Most people shouldn’t be allowed to vote because they have no idea what the issues are or that the president isn’t a tsar or what a committee is, etc… If you base your political beliefs, be they right or left or centrist, on what pundits think or especially on stuff you get on email, you’re one of these people. Anybody who thinks that homosexuality, premarital sex, or drugs led to the fall of Rome is also one of these people, as is anyone who thinks that Revelations speficially predicted 9-11 or pretty much any other modern event. (I favor a “Free T shirts and beer for your voting rights” buyback that would solve much of this problem but have yet to find a Congressman who will implement.)
Unless it’s summertime and T-shirt weather, men who don’t wear undershirts are underdressed.
Before naming a child, if it’s not a mainstream name (Mary, Abigail, John, Fred)make sure the name is not in use by a popular soap opera character or teen star. Caitlin, Erika, Brittany, Tiffani, etc., for girls and Roman, Trent, Dirk, etc., for boys bespeak "family owns the entire DORF ON ____ING collection on DVD.
I will lay any amount of money that I got more hot-ass chicks in college than you did. Guys who said stuff like that in real life always were the ones I had to throw out of our parties an hour into the after-show bash because they were making the hot chicks feel nervous.
My name went from the latter category to the former within the space of 30 years, I shit thee not. And yes, my dad does, to my everlasting shame, own too many of those damn videos (the olympics one is fun when you’re drunk as hell, though)
Stop shitting on me because you think I got ripped off on my $150 chef’s knife when you bought “the exact same thing” for $15 at Walmart. My knife has a real handle with a real tang and has some heft to it, if you look carefully you’ll notice that I don’t have to saw through everything I cut.
Here’s me cutting loose with the random, unabashed elitism - just so you know, I won’t be responding to any rebuttals, since that would be beneath me.
[ul]
[li]People that listen to Top 40 radio stations are mouth-breathing chuds who are contributing not only to the decline of American music, but prolonging the existence of the aural blight that is Auto-Tune. Please, go get sterilized. Now. And take T-Pain and Taylor Swift with you.[/li]
[li]If your sole, overriding political concern is that your right to own guns will be taken away from you, you are playing into the hands of the right-wing pundits - and you do not understand the historical context of the second amendment. Go ahead, live in fear that everyone is out to get you and you need that gun.[/li]
[li]Atheism is not an abberant worldview - rather, it is the next step in the evolution of the human psyche away from a mob mentality.[/li]
[li]To all you people whose poor children saw 20 seconds of porn during the Super Bowl: So your “family event” - consisting of 2000 lbs. of steroid-ridden, aggro manflesh slapping together, punctuated by 30-second odes to materialism, sex, and alcohol - was ruined? Boo fucking hoo. Time to have the sex talk with your kids, instead of letting them piece together the birds and the bees from beer commercials and reruns of “Two and a Half Men”.[/li]
[li]Oh, and if you watch “Two and a Half Men”? Fuck you, you philistine. I blame you personally for the failure of every good but underrated television show out there. Watch “Chuck” or “Battlestar Galactica” for once and use your fucking pea-brain, douchebag.[/li][/ul]
Lil Wayne is the epitome of every single bad Hip-Hop stereotype. His Grammys are such a joke, even Cash4Gold wouldn’t bother with them. I sincerely question the motives of those that have promoted and “awarded” him. He is not fit to sharpen Lupe Fiasco’s(or countless other rappers’) pencils.
Drivers who fantasize about running cyclists off the road because “they think they’re better than us.”
Well, let’s see:
I don’t burn 5 gallons of gas every day commuting to work
I don’t fill the air with smog
I’m not the one causing the traffic jams
I’m not clogging up the street with my ride when I park
I’m in a hell of a lot better shape than you
Meanwhile, you’re stuffing your fat ass into a metal box, listening to talk radio and fantasizing about running someone off the road, when you would never in a million years have the sack to actually step out of your cage a try to start something face to face.
Some people do not belong in college. If you cannot write a sentence without an error, you are probably one of them.
If you cannot write a sentence without an error, evince no intellectual curiosity, and do not have the attention span to survive a class period without checking your text messages, then you really, really do not belong in the ELEMENTARY ED program. I do not want you teaching my hypothetical future children how to read and write. No, I don’t care how much you loooove kids or how much you want to “help people” and “give something back to the community.” Go and work for a summer camp or something.
