We’re like puppies, apparently.
In todays lunch topic at work, in a friend of mine was extolling the virtues of Gays, and how she wants one as a friend (in an amusing twist, I’m not out to her) since we are “Really funny and one would be fun to go shopping with.”
Of course after hearing this, I replied:
“Damn Crystal, you make it sound like you want one as a pet. Mom! Dad! Check out my new Gay! Isn’t he the cutest thing ever! His name’s Bruce, he’s gonna help decorate, and he is all mine.”
So therein lies the inspiration for this thread, in which I will pimp my newest venture, Absolutely Fabulous Adoptions for Gays (A-FAG), and Adopt-A-Gay Month. Shamelessly parodying this site:
http://www.charitywire.com/charity9/03286.html
October is Adopt-A-Gay Month, a nationwide effort that encourages Gay lovers to celebrate by visiting a local homosexual shelter to provide a homeless gay or lesbian with a caring, loving home. This year, A-FAG, American Eagle Outfitters, Apple Computer and The Showtime Cable Network are joining forces in the Perfect Gay Network™, a nationwide gay adoption program. The Perfect Gay Network aims to find homes for 125,000 Gays and Lesbians in 2004.
Since up to 60 percent of gays that enter shelters die each year because they are not adopted, A-FAG recommends people interested in adopting a gay begin their search at their local American Eagle Store. American Eagle Stores across the country will be displaying new photos of gays available for adoption on the Perfect Gay Network board in the mens section. Shelters offer the greatest variety of choices – gays, lesbians, drag queens, transsexuals, bisexuals and leather gays. In celebration of Adopt-A-Gay Month, Aeropostale will donate free gay clothing vouchers to adopting families in October at participating Perfect Gay Network shelters.
With so many wonderful gays needing a home, it can be difficult to choose. To make the decision-making process an easier one, A-FAG consulted with several homosexual behaviorists to compile the following temperament-testing tips to consider when visiting a shelter:
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Ask how long a gay has been at the shelter. Gays need at least two to three days to adjust to new environments. However, if a gay has been at the shelter for a week and still hasn’t decorated, then the gay may require more time to train.
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Use the “hand and talk” test used by homosexual behaviorists to find friendly gays. First, extend your hand to see if the gay will comment on your need for moisturizer. Then talk to the gay. Social gays will respond by either swishing around, or making snarky comments about the dress of their caregivers at the shelter. You want a gay that seeks out people, but doesn’t participate in self-destructive behavior.
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When you find a gay that you would like to know better, ask the staff where you can visit quietly with the gay. If the gay is interested in people, it will aggressively solicit attention.
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Determine the gay’s touch tolerance. Hold a cheap garment up to the gay. Does the gay want you to continue or does it curl up into a ball and start crying?
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Test the gay’s arousal. Hold up pictures of cute guys. See how excited the gay gets and how long it takes for him to calm down.
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Test the gay for separation anxiety. Leave the gay without access to his Avril Lavigne CD’s. When you return, check the gay’s reaction. Does he seem stressed or out of breath? Often these signs indicate the gay may suffer from separation anxiety, which may require some additional training.
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Go to the mall with the gay. Watch how the gay reacts to noise, traffic, and The Gap, and whether the gay chases after you when you make a poor clothing choice.
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Try to figure out what motivates the gay. A gay motivated by cute guys and designer clothes is easier to train, while a gay motivated by clubbing and substances like crystal meth will be more of a problem.
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Determine if the gay is child-friendly. Some homosexual behaviorists will say no gay is child-friendly, and that having a gay in your household increases the chances of the children catching “the gay”, but we at A-FAG believe that with proper training any gay can be child-safe.
To make the adoption process less stressful, the following tips will help you prepare for your new gay or lesbian.
Pick a Gay Whose Needs Match Yours! It is important to choose a gay based on your lifestyle. Your local shelter’s adoption counselors can help you make the right decision.
Make Sure Your Home is Ready for Your New Gay. Do a sweep of the house, looking for possible hazards. Hide sheets of less than 1000 thread count, ensure proper room coordination, place cheap plastic cups out of reach and ask your adoption counselor at the shelter about crate training to housetrain gays and keep them out of trouble.
Tag Your Gay! Put a tag on your gay’s collar with your name, address and phone number, or better yet, ask your shelter about having your gay microchipped in case the collar is lost. Also, be sure to keep the information current.
Celebrate Adopt-A-Gay Month and see if a new gay or lesbian is right for your family. It’s the perfect time to save a gay’s life and make a new friend!
Founded in 1877, A-FAG is the nation’s only national organization dedicated to both gay, bisexual, lesbian, and transgendered protection. From its headquarters outside San Francisco, California, and from regional offices in Pittsburgh, and Los Angeles, A-FAG provides national leadership in the development of programs, policies and services on behalf of gays and lesbians who are abused and neglected. For more information, please visit www.a-fag.org