Inspired by this piece of work from our gummint, mainly this bit:
I propose a new calendar system for the Yoo-nited States of Amurrica!
Why not? The Romans had one. So did the Chinese, Muslims, and Jews (well, they still do). We’ve got tp be just as important to and influtential of world history, right? How cool would that be? We could even re-name the months.
Who wants to start the petition for a new amendment? (How the hell do you do that anyway??)
Ok, maybe this isn’t as cool as I thought. Still kinda funny, though? Right???
Today is Chocktaw 17.
Christmas is Alakanuk 35.
The Fourth of July becomes the Fifth of Keweenah.
Groundhog day is Chickasaw 33.
First day of summer is Sioux 28.
First day of winter is Alakanuk 31.
Voila, a uniquely American calendar.
New tradition: At the blue hour after sunset, all young lovers hide from their parents on Alakanuk 31 and celebrate the longest night on the American calendar.
Parents, dressed as Puritans, will pretend to seek them out by going from door to door beating bass drums or playing accordians and concertinas and calling their children’s names. All parents must travel separately.
People without children remain at home and welcome each Puritan visitor with shouts of "1-2-3-4-5-6-7 – All Good Children Go to Heaven – Bushel-a-Wheat! Bushel-a Rye! All Ain’t Hid, Hollar ‘I’! (That gives any lovers hiding there a chance to hide under a bed if it is their parent who has come.)
At each house where someone is home, the parent must shed a piece of Puritan clothing and have something to eat and drink. The owner of the house signals that the house is already occupied by a Puritan by turning the front light off.) Only one Puritan to a house at a time.
By sunrise everyone must be at their own homes in their own pajamas and no one must ever ask questions or speak of this night again.
According the OP’s quote, the USA already has its own calendar! It’s YUSI (Year of US Independence) 228!
About the months though… certainly a better month arrangement can be found. The old World calendar, for instance, with 12 months of 30 days, plus five more days (6 in leap years), holidays, outside the months. If you plan it right, they can be outside the weeks as well, and then the weekdays don’t shift in relation to the days’ dates…
We’d have to choose our 5 favorite holidays - how about New Years, Valentine’s Day, Chrismas, Halowe’en, and Thanksgiving. The sixth holiday might be called Leap Day.
360 divides by 7 with a remainder of 3, so if the week starts on Sunday, then each year there’ll be an extra Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. It would make things interesting if we have Tuesday followed by New Year’s Day followed by Sunday!
Or, how about an astronomical calendar? We don’t even need numbers - we can just use astrological signs. For example, today is gh`bhdh, day 2. The symbols are geocentric and refer to Neptune, Uranus, Saturn, Jupiter, Mars, Sun, Moon. (I wish Wingdings included the planet symbols.)
I propose that we have 30 months of 10 days each. Every other month will be a month long festival celebrating some long ago event that everyone has corrupted into a reason to get drunk and/or buy presents for others. The economy goes through the roof, everybody’s poor but they don’t care since they’re inebriated. The five leftover days are collected in a time bank and used as vacation days so we can have a huge, worldwide Dopefest blowout once a year.