I don’t get this. What collection are you talking about?
Hey, I make no claims as to it being high literature. It is what it is—a love fantasy with a happy ending where everything turns out perfect. It was enjoyable to read.
Valete,
Vox Imperatoris
ETA: Oh, does my sig count for elitism? (The one at the bottom, mind you. ;)) I chose it because it fits with the username and because it is the first written use of the phrase, “Vox Populi, Vox Dei”, ironically. From an advisor to Charlemagne: Nec audiendi qui solent dicere, vox populi, vox Dei, quum tumultuositas vulgi semper insaniae proxima sit. “Do not listen to those who keep saying that the voice of the people is the voice of God, for the clamor of the vulgate is always close to madness.”
Tim Conway, that blithering idiot, has a series of comedy videos entitled “Dorf on Whatever”. Dorf, the title character, is Tim Conway in a bad costume, worse toupee, and insane special effects that make him appear to have legs approximately 6" long. He proceeds to blather inanely about whatever the subject of the video is in the guise of “biting satire”, which being mercilessly abused three-stooges style by the lameasses he’s convinced to be his co-stars.
Do not watch unless drunk and/or not elite enough to be posting in this thread. I mean, I found them funny–when I was eight.
Please, you are an adult, don’t you know how to use a knife and fork yet? When I serve you lamb chop is it really that hard to get at least half the meat off it? Can you really not deal with a whole fried trout on your plate?
There’s a difference between movies and films, if you need me to explain the difference you should probably just stick with movies.
It is inappropriate to refer to all music that predates 1900 as ‘classical’; don’t make me get medieval on your ass.
‘There’s never a reason to be uncivilized.’ That’s why I brought sushi to eat in an evironment where I might have blood on one shoe and vomit on the other.
Yes my guitars and bicycles are professional quality, no I don’t ride or play at a professional level, and your point would be.
‘You despise me, don’t you Larry?’/Lorre
‘If I gave you any thought I probably would.’/Bogart
Checking your phone and trying to text superstitiously while talking to me at the same time is not accountable behavior. Stop one and begin the other. Trying to conversationally multi-task me is more annoying than you can possibly imagine.
People who think they will go to big box electronic retailers who are paying staff minimum wages and no benefits and expect to get resolutions to complex technical questions or competent purchasing advice are simply idiots. You get what you pay for. You want a deal, research it yourself.
People who don’t understand why good sales and marketing people are necessary are simply aggressively stupid.
People who think self reliant farmers and rural lifestyle people are dumb or intellectual laggards are often the same whiny jackasses crying and scrambling to pay their bills and keep their houses because they have no fall back plan or savings and limited marketable skills.
Golf might possibly be more boring if… no… actually I’m wrong, there’s really no way it could be more boring.
Dear co-worker … you’re a good person, but dying your hair blond and changing your hairstyle will not balance out your morbid obesity. It’s just rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.
No young Grasshopper, I don’t want to hear you talk about God and Jesus and how great your amazing church and Pastor are and how you’re looking for a “good Christian girl” on Monday, then listen to you tell me how great your amazing skank sandwich threesome was with the local talent you picked up at the karaoke bar on Friday.
Jesus Christ sweetcakes if you want to wear a tight low-cut top to show off your big tits and tight pedal pushers that show off your ass and ankle tat, don’t tell you need me to accompany you to an on site client meeting because you think the client is kind of “creepy” for ogling you last time.
I’m sympathetic to those who are overweight, believe me, but for God’s sake my dear if you are well over 100 lbs overweight exulting and doing a thumbs up, touchdown happy dance that you you were able to score an extra butter garlic bread from the carry out is not a bonding moment for us.
No, your kid doesn’t have “Asperger Syndrome”, you’re just a hysterical drama llama parent with a lazy, poorly socialized slug of a kid.
No, day care is not the same as being one on one with a caring parent, stop trying to pretend to yourself that it is.
Letting your kid do drugs in your house because it’s better than him doing them in some other house is not a particually compelling argument.
You have no savings because you wasted all your money on unnecessary high end home theatre electronics Einstein, does someone need to draw you a diagram?
No, the baby wasn’t an “accident” you lazy little doofus. Deliberately and repeatedly having unprotected sex with your shoplifting, dishonorably discharged idiot boyfriend is what made the baby.
