(Latin, homo rooticus.)
Hey matt, in all seriousness - did you think this was gonna turn into a three-page thread? 
“Tread lightly” is a good rule to follow when on an expedition to view wild homosexuals in their natural surroundings. Disrupting their environment can cause them to flee to other, more hospitable, areas.
The playing of loud, clangerous music (such as speed metal) will often frighted the Northern Dandified Homosexual into hiding, for example.
Do not attempt to hand feed or pet homosexuals in the wild. They may become affronted and give you a tongue-lashing. Think about it.
Take the time to study the exact variety of homosexual you wish to observe. The Eastern Lesbian can often be lured into the open via a judicious display of plaid flannel. The California Lesbian, on the other hand, is attracted to french lace.
Attempting to capture and domesticate wild homosexuals is also a bad idea. While you may think that you have placated and tamed him or her with peepy show tunes and bean sprouts, you are in error. Eventually, he or she will notice that the carpet doesn’t match the drapes, and BLAMMO!
You now have a “raging” homosexual on your hands.
It’s much better to not molest them in any way. (Trust me.)
Simply leave them alone, so that future visitors can enjoy them too.
Anyone else have visions of Scott Thompson dressed in buckskins? “Running free… Running free… Running fag-got…”
Please note that in my post I refer to social evolution. I agree that discussions of the Origin of the Homosexual are outside the purview of this thread, and had no intention of opening the door to that subject. We should limit our comments to observations of the current status of Homosexuals, both in the wild and in (you should excuse the expression) captivity, anecdotal evidence of behavior patterns, and discussions on the assimilation of Homosexuals into mainstream society.
The emergence of homo rooticus* is an example of this last topic. There have been numerous references in this thread to the keeping of Homosexuals as pets and the exploitation of their native abilities for amusement and other purposes. We must also consider the concept of allowing them to find their own place in society. The formation of sponsorship and educational programs should be encouraged, as well as the efforts of Homosexuals themselves to subsidize their efforts (I must applaud andygirl’s efforts in this area).
*I thank my esteemed colleague apotheosis for this term, which I had not previously encountered in my studies.
I think it would be remiss if we failed to point out the serious penalties for Hunting Homosexuals Out Of Season.
Hunt In Season, Inc. ( or “HISI”) points out that in addition to fines and restitution, penalities can also include surrendering of Broadway Season passes, removal of fashion accessories, as well as enforcement of wearing white shoes after labor day.
This reminds me of that great old Western song…
Homo, Homo on the range
Where the Queer and the Mapplethorpe play
Where often is seen a stampeding drag queen
And the skies are not cloudy… THEY’RE GAY!!!
Songs like that are what put the “poke” into “cowpoke”.
And then of course there’s the classic western musical “Oklahomo”… which was written by Rodgers and Hummerstein, if I recall correctly, and an all-male cast singing such hits as “I’m just a girl who cain’t say no” and “The farmer and the cowman should be friends”…
Exgineer, while I applaud your excellent contributions to this thread, I’m afraid that I must report from the field that your observations are out of date.
These observations come from my soon-to-be-published paper in the well-respected Journal of Unchecked Sapphism and Girl/Girl Action.
*Emperical evidence sugests that while the Eastern Lesbian has traditionally been attracted to flannel, steel-toed Birkinstocks and weepy folk music are just as powerful lures… conversely, the California Lesbian, as with most Western Lesbians, is powerfully drawn to hummus, henna, and anything spelling “women” with a “y”… henna tattos and body piercings also mark all tribes of Lesbian. The elusive Midwestern Lesbian is immediately attracted to any gathering of other Midwestern Lesbians- due to their scarcity, any gathering of five or more Midwestern Lesbians immediately creates a sort of Lesbian Vortex, the aftermath of which has alternated been described as “ex girlfriends everywhere” and “messy, but a lot of fun.” After such Vortexes it is common for these Lesbians to migrate to their natural habitats, i.e., either coast. Southern Lesbians, conversely, are known to follow around attractive women much like puppies, doting on them and picking up anything they accidentally drop. Fistfights have broken out over who can pick up the handkerchief that the pretty lady dropped… when asked what draws Lesbians, one Midwestern Lesbian helpfully answered, “Um… women.” *
There you have it, folks.
I must admit that more research on the mating (and other habits) of Hot College Lesbians seems to be a promising field. When I get back to college, there is a certain sapphically inclined math major (we both are classified as dykus geekus if you’re interested) that I will hopefully be able to observe in her natural habitat as I take her out to dinner and a movie. Then I’ll have to show her my mating dance and see what happens.
