Let's ruin ALL kid's games!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Swingsets are just asking for a bruised or even gaspSCRAPED knee … :eek:

To remedy this hazard to our children, swings will now be fixed in a vertical position by fastening them to the overhead bar with polycarbon plastic (no metal poles here!) at a height of 1 foot (so the kiddies can’t fall off and hurt themselves). The ground surface will of course be foam rubber made from recycled tires and any worms found during the construction will be relocated.

The metal deathtraps known as “Jungle gyms” are even worse than swingsets. Why, an innocent child could find him or herself wrapped like christmas lights around all those metal bars, or even on the ground with a broken spine. All of these will be dismantled (and recycled) immediately, and replaced with a painted (environmentally friendly paint) circle on the ground with various angled lines connecting inside the circle. The kiddies (ha ha, they’re so cute) can run on and around the lines (not too fast though) for hours.

Finally, the worst of them all: the slide. These infernal creations have been known to send a child sprawling into razor-edged gravel, as well as building up potentially annoying levels of static electricity, especially the metal ones. Some devil-children even make a habit of running up the slide the wrong way!! :eek: :eek:

Drastic measures are needed to correct this. The slides and the large and too-high structures that support them will be torn down (and recycled), and instead there will be slippery (but only a little slippery - can’t have Junior falling down, now can we?) strips of polycarbon plastic on the ground, surrounded by a 4 foot high wall of padding, so the littl’uns can’t hurt themselves going too fast. There now, isn’t that better?

22

Run? RUN?! What if someone trips? No no, team A can call a member of team B, who will walk, slowly and carefully, over to team A.

Street hockey - Obviously, it can’t be played on the street, because of the cars. And no rollerblades - someone might fall. And no goalies allowed. Hmm, those sticks could do some damage, rolling the ball towards the (empty) goal would probably be better.

23

Piggy-in-the-middle is now played with no middle. Or, with three children throwing the ball in an endless circle.

24

Not to hijack…but *piggy[/]i in the middle? The fuck you talkin’ bout? Everyone knows it’s monkey in the middle.

25

“Pig-in-the-middle,” when and where I grew up.

“Piggy-in-the-middle” in the Neil Innes song:

“Monkey-in-the-middle?” Messed up.

Conkers shall be played with light-weight styrofoam balls. Each try is an automatic point for both players, and the game continues until they both win by growing weary.

There shall be a blanket ban on Lawn Darts. Laughs up sleeve at Americans. :wink:

26

This post has been made safer by chaoticbear!

(But really, that would make all the kids dizzy! They need to sit in place and point.

27

Just remember when they come for yours: Jarts don’t jart people. People jart people.

(As for me personally, they’ll pry my Jart from my cold, dead hand, assuming it’s summertime. Otherwise they’ll be in the basement.)

28

[hijack]
Sorry, this thread is making me sick…

Playgrounds should be made of nice HARD concrete. Swings should have wooden boards to sit on, not the floppy rubber straps you see nowadays. The swingset should be 20 feet high, to add to the challenge of trying to swing in a complete 360. The slide should also be 20 feet high and made of STEEL so that it gets hot enough to melt your Keds during the summer.

That’s what a playground was like when I was a kid and the playground was a fun place! Sure we got our knees banged up and occasionally needed stitches in the head, but it built character. Modern playgrounds deprive kids of wearing a plaster cast for 8 weeks and letting all of their friends scribble on the cast with a shapie marker.

When we first moved into our new house, my kids begged me to take them to the park a couple of blocks away and when I did, they were bored in all of 5 minutes.
[/hijack]

29

Word, man, word. The rubber strappy swings suck anyway, you can’t stand on them and for some reason it’s harder to swing on them too. And what’s with these new 5-foot tall plastic slides with ass-high sides to stop kids from falling out? No, no, no. If you fall off a slide just sliding down normally you’re probably comatose, and if you fall off going down backwards, well, that’s what makes going down a slide backwards so great! I’m so glad I outgrew playgrounds before they started to suck.

30

Jacks: Get rid of the bouncing ball, so all kids can pick up all the jacks.

31

Kick the Can–no can to be kicked, because the kid who failed to guard it well would be devastated.

Ghost in the Graveyard–banned outright. What a horrible name for a horrible game! No need to dwell on death and other gruesome things…

All trees over 10 feet will have their lower limbs removed or be chopped down entirely to discourage climbing.

