Inspired by this thread about pinatas that open by ribbons instead of bashing, I propose that we ruin all kid’s games for them so they don’t get their precious little self-esteems damaged.
King of the Hill - played on a flat surface, of course, so everyone is equal and on the same level.
Baseball - obvious solution is that no score is kept. Looking at it in more depth, each kid bats until he hits the ball. Other kids throw slowly so they don’t throw anyone out.
Mentioned in the other thread by JillGat - Musical chairs with enough chairs for all the kids so no one gets left out.
Pin the tail on the donkey - the pin actually goes into a clear plastic screen. The donkey is behind that screen and gets moved so that the pin is in the correct place when the child takes the blindfold off. Or, have a monstrous chimeric donkey that is composed entirely of asses.
Kickball- no pitcher, the ball’s placed in front of the kicker. Once the kicker actually manages to connect with the ball (no strikes!), he gets to run around the bases- which are about five feet apart, so we don’t discriminate against kids who can’t run or get winded easily.
The opposing team is just there to retrieve the ball.
Each team gets an “at bat” sufficient to give everyone on the team a chance to kick.
The winning team is… EVERYONE! YAY!
Tetherball - instead of smacking the ball around the pole, each player holds the ball and walks around the post, handing it politely to the other child when he gets to him. The other child then does the same thing, and so it goes until the ball is completely wrapped around the post and both players are declared the winners. At no point is a player allowed to walk in the opposite direction, thus undoing the previous player’s work, 'cause that shows a lack of respect for the other player’s feelings.
Air Dodgeball : Just like dodgeball, but in order to prevent injury only imaginary balls are allowed to be thrown; they must be thrown gently, in order not to startle anyone. Also, the dodger may take no more than one careful step aside, in order to prevent injuries. Just to be safe, all participants wear full body padding, mitts and hockey masks.
Jump rope-because someone can trip on the rope, we now must lay it on the ground and kids can take turns lightly jumping over it. Just don’t jump TOO high, in case someone falls.
The basketball hoop in the schoolyard should be 6 feet in diameter and hung 2 feet from the ground. Actually, let’s just dig a hole for the ball instead.
Tag should be played with the children all sitting huddled together instead of running around, so whoever’s “it” can easily reach out and tag someone sitting nearby. This way the slow kids won’t feel left out.
Tic-tac-toe should be played with O’s only. Look at the pretty pattern you’ve made, children!
And if it’s about protecting their fragile bodies as well as their egos, Monopoly money should be replaced by differently-colored cotton balls, or perhaps squares of toilet paper, to help reduce the risk of paper cuts.
All monkey bars should be equipped with safety harnesses and helmets and the “pennydrop” must be banned unless the child has completed and 8 week course on the proper execution of the “stunt.”
No more team captains chosen by an adult to pick which kids to be on the team.
Now the kids should all draw pieces of paper. Even numbers on one team, odds the other! No one is the last picked! We won’t keep score either so our little esteems of self won’t get crushed if we l-o-s-e.
Being “It” ostracizes the child from their peers and blatantly identifies them as different, which, as we all know, is doubleplusungood.
All “Its” shall be renamed Homogeneous Omnibus Male or Female Accessory Gameplayer, or HOMoFAG for short. This will eliminate alienation and mocking amongst children completely, and ultimately result in a completely utopian society where the old never die and money is abolished as obsolete.