Research has never seemed so stimulating.
I would love to participate in the adopt-a-homo program, but sadly a couple of childhood memories make me leery.
When I was six, my parents got us a homosexual. He immediately escaped from his cage and disappeared. Tragically, months later, we came across his remains under the couch. We would have found him earlier, but his dessicated corpse was immaculately clean and fresh-smelling. Even in death, he was fabulous.
A couple of years later, we tried again. I still recall the long and awkward silence when I suggested we get another one and asked how long it would be before we had a lot of little homosexuals running around. “It, uh, doesn’t work like that,” said my parents – but they didn’t explain, leaving me confused and wary until years after.
So, no adoption for me. Could I maybe send one to college or something instead?
Sublight: “The white men, on the other hand, only wanted the hump.” Hee hee! The funniest single comment in the funniest thread in months.
Ladies and gentlemen, that was me. And it’s true.
I’m a rare breed. Adopt meeeee.
Homo rooticus, if you follow standard conventions. The first letter of the genus is capitalized, and the species isn’t.
I contend that, like Homo sapiens neanderthalensis, Homo rooticus and ‘dykus geekus’ are both a subspecies of Homo sapiens and don’t belong in a new slot in the general taxonomy. Homo sapiens geekus is an interesting group in that the male and female rarely mate, and yet don’t suffer an extinction-level decline in population. This is obviously incontrovertible proof of a higher power, whom I have named “Gyd”.
Yours truly,
Homo sapiens pedantes
I just wanted to take this opportunity to inform you all of promising research in the area of homosexual propagation.
As you may know, captive breeding programs to produce homosexual offspring from homosexual parents have been singularly unsuccessful. * Homo rooticus *, as has been mentioned in previous posts, seem to be unable to reproduce as pairs, and breeding of the Homo rooticus with Dykus geekus has been unrecorded. While there have been offspring of lesbian unions, following artificial insemination, these offspring seem to undergo a mutation in some as yet undefined gene, which results in conversion to the hetero-phenotype of the closely related sub-species, * Hetero sapiens sapiens * , roughly 90 percent of the time. To quote one dismayed researcher, “It’s like trying to get mules to reproduce!”
However, these dark clouds are not without some sequined linings. Having observed that the young of homosexuals often reverted to heterosexuality, Dr. P. J. Gayton, formerly of the Harvard University Center for Human Genetics proposed that a similar switch was possible in the breeding of hetero parents to produce gay young. Indeed, anecdotal evidence supported this hypothesis (as nearly all parents of gay humans claim to be heterosexual themselves). Unfortunately, as Dr. Gayton’s theory was entirely without support in modern genetics, he lost all funding for his research and was stripped of his position.
However, a generous offer from U.C. Berkeley has placed Dr. Gayton in the University’s Developmental Biology department, where he has continued his studies. Preliminary results are promising. Dr. Gayton has found that after bombarding the male fetus with show-tunes * in utero * , the infant is more likely to respond to these sounds than to his mother’s voice, after birth - a sure sign of homosexuality. The long term effects of such treatment are as yet uncertain, however, as Dr. Gayton has only recently acquired funding for such research, and the first group of subjects are all under the age of 1 year.
Further complicating such studies are the ethical questions raised by any study of human development. Dr. Gayton has defended his human research on the basis of the lack of any reasonable modal species, and the importance of the study to the preservation of these endangered subspecies. “Besides,” he objected, in a recent 60 Minutes interview, “What’s so damaging about show tunes?”
What, indeed…
Snookie read this and was appalled that no one mentioned the ‘gingham cozy’ for when you’re not using your homosexual.
I would also like to point out that while captive-breeding experiments have remained largely unsuccessful, well run conservation programs have shown positive results.
Please continue to support your local Habitat for Homosexuals initiatives.
After all, can you imagine sitting on your back porch on a fine summer evening and not hearing the chirping of the crickets, the peeping of the tree frogs, the twittering of the homosexuals…
Please people, we must preserve the homosexual population. Think of your grandchildren. How empty their lives will be if they are denied the opportunity to see the majestic migrations of the homosexuals for themselves.
You all do realize, don’t you, that 6 months from now, some clueless newbie seeking Pit immortality is going to discover this thread, decide that we are trashing gays, and bump it to the first page with a seething, swearing rant devoid of any intellectual value and reeking of stupidity?
Yes, and verily we shall mock them most fabulously.
God, I love you guys.