Moving Statues or Freeze Tag–kids are often forced to assume awkward or humilating positions in these games! There oughta be a law…!
playingHouse–encourages gender stereotyped roles and reinforces negative tropes. Will noone think of the children?
playing Doctor–like underage drinking, the adult will be fined/jailed if this is found to be going on. Parents! This means YOU.

Hunt the Mitten–too frustrating for little minds. Too overstimulating. Better a nice game of Theorectical Hunt the Mitten: “Timmy, IF you were playing this game, where would be a good place to hide Mr Mitten?”. good times.
Clue-the board game. Deals with murder–obviously not meant for kids. Parker Bros should be brought to justice. Banned.

Sorry!-the board game. Ditto.

Mancala–instead of trying to win all the glass beads, lets sort them by color! There, that’s better!

Chess–too much for elementary school kids. Too complex, too cut-throat. For Mature Teens, only.

Checkers–no extra Kings, and “opponents” need to be warned which moves will provoke jumping and capture of pieces. That’s only fair.

Chinese Checkers–racist and dated game. Banned.

Solitaire–if the card you need doesn’t present itself when going thru the deck, a simple rule change will help make this game more fun: once thru the deck initially, you may look thru the deck for any card you need. This will enable the child to win more games, and enhance his/her self-esteem.

Parcheesi–this is a strange, Middle-Eastern sounding game. Doesn’t sound American. Probably unpatriotic to play this one–best not.

Poker-this is gambling! no and no and no! :eek:
note-none of this monkey/piggy stuff. It’s called “Keep Away”.
:slight_smile:

32

You’re all missing the point.

The kids seem to have the most problems when they interact with one another- not only the bullying and self-esteem issues, but other kids carry germs and environmental toxins (like peanut butter.)

School would be vastly imnproved if we take the office cubicle to its fullest extent- the kids will be in one someday as an adult, right? Put each individual in a nice padded cubicle with a computer screen, keyboard, and mouse. No pencils or paper- you can get poked or have a nasty paper cut. Each student would get individual attention.

Recess? Why bother with the potential lawsuits? Each child should have 15-30 min. instruction in a exercise room, with a treadmill, Nautilus machines, Bowflex, or whatever is necessary for physical health. No one else is using the equipment at the time, so there is no problem with undesired social interaction.

Staggered instruction hours could guarantee that there are no traffic jams or groups of rowdy children running to and fro at certain times of day. Teachers can focus on programming the daily lessons and not being a classroom policeman.

Think that would solve the problem?

:wink:

33

Heaven’s, no! What of teacher and pupil conflict? What of teachers requiring higher standards of performance than the child is willing to give? To make a child do Nautilus when that may be against his natural inclination is outlandish–this is a free country!
the anguish that such children would face every day…the mind boggles.

34

Sorry! the board game will not be banned.

Just modified.
There are 1001 squared on the board. Each has something the child should be ‘Sorry’ for.

Each child moves one space at a time and then tries to sincerely apologize for the item. Only after a sincere apology can they advance on the next square.
Things to be Sorry! for

The treatment of the Indians 400 years before you were born.

The treatment of the Indians 300 years before you were born.

The Dodo bird.

WWI

The depletion of the Ozone layer.

etc.

35

How do we deal with picking kids for teams? Someone will always be last, suffering severe emotional trauma for life.

36

Psst-see post #16 for nobody being picked last for basketball so that later in life they can make a really sad pop song about it.
Zebra --brilliant! And it will help so much with cultural awareness and empathic global relations.

37

Teams? That’s unnecessarily divisive. People should participate in non-competitive activities that promote neither praise nor scorn. :wink:

Some of this shit actually exists - in the UK there’s a beardy-weirdie version of Scouts/Guides called Woodcraft Folk that indulges in drippy left-wing politics, and cooperative games that promote the concept of No winners, no losers.

(Note, I played ‘the parachute game’ in my youth, and it is actually a lot of fun, but then again, so was smacking the shit out of people during a round of the amazingly violent British Bulldog.)

38

Hmm, confine kids to a small area for 13 years of their life. I bet they’d slurp be nice and tender slurp at graduation. Now where’s my grill?

39

Well, I think banning is pretty stupid in General, But you gotta admit a game designed to have kids and drunk adults throwing weighted spikes at each other is pretty stupid in it’s own way.

40

Nonsense. Jarts was where Bocce met Rollerball.

When I’m out, I frequently pass up a game of GooberDarts, even though the risk of drunken injury is reduced to nearly nothing. Really, if you can’t handle throwing sharp objects when you’re drunk, you should go somewhere and sleep it off and abstain in the future.