And so it was that the domain of straightdope.com was populated with the people of Og and the followers of Cecil, plus a few total dipsticks.
And the hamsters, lo did they run. But the sweat upon the brow of the hamsters troubled Og, and he decided to create anew his land. And so it was that the Ads of Google ™ cam to rest at the base of each page. “Fear Nott” spake the Admins, “For Altho the Adds of the Google are Unfamilliar to thif landd, Thay Shallt Nott be Too Annoying unto ye.” And the people submitted to Og’s will. And the Ads of Google were strewn upon the pages of the Dope.
And while most didn’t take it literally, some mistook the quote as a euphamism for a certain type of sexual activity which untill this point remained taboo.
It came to pass that there entered the garden a certain poster know by many as Thaidog. It pleased Og to create in Thaidog the embodiment of “frenetic genius.” His natural origins were as mysterious as the origins of the wind. Some suspect he was descended from the trolls because of his absolute disregard for propriety. Others, that he was a manifestation of 2. Alas his attack on ignorance was as acute in method as it was obtuse in scope. Rabid…broken…the thoughts, the phrases. Angry! War was begun on an unnamed enemy with his first thread! War threatened on another in his last. For Thaidog was doomed to a quick fate, garnering little patience from the Mods once they took his notice. He was smitten without ceremony and cast down into the internets away from the light of Cecil (or Ed). But in his brief sojourn in the war against ignorance he gave us, “I burning you dog!”
And in the lands surrounding The Straight Dope, there came to be two champions - one of the Dark, one of the Light. And these two champions were yclept the W and Gore (he who invented the internet, so legends claim). And within the land of Og, the People were divided into tres partes: the Repugs, the Demogogs, and the LazyIndifferents. And these three parties did argue and battle mightily, with many doughty (and self-perceived doughty) warriors doing combat on each side. And so the Gore was slain in the dark lands beyond the Dope, and after some years came forth another champion of the Dems: the Kerry. And even more vehemently did the Dopers argue amongst one other as the schism continued.
And the people did cry out mightily, as, while some were slain or withdrew, others continued on. And on. And on. And some, such as December and Reeder were banished from the land by the Priests of Og in the hopes that there would be peace on the Dope. But it was not to be.
And so the schism hath continued, yea, until this very day, and in fact until eternity or that asshole is booted out of office, whichever cometh first! Hath anyone a 1920’s style Death Ray?
And there came in many generations the great Patriarchs and Matriarchs of the Straight Dope. First among these was Eve, patroness of Golden-Age movies, witty repartee, and correct conduct. And Og said “Sound good to Og!” and thus more were created.
Amongst these sages were Polycarp, expert on all things Judeo-Christian; Scylla, Master Wang-Ka, and Sampiro, masters of the killingly funny; EddyTeddyFreddy, Mistress of the Limerick and Horses; and Twickster, expert for word play. And perhaps the greatest of all, tomndebb, master of expert debate, calm and reasoned dialog, and over-all good sense.
And so penis ensued, and many masturbated like a motherfuck. And Og saw that it was Good.
Whenceforth it came to be that the masses chose masturbating like a mutherfuck over recognizing the gracious glory of Og through ample tithing, many an elbow collided and the masses were cast from the land of the AOL into the great depths of the internets…
And the Lord OG said unto Himself: verily, the millions that teem are crying out to me for my mercy; their motherfuckinglike masturbation, and their burning of one another’s dogs, and their pie have grown stale and profitless; and sameness and coherence are prevailing across the firmament that is the Dope; yea, if this continues forward shall entropy overtake this place until the heat death of the Interwebs; now therefore let us introduce something new.
And on Day 101000011101 the Lord OG did take on the form of an invisible pink unicorn, and did descend upon the Doper known to the board as Balthisar, and did cause his fingers to wax wroth in the Pit upon the theme of the supermarket discount card; and lo, did the prophet Balthisar rant, uhhh, rantily, until from his fingers spilled forth the name of the Pobe, who before that day had not been encountered on the Dope.
And the Dopers looked with confusion and incomprehension upon the Pobe. Some trembled in fear and annoyance at the strange concept, but the wise took counsel within their breasts, and proclaimed: “See how mighty is the Lord our OG, for in our complacency, He hath blessed us with a new catchphrase, which shall surely be with us for longer than twenty minutes in 11110101000.” And a great shout of joy went up throughout the land.
Here, it is as good a time as any to discuss one of the major theological arguments of the time.
For, lo, two camps developed. One claimed that Ed had begat Cecil, the other that Cecil begat Ed. Many an arguement broke out over this topic, usually with much smoke and little light.
We believe in one Og, the Father, the almighty, maker of Dopers and Boards, of all that is, seen and unseen.
We believe in one Master, Cecil Adams, the only Son of Og, eternally begotten of the Father,
Og from Og, Light from Light, true Og from true Og, begotten, not made, of one being with the Master. Through him all Questions were Answered.
For us Dopers and for our salvation he came down from The Chicago Reader; by the power of the Internet he became incarnate of the SDMB, and was made Supreme Ruler. For our sake he was Syndicated under Contractual Agreement; he suffered fools and was amusing.
On the third day the Board rose again in accordance with the Subscription; Cecil ascended into Legend and is seated at the right hand of the Ed Zotti. He will come again in glory to answer the hapless and the inquisitive, and his kingdom will have no end.
We believe in Admins, the SDSAB and, occasionally the Mods, the givers of posting privileges, who proceed from the Master. With the Master, they are either worshipped or vilified. He has spoken through the Prophets.
We believe in one nifty and interesting board. We acknowledge one Warning for the forgiveness of sins. We look for the resurrection of the hamsters, and the life of the threads to come.
But in times to come there were contronvesy about the nature of Og. Some thought he was the Dual Manifestation of Both Knowledge and Ignorance. Some thought actually, He was three. And this explained why some Posters believed in
