This comes from a conversation with a friend where we discussed Lucas’s perchant for digitally messing around with his movies until one day they may end up a pulpy mass. That lead to Ideas about how he would handle those other films that lack the finishing touches only he can bring.
The example: The Godfather: Virgil Solozzo shoots first.
Why? George sees Michael, as we all know, as a basically good guy we could root for, and not a cold blooded killer.
So How would Mr Lucas “improve” Your favorite films through digital wizardry lacking during those dark days when we required physical effects, make up and ugggh actors?
Give the Lucas special editions of famous movies.
Actually, he did once “Lucasize” Scorcese’s New York, New York by suggesting to Martin S. that the movie would make $10,000,000 extra if De Niro and Minelli could somehow end the movie happily in love.
Serenity: The Operative shoots first. (Okay, that was an easy one.) Oh, and the part where Mal kills the Alliance guy crawling from the wreckage? Gotta get rid of that.
In fact, after George got a hold of it, the movie would be about 25 minutes shorter. I shudder to think of his version of the TV series . . .
And then it’s revealed that Kane was a virgin birth created by Thatcher using magical symbiotes that allow both of them to amass great wealth. They’re called Hearsticlorians, and Kane uses them to become a great sled pilot and helps the US win the Spanish-American War. But maybe we’re getting off topic.
Casablanca : Digitally remastered so that Captain Renault is handed an invoice instead of his winnings after he says that he is “shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on.”
There’s a fan version of the film which has been edited so that Rick and Ilsa end up together. According to an author of a book on Casablanca (who has seen the original film dozens, if not hundreds of times), the editing job is so good that he can’t tell how it was done. All the cuts look natural, and nothing’s jarring at all.
In “Casablanca II: The Gestapo Strike Back” we learn that Rick and Ilsa are brother and sister. Nothing is ever said about their former hots for each other.
When Butch and Sundance make their last stand they use cast iron skillets to skillfully parry and deflect all the bullets fired at them. They swing the skillets around faster than Yoda on espresso and seemingly start to glow like angels from all the sparks flying about. Buy carefully aiming the deflected bullets from Butch to Sundance they actually return fire and defeat the entire Bolivian army.
And now, my best idea yet: in the Lucas Special Edition of Schindler’s List, the Jews shoot first. But it’s not as bad as it sounds, since the Holocaust has been changed into a trade dispute and the Nazis are now just a union of people with tanks and Japanese accents.
In AI, the robot is revived from under the sea after thousands of years by advanced robots and his life-long dream comes true. He doesn’t spend the rest of eternity under the ocean.
The Klansmen’s white sheets are changed to dignified suits, their guns and swords become signs and banners reading “Equal Rights for All Southern Americans.”
Wizard of Oz: When Dorothy is in the Witch’s castle, Toto produces a light saber, levitates, and takes out fifty castle guards in a frenzy. Dorothy then secretly marries the Lion while the Tin Man and Scarecrow stand by beaming.
Rebel Without a Cause: During the chicken run, both cars fly across the canyon and circle around five or six times as Jim shouts “Yippee!” He wins, and afterwards, Judy runs up to give him a big kiss while Plato mutters, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
Ben-Hur: At the Sermon on the Mount, it is revealed that midichlorians are what makes a man King of Kings.
–The insanely long driving sequences are enhanced by dozens of CGI jackrabbits hopping about ostentatiously in every single scene. In fact, Lucas actually dispatches a team to El Paso to shoot additional driving footage in which to insert CGI jackrabbits.
–Torgo’s knees are digitally replaced by even larger CGI knees, which end up looking significantly less realistic than the originals.
–Inexplicably, the ominous-looking portrait of the Master and his dog now also contains an image of Hayden Christensen.
–An extended subplot is added featuring the mischievous antics of Peppy the poodle and the Master’s devil-dog. Warwick Davis brings Peppy to life via motion-capture; the Hound of Satan is played by Kenny Baker.
–After Torgo makes his spastic pass at the wife, an added scene establishes that they are really brother and sister.
–To earn her parents’ freedom from the Master’s clutches, the daughter must defeat Torgo in a high-speed offroad bike race through narrow desert canyons.
–After the Master burns off Torgo’s hand, it is replaced by a cybernetic duplicate.
–A brand new scene where “Manos” actually appears! He’s a really cool looking demon with horns and reddish skin, and everyone is totally in awe of how powerful and dangerous and unstoppable he is. Then the wife kills him with an apple peeler.
–Obviously, at the end of the film, when the husband tries to shoot the Master… the Master shoots first.
–The title of the film is changed to “Episode Four” The Hands of Fate.
