Lanolin tastes bad :smack:
Stoves are hot.
I talk too much.
Farting and shitting are often too similar for comfort.
Open a bag with the knife facing away from you.
Dont insult prostitutes on a dark alley at night. (this has a story which I can share later)
Unprotected sex is very nerve-wracking the day after.
Dont start fights while drunk…
Hiking alone in the woods can be dangerous.
. . .
I could go on for a long time sadly.
Fat people shouldn’t play volleyball.
Auto, you want to share anything about ladles?
Let’s see here.
Finishing a 3-liter bottle of wine between you and one other person is a BAD idea.
Drinking heavily and getting in to a fight is ALSO a bad idea. (Oops, Auto got that one already)
Check which side of the knife you’re pressing your thumb against BEFORE you start cutting.
Broken glass can indeed be really sharp.
Don’t set things on fire in your bed, and then lie to your about why the house smells like smoke. (At least I didn’t ACTUALLY burn anything down)
Do not pretend to staple your thumb without first ensuring the stapler is empty.
Pencils are surprisingly sharp, especially when you fall on them or throw them. On the up side, they look surprisingly cool sticking out of your skin like an empty flag pole.
Dance Marathon at UF makes you want to die.
I’m sure I could ALSO come up with more…
They should only be used for cooking 
Gravel in a fishtank is good, but not if it’s made of limestone. Because that kills the poor little fishies.
Whoops.
Gunpowder poured into a pile, lit with a match, and gently blown on doesn’t just fizzle in a cool way like they said it would.
When they say that you should accelerate into a sharp curve, that doesn’t mean to just floor it half way through.
If you hold onto a baby gerbil by the tail and they’re pulling really hard in another direction (trying to go into a hole in my pants) their tail will come off.
Poor little stumpy.
Location, location, location.
If she dedicates the song “Good Girls Don’t” on the radio to you, maybe she wants to be more than just friends.
Related: If you’re both lying togther in her bed, maybe she wants to be more than just friends.
(Unfortunately, I’ve got more like this).
If your boyfriend is chronically late, don’t show up early.
Especially if you’re meeting him on a street corner.
In the sketchy part of town.
At 2 am.
And don’t want to be mistaken for a hooker.
No, I’m not working
Hmmm… Don’t suppose you can tell us the rest of Autolycus’s story, now can you?
You will never fill an inside straight!
what’s funny is that this didn’t make my list only because we figured out beforehand that the results of such an experiment would no doubt create an impressive flame.
No matter how delicious it is, super-hot chili three days in a row is a bad idea.
Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. Use an oven mitt.
Damn straight it did. I have no idea how high because my best friend and I couldn’t see for close to two minutes afterward. Our other friend who was always somehow the dumbest yet the wisest sat in a truck about 100 yards away that night. He was visibly shaken when we regained our sensibilities. He swears that about 3 oz of black powder made a flame about 20 feet high and 10 feet wide all around us and he broke out in tears trying to figure out what to say to our parents. We didn’t have any permanent damage but that was a (rural) legend destroyed.
Capsaisins are not completely digested in the gut.
Make sure the cinch on the mule’s saddle is tight before you start down that steep grade. (Four broken ribs on that one.)
When taking third-world trains, pay the extra $4.00 to ride in first class.
Always carry a shovel in the back of the jeep during the rainy season.
Let someone else take the bats out of the nets.
Pay off the expedition porters the morning you leave the village after the trip, not the night before. (That is, if you don’t want to be kept up all night by drunken revelry, and if you want the boatman who will take you back to civilization to be sober.)
If it is on the stove and the stove has recently or is currently on, assume it will be very hot.
Bicycles do skid on ice just like cars, and you should just go ahead and believe your friend who says so in advance.
Trust your gut: if he seems creepy/sleazy/not worth it, he probably is creepy/sleazy/not worth it.
Back up important documents regularly.
A combination of college students, alcohol, and the phrase, “Hey, wouldn’t it be awesome if we _____” is more likely to end up in a trip to the ER than awesomeness.
No matter how tasty it is do not consume a quarter-pound of cheese in one sitting.
Wear gloves when chopping habeneros.
If it feels like your pantyhose are starting to roll down from the top, don’t stand up.
Don’t count on the panties you are wearing on the outside of the pantyhose to hold them up, they can both come down together.
Mother is not always right and if she advises wearing contacts even if they have nicks in them and protein deposits, refuse. Just because glasses last for a year, doesn’t mean contacts will.
Hubby adds:
What deodorant tastes like.
Infant girls can have false periods.