My elitist beliefs. If you feel the below unfairly targets you, or a demographic to which you belong, you are very wrong. You have been fairly targeted. You are a fucking peasant. You have less judicious taste than the jock lint hanging off my taint. You are not fit to beat the flies away from my bowel movements. You are wrong, and quite possibly evil.
[ul]
[li] If you live vicariously through the drunken, addled misadventures of D-List celebrities; if you pay hard earned money for tawdry gossip rags filled with candid beach shots of movie stars taken by massive arsehole paparazzi you wouldn’t even want to shake hands with in case their vile Peeping Tomshittery was somehow catching just so you can briefly delude yourself into thinking your life is a slightly less horrific car wreck than it actually is because Meg Ryan has cellulite as well; if you subsidise the gratuitous exposure of the private struggles of public figures for the sake of a brief glimmer of schadenfreude, you’re a pleb.[/li]
[li] Conversely, those D-List celebrities so desperate to remain in the public eye that they submit to gruesome humiliations on reality TV shows, persevering in the belief that if they can only eat one more bucket of kangaroo anuses the bovine public will smile on them just long enough to make that record deal they’ve been chasing since 1983 a viable option, are also plebs. [/li]
[li] Shows where people audition in front of smug cunt judges are shit, lazy T.V. and if you enjoy them you’re an idiot. Here’s the show I wanna see: It’d be a one-off, broadcast at Christmas, and it would feature Simon Cowell, Donald Trump, and that bitchy, freaky looking one off America’s Next Top Model singing ‘Come On Eileen’ while juggling steak knives as monkeys in propellor hats pelt them with shit. When they’re finished I come on, call them a bunch of cunts, and open the trapdoor to a pit full of people these massive bell-ends have publicly humiliated over the years who’ll rip them to shreds and eat them while I get a blowjob from the cute assistant in the sparkly leotard. The person who manages to devour the greatest amount of fetid T.V. judge carcass will get a record deal and a lifetime supply of mouthwash.[/li]
[li] If you don’t like ‘The Wire’ you’re an idiot.[/li]
[li] Tom Green is about as funny as a face fucking with a rusty spoon. [/li]
[li] ‘Little Britain’ is shit, and if you like it you’re a fool.[/li]
[li] The following are not acceptable foodstuffs for human beings: Jellied eels, any microwaveable meal that costs less than a quid, anything manufactured by ‘Mr Brains’, anything with the word ‘Ginsters’ in the lable. Strangely enough, Pot Noodles are okay.[/li]
[li] If you pay good money to read ‘Nuts’ or ‘Zoo’, you’re a stunted, flatulent manchild. You probably like '80s music and shit yourself when you’re drunk. You probably think ‘Little Britain’ is hilarious. You probably bought that bullshit about Blue WKD being a manly beverage. You probably own a Staffordshire terrier which you love more than your girlfriend and you think other people genuinely give a shit about the torque on your shitted up, spoileriffic, second hand Citroen Saxo. You’re a cunt and an idiot.[/li]
[li] People who go on consumer shows like Watchdog, aghast that the diamond ring they bought out of a cardboard box at a boot sale isn’t worth £1500.00 after all, or talk about fly-by-night timeshare companies like they were hitherto undiscovered branches of the Third Reich, are gullible fools and morons. They’re also ugly. Unbelievably ugly. Perch-lipped, fish-eyed, neckless pig people with faces like John Merrick’s ballbag whining and grousing about the sheer cosmic injustice of it all in the vain belief anyone else gives a toss. [/li]
[li] People who go on shows like Big Brother are egomaniacal twats who labour under the delusion that the British public will find them to be the most fascinating human beings ever when in fact they’re generally just a bunch of whingeing, oafish, pissweasles with less personality than Microsoft Excel. They, too, are plebs. [/li]
[li] You may be a saint. You may spend your life lazering away the cataracts from stray dogs with one hand while pulling tapeworms from orphaned African babies with the other while simultaneously giving blood and tapdancing to raise money for Friends Of The Earth. But if you’re also a Creationist, I cannot respect you. [/li]
[li] The Harry Potter books are not suitable literature for adults. Don’t read them on the train. You’re only embarrassing yourself.[/li] [/ul]
Guys who said stuff like that in real life always were the ones I had to throw out of our parties an hour into the after-show bash because they were making the hot chicks feel nervous.
