George-Lucasize Other Works

The writer/director/artist/etc has decided that the original doesn’t fit their artistic vision, and has to go back and make a special edition. Here’s mine:

Hamlet, by Shakespeare…

  • I think Claudius is shown to be a little too evil. I’ll make the change that in the scene where he kills King Hamlet, the king will try to pour some poison in Claudius’s ear first, but miss, and Claudius will then pour the poison into the king.

  • Similarly, Hamlet is shown to be a little to cruel to Ophelia. Let’s replace some of his dialogue with her with some romantic dialogue such as this: “I don’t like ghosts. They’re cold and scary and mean, unlike your skin, which is nice and warm.”

Feel free to add others to Hamlet or to change something els.

Jet-propelled Rosencrantz.

Where losing the Ghost way too quickly! Market research shows him to be one of the most popular characters among fans. Let’s clumsily CGI him into a few early scenes so that he can have a long narrative with a character he never met in the original script…um, Rosencrantz and Guildernstern maybe?

Heh, heh. Now those Shakespearean fanboys will have to buy a new folio every few years.

The Godfather Christening scene- now, every one of the mafiosos clipped by the Corleone’s shot first! As we draw back from Mo Green on the massage table, for example, we see him firing a gun just before the bullet takes out his eye.

And now when Appolonia is killed by the car bomb- we’ve added a big Fire Ring!

Citizen Kane- sled, who wants that? Sleds are boring! Rosebud, it turns out, was his childhood pet velociraptor, and now that Kane’s dead she’s 20 times the size she was on his private island in Florida and she’s pissed!

A Room With a View- instead of a view of a Florentine piazza, now it’s of the Rigel VII lava baths, and the minister character is now a 4 armed lizardlike character with a vaguely Mexican accent. Julian Sands and Rupert Graves still run around naked, but they’ve been digitally enhanced… with a fire ring!

Hmm… you know, Godfather Part II should really be fixed. Michael comes off as just a little too evil. This is going to take a few adjustments to fix.
Fredo shoots Michael first. It happens earlier in the movie, and he shoots Michael right in the heart. Amazingly, Michael survives. In their last confrontation, we’ll dub Michael’s line so he says this:
“Fredo, you shot my heart.”

You know, ET gets a little too scary near the end. Let’s digitally replace the guns of the officers with walkie-talkies. Oh wait…

While we’re on Stephen Spielberg movies, Close Encounters of the Third Kind has been long overdue for an update. That scene with the music is just too dull. We’re going to replace it with a rockin’ new song!

Casablanca – Nazi Ewoks.

From Hamlet (screenplay by G. Lucas), Act 3, Scene II;

KING CLAUDIUS:
I like him not, nor stands it safe with us
To let his madness range. Therefore prepare you;
I your commission will forthwith dispatch,
And he to England shall along with you:
The terms of our estate may not endure
Hazard so dangerous as doth hourly grow
Out of his lunacies.

GUILDENSTERN:
We will ourselves provide:
Most holy and religious fear it is
To keep those many many bodies safe
That live and feed upon your majesty.

ROSENCRANTZ:
…ooooooallthestrengthandarmourofthemind,tokeepitselffromnoyance;butmuchmorethatspirituponwhosewealdependandrestthelivesofmany.Theooooo…

Though you would be hard pressed to find someone in Hollywood who could deface Apocalypse Now any worse than Francis Ford Coppola already did, surely George Lucas is up to the challenge.

Change #1: Replace Flight of the Valkyries with something by John Williams. Maybe a medley that includes a couple seconds from the original piece, just to remind the audience of the original movie.

Change #2: Remove all traces of Harrison Ford.

Change #3: The napalm drop isn’t flashy enough, replace it with couple 500 kiloton atomic bombs. The bigger CG-shockwaves we can make, the better.

Change #4: Give Willard a goofy sidekick whose main purpose is to get into zany hijinks. He’ll have a catch-phase like “we’re toast” and fall down a lot. A good introductory scene might be one in which he has a surfing contest with the surfing guy and keeps messing up. Can’t he do anything right??

Change #5: Replace the tiger with a Cambodian Garthraxomachus, an eight-legged, sabre-toothed, fire-breathing mega-tiger. Action figure available, of course. I can see the scene going one of two ways: either Willard gets into a ten-minute duel with it, or it chases the sidekick from change #4 around the jungle for a while and can’t catch him due to the sidekick’s uncanny yet zany string of good luck.

Change #6: The so-called “zen grenade launching” needs an explanation. Clearly, the soldier who can hit the enemy without seeing him has a recessive trait that fills his blood with Hyposensorites who swim around in his eyes and let him see in the dark and through walls. He was also using a specially modified Blastomatic Launcher (in stores now) that fires homing pulses of blue energy.

Change #7: No one bleeds at all.

Change #8: The little girl on the fishing boat shoots first.

Change #9: Replace the entire last thirty minutes with a battle between Kurtz’s tribal minions and a group of benevolent and adorable jungle dwellers. Willard is able to befriend them, though not without his sidekick getting into a little bit of wacky trouble first. Despite the fact that Kurtz has taught his soldiers to use their primordial instincts to kill, they’re no match for the little fuzzballs and their slings. At the movie’s climactic finish, Kurtz and Willard duke it out hand-to-hand, where of course Marlon Brando has been replaced by a computer generated image. Kurtz appears to be winning win, but at the last second the sidekick backs into an anvil, or something, which then falls on Kurtz and puts an end to evil and the war and everything.

Cool Runnings. The touching story of a group of overacheivers suffering the slings and arrows of those that never gave them a chance at a challenge foreign to them. In a land far away and in a clime they would see as hostile to their home.

Those they are battling are conditioned to the atmosphere and frigid temps, and use their power and influence to keep the heroes down. But this noble band of outsiders shan’t be discouraged. They must plod on and fight the good fight against those wishing to repress them.
And in the end, they prove their worth. Through coaching from an experienced elder, they learn how to overcome adversity and gain strength needed for future conflict.
And when they emerge from their vehicle of battle, in unison they cry out:

[Chewbacca]“ARRGGHHHEGHGHHHGE!!!”[/Chewbacca]*

*Still pissed about Jar-Jar Binks. :slight_smile: