

If you’re not sure you’re in the right major during your sophomore year, don’t stick it out two more years.

If you don’t say anything, people will continue to do what’s bugging you. If you do say something, it won’t make a difference 90% of the time anyhow.

Long distance relationships suck. If you can make it work, then it can survive anything, but it still royally effing sucks.

It is not normal to suffer from annual burnout. It’s a sign you need help.

If an attactive girl is showing you attention - worry.

If someone asks you if you’re a god, say “Yes!”

A bad relationship is like an enraged grizzlie bear. If you manage to get away from it, do NOT look back.

A condom that is not yours is someone else’s.

Do not end a 6-month long low-fat vegetarian diet by visiting KFC.