The NFL and ABC need our help. They realized that nobody gives a hairy rat’s ass about the game this week. I mean Holy Pigskin! The two worst teams are playing. The 0-4 Deadskins are playing the 0-4 Cowardboys. They have come to some of the most creative minds available and humbly ask that we help write some advertising hype to get people to watch.
Here’s what I have so far…
“Two teams with perfect records battling it out. After tonight, only one team has bragging rights.”
or
“It’s all about respect. It’s a rivalry as old as time, or at least as old as the mid-1800s.”
or
“Two teams up against each other. Only one will emerge victorious.” (how bland can you get?)
C’mon everybody, let’s help out the MFL, the Mother Fu… wait, the NFL.
“Welcome to REVERSE Fantasy Football Night, where you get bonus points for each mistake your players make!”
“Dial the number that you see at the beginning of the show. If you are selected, we will fly you to the game so you can play quarterback in the second half!”
"Tonight, on Monday Night Football…A battle for the ages!..The movable object against the resistable force!..There can be ONLY ONE WINNER! (unless they tie, 0-0 or something like that…)
Plus, Melissa Stark’s makeover tips! And Dennis Miller rants about the Teapot Dome scandal!..All tonight on…"
“With teams this bad, you are sure to see plenty fake punts, hail mary’s, onside kicks, statue of liberties and every other trick play that makes the game exciting. Cuz these teams have nothing to lose!”
“It’s the game they said would never be played…or at least played like any normal game. The _____ [Team X] meets the _____ [Team Y] in a rematch of last season’s stunning _____ [Super Bowl, conference final or semifinal or wild card match, weird upset, or just plain Game Whatever]. Will _____ [quarterback of Team X] lead his team to victory? Or will the defense of _____ [Team Y] stop him in his tracks? Find out when you become a part of it this Monday night!”
I did have this line rolling through my head, but I couldn’t find a way to use it. Help yourself:
“All this plus all the beer commercials you can handle, on Monday Night Football!”
As they were discussing the impending game on the news this morning, the Anchor said “Who cares?!?”, which pretty much sums up the entire game. Interesting to note, however, is that this news station is a Washington DC LOCAL station!
Hey, DC, the Baltimore Ravens are still playing.
“It’s a short drive up I95!”
Play the music and start by showing highlights of Emmitt Smith’s and Darrell Green’s careers, then talk about what is at stake–the shot at a number 2 draft pick behind the Houston Texans. Then have Michaels conjecture that this draft pick could very well be the next Emmitt Smith. When you get to the climax and the helmets collide, finish with, “Who might get a shot to draft the Emmitt Smith of the future? Find out tonight on the Monday Night Stupor Bowl.”
When these two storied franchises battle, you can throw out the records.
PLEASE throw out the records!
When you think of the Cowboys, you think of Roger Staubach, Tony Dorsett, Troy Aikman. The Redskins - Billy Kilmer, Joe Thiesmann, John Riggins, The Smurfs.
“Tune into Monday Night Football, for tonights game between the Cowboys and Redskins. Where we’ll be featuring random gratuitous up the skirt cheerleader shots at the pace of about once every two minutes.”
–You want to talk about ratings.
Also, I do feel this game is important because I got my ass handed to me again this week in The Straight Pick and I have 9 points riding on Dallas. If they win, I’ll be in 12th place instead of the dreaded 13th.
As much as I love MNF, unless the Cowboy cheerleaders and the Redskinettes have a nude, jello wrestling competition at halftime, I’ll be locked onto Game 5 of the ALDS between the A’s and Yankees.
Flashback on the remote will be on MNF, in-between innings, in case the game does not suck.
My hype for tonight— RETURN OF THE LEAFSTER!!! HE SUCKED IN SAN DIEGO AND HE CAN SUCK IN DALLAS TOO!!!
